A
male
age
41-50,
*ohnjay
writes:Hi, my wife of 6 years just confessed to me that she cheated on me while we where engaged, she said it was a one time mistake and has being faithfull since then. Am hurt and am thinking of divorce. How can i trust her again?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): So, you have two daughters, that makes a difference in how you interpret this. Don't do this alone, you probably have months of hard, hard, hard work to help you decide.When you didn't have kids, she didn't have the investment in "family". Once she had the kids, her psychological investment changes, and frankly, it can bring back a lot of haunting memories and tribulations. Why?Because everything that she has done, and continues to do (living a lie with a man she ostensibly loves...and she probably does love you now but didn't when she cheated on you), she has to fear that her children will do (and she has daughters and probably has nightmares about it). She may also have the same fears about things that were done to her.My wife had an affair, she told me nearly 10 years later, at the time I had suspected but she denied, and we went to counseling to work out our differences, and I believed her denial. What happened then? Well, for one, our kids grew up. Then her nightmares started, real bad nightmares.Her past caught up with her, in the form of internal guilt and fear and she couldn't talk to anyone about it. What was she afraid of? We have three daughters. She was afraid they would get what she got (rape, abuse, neglect) and do what she had done (lie and cheat). As she got older, her understanding of the effects of her childhood on her and her actions as an adult grew, and the history that was hidden got worse to deal with.She started talking in an effort to prevent that. Maybe your wife has as well, maybe not, but for the sake of the kids look into this well and long before you break up the family.My wife isn't perfect, in fact we had a difficult stretch recently, but after a long period of counseling and reconciliation I can say with great confidence that I married the right person, but life happens and we have to deal with it as best we can.
A
male
reader, Johnjay +, writes (21 April 2011):
Johnjay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your help, am just not happy at the moment. We two daughters
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Find out why she told you now. There is probably something in the present going on. Or she may have gotten worried her past actions would be revealed to you some other way.
And plan on divorcing her.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (21 April 2011):
 Ask yourself this: If she had told you back when you were engaged, would you have stayed with her? My guess is "no". Not only did she do that, but she lied to you about it for six years and has had a relationship and a marriage with you based off of lies. She manipulated your feelings towards her by not being honest with you. She doesn't sound like a good person to me, and definitely not Life Partner material. Plus, what is she gaining from telling you now? Is she hoping for sympathy? Closure? A reaction? A divorce? I'd sit down and talk with her about this. It could explain a lot more into the type of person she is. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 April 2011):
I agree with those that have mentioned the 6 year waiting period. Why has she told you this late on?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 April 2011):
 I would be focused on why she told you. After six years, unless something happened, usually someone who cheated and held onto it for that long will never spill unless they're caught.
Yes, it's very reasonable to think about divorce. She cheated on you while you were engaged, and then let you marry her knowing full well that she wasn't faithful to you. Doesn't matter how long ago that was.
T
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Huge mistake, to cheat that is, telling is not a mistake in my opinion but brings out the specter of failed marriage, broken family, etc.Why she is talking now is a great issue in your marriage. There is probably a lot more for you to find out in your relationship about her, not infidelity necessarily, but HER internal psychological issues.It will take a good counselor, lots of time and patience, and a lot of work on both your parts to figure this out.If you have children, do not dump her for this without long consideration and deliberate investigation and work. You may actually have the best person beside you right now, someone who cannot be equaled by anyone else out there, but you don't know yet.People cheat for many reasons.The problem is that life is never simple, never. Some people hide things so deep that they can't begin to understand themselves, much less anyone else, and they do things that they themselves cannot explain later. Child abuse, neglect, sex abuse, rapes, other traumas, divorce in their families of origin, all combine to make a unique psychological cocktail for all of us.Reaching that understanding is what helps us grow, and your wife may be beginning to reach that now, as she gets older, and may be looking to "put it all right" and make "amends" for wrongs. Not easy to do.She has probably told you for reasons that she can't fully explain.Read one of these books, she should as well, even if you've decided to throw away the marriage.http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801Xhttp://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
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male
reader, Jamen Somasu +, writes (21 April 2011):
 Dude, let me give you short version: dump her now while you still can. Don't let your feelings blind you. Do you have kids with her? If so, get a paternity test.I have a feeling she has cheated on more than one occasion. Most likely, she is coming out with it now because her old flame is near and she has had relations with him already. If you need more specifics when it comes to this, message me.
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A
female
reader, Minou  +, writes (21 April 2011):
Actually Your anger is justify. I think The moment she realised that this one was wrong i mean by cheating her fiancee she should have confessed it to you. Ok maybe then she was afraid of you breaking the alliance. Then atleast after marriage she could open it up to you. 6 years! Indeed Long. I can understand your pain.But just think..After 6 years Though, She confessed it to you. I think that was better in the sense that she might have hidden it from you And then you would have been even more hurt when you would find it from strangers outside the house.I don't tell you That she did not do any mistake. Of course She did and she need to be punished but you should ask her why after 6 years? But do punish her. But don't give her such a severe punishment like divorce. Since she did take the courage to come to tell you that because maybe she feel guilty too when she know she is hiding you something. And thus she told you even when she knows that this could destroy your relation.Think about it.Do tell us what happened afterwards?What was your final decision :)? Hope it helps (^_^)
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 April 2011):
 I'm sorry this happened to you. Trust is very difficult to gain back once it's lost. I would highly suggest some marriage counseling if you want to work past this. Forgiveness is very difficult and will take time. You need to decide if you think you're capable of getting past this.Why did she wait 6 years to tell you?
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