A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Would you consider it a big issue if you’re significant other looked at their ex’s social media profile? My significant other is upset with me as he went through my phone and saw I searched an ex’s name on social media. I’m not in contact with them. I honestly just had a moment of curiosity. I also use my voice recordings on my phone as a personal diary. He sent them to himself. He feels he did nothing wrong. I feel I did nothing wrong. I feel like my privacy was violated. He feels like I want my ex back even though it’s been so long ago.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2022): Just forget about your ex and move on with your life. I think looking up exes on social media makes it harder to move on with your life and find what you want. As far as I'm concerned, if you don't have children together, there is no reason to contact exes after the relationship ends.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2022): Trust is strengthened by consistency. It's easy to compromise your trust; because trust is easier to lose than it is to get from another person. Loss of trust is the result of betrayal, or abuse; sometimes you might hurt people to the point they'll take it back.
To be perfectly honest, I think everyone at some point or other will wonder whatever happened to so-and-so? I'd be lying, if I claimed I've never wondered and snooped; but that temptation can take you from one point to another. The internet provides TMI, and you'll find yourself trolling and spying. That's a betrayal of your partner's trust; whether we want to see it that way, or not. Not to mention opening old wounds!
He may have overreacted, probably because he's insecure; but that all depends on how much he feels he can trust you. It's convenient to use the intrusion on your privacy as your convenient argument when you're busted; but you and I know, that had it been he who was stalking his ex, this would be a different story.
Your SO may suspect you may still harbor some residual-feelings for your ex; and it's normal to feel insecure about what would compel your partner to lookup an old flame. If your ex tends to come-up too much in conversation, if you've looked him up more than once, and if it was really hard for your SO to earn YOUR trust; he has every right to hold you to an equal standard.
Instead of using the privacy argument as your defense; I think you'd regain a grain of trust if you'd just apologize. He shouldn't have spied on you, but he shouldn't have found anything in the process either. I won't say you're even; but you both are being immature, and you need to work this out like adults. You apologize first, because you're the one busted. If he doesn't apologize in return, let it rest. He may do it sometime down the road; because he's too hurt, jealous, or insecure at the moment.
If this becomes an obsession and/or a sticky situation that never goes-away; then the problem becomes a test of the strength of the ties that bind the relationship. This is a minor infraction, and shouldn't be blown out of proportion by jealousy.
It's one of those things that you'll only know over time. It might expedite forgiveness if you apologize and stop using the privacy thing as a defense. You've been busted!
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (16 January 2022):
 I always say that trust is the most important contributing factor that binds a relationship together, without trust a relationship does not stand a chance.
To pick up a partners phone and go routing through it trying to find evidence of something is very controlling, and a huge red flag.
I can only see things getting worse from here, so my advice would be to end things with him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 January 2022):
 I think many people feel that "pang of curiosity" about an ex, and it doesn't necessