A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This question is about my relationship with my 17 year old daughter. Her father and I divorced 10 years ago because he was abusive towards me and her as well.My daughter has always been sweet and cheerful and had a very close relationship with me. I devoted all my life and time to her. However, about 6 years ago, she began doing little things to 'betray' me.. It makes my heart break because her dad takes advantage of us, and she knows it... but to me she will say what a bad person he is, pretending to side with me. But to him, she will agree with him that I am crazy and told him to just ignore me. There are so many examples I can give from the past 6 years... but I will give the most recent one. In the recent few years, her dad found a good job and started giving Child Support. But today, he messaged me that he is reducing his child support from $1,600 for 2 children to $1,200. His reason is because he noticed that I started claiming my children on my tax return last year, hence he can't claim them. I'm not good at calculating my taxes and never claimed my children. I just pay the standard deductions and File taxes and get money back every year... didn't cross my mind he would claim them because IRS states that you may claim your children ONLY if they live with you. My 2 children live with me 100% of the time. I claimed them last year because I found out if I claimed them, each would get a $500 Stimulus payment, which I gave directly to them for their own savings. He filed his taxes after me, so the IRS sent him a note saying he can't claim the kids cuz I claimed them. He texted me saying he has to pay higher taxes so he needs to claim them. My response was, I pay taxes too.. I just never thought to claim them and didn't realize the amount of credit I would get, and honestly the only reason I claimed this year was to get them the stimulus. I also told him that legally, without my permission, he can't claim the kids cuz they don't live with him. He tried to challenge me, but I showed him to the IRS website. He knew he couldn't fight me on that, so he decided to cut child support. It does throw me off a bit, but I can afford it. But thing is, I don't think $1,200 is enough when rent is $3,000, tuition for kids is $2,500 plus other living expenses. I feel that he never had the mentality of being a responsible father... paying child support when he feels like it and deducting the amount when he feels like it. But I understand that as a mother, I don't and won't ever not support my children fully. As a single mother for the past 10 years, I still gave my children the best I can give them, with or without his child support. Today, I felt that once again I felt disappointed. I replied to his text saying that it's OK, he can make the decision to cut or reduce support, but as a mother, I will always find a way to still provide the best for my kids. I said everything is transparent with the kids.. they know each time he decides to deduct and his reasons. I told him that My kids and I are a tight family and we will do whatever it takes to make it work. Well, apparently that upset him and he sent my text to the kids acting like a victim.. that he has no money to pay taxes when in reality, he makes more than me. My daughter told him to not listen to me and ignore me. That broke my heart. But to me, she told me that her dad is a bad father and how can he do that etc. I want to address this with her. If she feels I'm wrong, then she should come forward and tell me her feelings instead of being two faced. But she always gets so defensive when I try to talk to her. I just want to pick her brain and see what she is truly thinking and feeling and let her know it's OK if she doesn't agree with me. It's not like I'm going to walk out on her or stop supporting her... I'm her mother, I will never have the option to cut or stop my support. I need advice to how to address this issue with her. Thank you!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 August 2020):
 Trying counseling might work, it might not. But worth a try. Some "kids" have their "rebellious phase" later than others.
It might also be that your ex is JUST very good at pushing buttons with her. (as in manipulation)
Stick to NO smack talk about him, even if SHE engages in it. A simple " I hear you" can often suffice.
I have seen "kids" (more like teens) wanting to BE with their dad/mom (the non custodial parent) when they get older because they think they will have more freedom and less responsibility with them. Only to find out... that there is not like that living with them 24/7.
If you and your ex had a VERBAL agreement of him he is to pay, talking to a lawyer IS a option. While he HAS (in the past) deducted the kids) if there wasn't an agreement (verbal or otherwise) then he can't get mad that you choose to claim them this year, besides the stimulus money that are GIVEN for the kids is for the kids, NOT him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2020): I make no apologies for what i'm about to say because as a child who has been raised in this exact case scenario, I think you are seriously hurting your kids by dragging them into your arguments with your ex! It is bang out of order to put your kids in the situation where they feel they need to take sides! How dare you monitor what your daughter discusses with her Dad? That is her relationship with her Dad and is absolutely none of your business! You are trying to alienate her from her father by trying to poison her against him. Your 17 yr is not pitting you against him, you have forced her into a corner where she is stuck on the middle of your pathetic point scoring with your ex and she seems to be handling it the only way possible - by simply nodding and agreeing with whatever the both of you say! Same with your ex, he felt the need to message the kids to defend himself against the poison that you're giving them!Why on earth do they even know how much child support you get? That in itself is so wrong. Your kids should be oblivious to all of this and should only ever know that 'mom and dad' love them and support them in every way possible! You really do need to re-evaluate yourself because this whole 'i'm a poor single Mom' post is ridiculous. You are not the victim here!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): OP here - Thanks for your responses, Mystiquek & WiseOwlE.
I’ve never taken custody or child support to court because I wanted to give him the opportunity to be a father. He is able to visit the children whenever he wanted, and actually during the 3 years after divorce, I invited him along (and paid for him) during the vacations my children and I take. I never “forced” him to pay child support because there was a time when his job was unstable. It was always about him making the best effort he can to be their father and support them as much as he can financially.
I only got upset because he cut child support because he wasn’t able to use the kids as a tax deduction anymore. I sent a reply to him saying that kids and I are family and we will always find a way to make it work. He got upset and screen shot my text to send to the kids. I also have never bad mouthed him in front of the kids. He on the other hand has called me many names in front of them. A few days ago, I had to take my daughter to the bank to close her joint account with her dad (he helped her open it a cpl years ago as she is still a minor) because he has been taking money from her account without telling her and we found out he used that account and her info to try to get student credit cards.. luckily they didn’t approve because she hasn’t turned 18 yet. She knows the kind of person her dad is.
I thought about my options - 1. Suck it up for another year, then she’ll be off to College, 6 hours away. She will have a few years to live away and grow up. Or, 2. Go to see family counseling with her in hopes to mend our relationship and better understand her growing pains. I chose to go see a Family Counselor with her. Hoping for some improvement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): Simply sounds to me like she's a bit insecure and wants the approval and love of both of her parents. And thats ok, being a teenager isn't easy at the best of times.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (18 August 2020):
 I raised 2 children, a daughter and a son. My son gave us no troubled whatsoever but my daughter from the minute she turned 13 kept us going. Straight A's but she had a mouth on her and was definitely rebellious in all ways. I'll be honest I don't miss those years at all but we all survived.
Just a little bit of advice. Do remember that she is still learning, still growing, testing her wings and testing you. ALWAYS remember that you are the adult, she isn't. There are things that she doesn't need to know, especially squabbles with your ex, taxes, ect. Remember its best to keep bad feelings from her that you feel towards her dad because even though what you say may be true, he is still her dad and she feels a sense of loyalty to him. That's why she seems to be going hot and cold. She's stuck in between the two of you. Its really not fair. She's hurting too and I'm sure feeling mixed up, angry that the two of you divorced. Its normal.
Be the mom. Give her love, guidance support and keep the ex stuff out of it. There's things she just doesn't need to hear.
You and your ex really need to sort out about the taxes and child support. If its court ordered, then he just can't pay what he wants, when he wants. The child support? It would be nice if you could share, is it possible to take turns? Try and talk things out. If not, you may need to battle it out with an attorney.
Good luck. Raising teenagers isn't easy but in the end, its definitely worth it. I'll never forget the day when my daughter (25 at the time) came to me and said "I'm sorry I gave you a rough time mom. You were far smarter than what I ever realized. I just didn't know it then".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): Typo correction:
"She'll come crying to you when one of her nasty-friends, or a boyfriend, has done her in."
P.S.
When such a situation happens to her; that's a told-ya-so moment. Remind her that that's how you feel when she betrays your trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): First-off, the amount paid in child-support is court-ordered. You don't get to pay when you feel like it, or arbitrarily change the amount. It is from the parent for the financial-support and welfare of dependent-children. It's not negotiable between parents for the sake of argument!!! You're missing the purpose and the point of his paying his share of financial-support for the children; and undermining the court's decision. Then when you get angry, that's when you'll decide you want to enforce the court-order! That is not how it works! You're both messing-around with what is intended strictly for the children!
It's not about how you feel about it, it's the moral-obligation demanding him to fulfill his responsibility to his children as their father; and the law says he has to! They're not just there to be a deduction on his taxes for a bigger refund! You didn't write the law regarding stimulus deductions for the IRS, you just complied with it! He doesn't get to deprive the children of their court-ordered support; while you agree to it. Then don't go complaining to child-support enforcement; when you're feeling the financial-stress and pressure, and can't keep-up with inflationary living-expenses! What justification or argument do you have when increases are necessary; when you undermine the court's child-support order??? He doesn't get passes or breaks...THEY'RE HIS CHILDREN TOO!!! Not just a tax-deduction!
Your daughter is just being a kid. Doing what shady-teenagers do. They manipulate, lie through their teeth, rebel; and defy your rules or orders. They run hot or cold toward their parents. They can be perfect-angels, and flame into total demons...in the blink of an eye! She's going through normal phases of adolescence; and her behavior is typical of children after divorce. It's not new, it's pretty much to be expected. Ten years to her is not the same as ten years to you! She's just coming into her understanding of what's happening from a more mature-standpoint; as opposed to just being a helpless little-girl, at the mercy of adults.
The mistake is, discussing your negative-opinions of your ex; in an attempt to influence her feelings and opinions of him, and vice versa from his side. If she gains some sort of advantage or control by betraying the two of you; I'd say she has outsmarted both of you! Now you know what she's capable of; so stop bad-mouthing her father in-front of her. She'll take it back to him! If she calls you crazy, she is only giving the opinion of most teenagers about parents. The karma hits them when they've become parents themselves. Their kids will be worse! They'll reap what they've sown in the future! They won't remember how they were; just like you don't remember how you were at her age!
Stop placing her on the same level of thinking and understanding as yourself. She is not an adult, and not fully capable of making rational and mature-decisions. Teenagers are capable of causing trouble and doing great damage; but they still have to answer to adults and the law! Whether they like it or not! Not suddenly become kids and innocent once they're caught! They deserve consequences!
Her psychological and mental-development is still in-progress. It's easy to be mean, untrustworthy, and two-faced. It's inherent in our human-nature, from the time we can crawl.
Just let her know how it hurts that she would betray your trust; and teach her that it's deceitful, and she won't like it when she's on the receiving end of it. She'll come crying to you when one of nasty-friends, or a boyfriend, has done her in. Then she'll know first-hand.
She feels betrayed by you and her father for breaking-up the family; and not being perfect and non-dysfunctional parents. She didn't get to choose you two; she had no choice whatsoever. Teenage-rebellion and bad-behavior is a rite of passage; and you'll just have to deal with it the best you can. If you try to pick her brains; you'll get tangled in cobwebs and stuck in muck. It's both a chamber of horrors and a lot of pretty colors in there! She's a teenager, things are still trying to take-shape and develop in her brain. Use your motherly-instincts, that's what the good Lord gave you! Teach her fair-play, and how to earn and maintain trust. Keep her out of the volatile-exchanges going-on between you and her father. It's none of her business. Set her an example of how to be amicable, tactful, and forgiving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): OP here .. Honeypie, I think you misread. I didn’t bring my kids into my conversation.. he screen shot my text to him and sent it to both kids. What I told him in response to his deducting child support was, in short : “OK. My kids and I are family, and will work together to make it work.” But he didn’t like the fact that I said “my kids and I are family”And No... Strict IRS rules - Children has to LIVE with the parent inorder to claim them on taxes. Unless I sign a waiver, he cannot claim them. In the IRS FAQ there is actually a question about whether a parent can claim the child if the parent pays child support but doesn’t live with the child.. answer is NO. Besides, you may not realize that paying child support is nothing compared to the care, time, and attention, ON TOP OF financially supporting the kids. I don’t care about the money.. trust me, if I can afford to put both kids thru private school all their lives, I can afford a few extra hundred dollars a month. I don’t care about him. I only care about my relationship with my daughter.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 August 2020):
I think you need to keep your kids out of your squabbles with your ex. You don't need to know what your daughter thinks about YOUR taxes or your ex's taxed and what he can and can not afford. You CERTAINLY don't need to pick her brain about ANYTHING to do with your ex. AT all. YOU are the one creating this drama (well, you AND your ex) - your teenager is just jumping on the drama because she is a teenager.
I get that you want to be the BEST parent of the two of you. That you WANT to hear he is a bad father because it makes YOU feel better, but it FUCKS up your kids when you talk SMACK about their dad. You AS a parent should KNOW better.
Your teenager daughter IS NOT the one pitting you two against each other, you and your EX are! Take some responsibility here. YOU are the grown up!
Also it is VERY common that the parent who PAYS child-support gets to deduct them in taxes. I have seen that done very often. So I can see if he had done this for MOST of the time (9 out of 10 years) that he is annoyed that you now claim them. However, if there was NEVER an arrangement for who gets to do it, you are well within your legal rights to claim them. After all, if your ex got to deduct BOTH kids for 9 years, you should be able to deduct them for some years too, I would presume. Since you can only deduct your oldest for one more year.
As for him to decide to reduce the payments, UNLESS you two have an agreement or he has been court ordered to pay XX amount, HE (possibly) & (LEGALLY) can actually reduce the payments. If there is no LEGAL agreement in place. PLUS you have benefitted financially by claiming your kids. Regardless of whether you put the money into THEIR or your savings.
If you pay 2,500 in tuition your kids are in charter or private school. If you can't afford that, look into what kind of reduction you can get from the school as a single mom. I mean, I feel it's unrealistic of you to presume you can live your life like a person of a 2 income home when you are divorced. LOTS of people can't afford a 3,000 rent or 2,500 tuition. IT is NO longer your ex's responsibility to keep you in the same "comfort" as when you were married. It really isn't.
What IS his responsibility is to pay what it either court ordered or what is mutually agreed upon, he can't just decide well, I'm paying less. If there IS NOT agreement, you are kind of up shit's creek, to be blunt.
If there IS a legal agreement on how much he has to pay, you need to contact a lawyer. Even if there is only a verbal one, you MIGHT want to consider contacting a lawyer and see if you can do anything there. BUT.... that might end up costing you more than he would be paying.
If it is court ordered through Child Support Services, YOU need to go though them, I would presume.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2020): Have you ever thought that maybe this is how your daughter copes? That she's not doing it to be vindictive, but she doesn't feel up to talking with her father and mother about their parental conflict, so just says whatever she thinks either of you want to hear, so her head stays below the firing line?Poor girl. It doesn't sound as if she's saying anything too awful, just enough to get either one of you off her back.She should not be involved in your parenting affairs. I know your husband tries to get her on his side by complaining to her, but of course, he shouldn't, so she says whatever to get out of a situation that she shouldn't be in in the first place.DON'T try to pick her brains about the two of you (father and mother) and what she thinks because she clearly doesn't want to get involved. And neither should she be!She's still a child! She shouldn't have to get into discussions about who's right or wrong in your marriage. Stop asking her! Show her a lot of love. She needs it right now. To be caught in the middle of two rowing parents is bad enough, but then to have you ask her in depths questions about how she really feels etc ...no wonder she gets defensive. She thinks that whatever she says to you might well get back to her Dad and then she'd have to explain that away as well. And so on and so on. Leave the poor child out of adult discussions, don't ask her to take sides, sort out your problems with your ex and your finances as well as you can without involving her at all.I understand that you can't stop your ex from trying to use her as a pawn in his game, but don't join in.She loves you very much. Leave it at that.
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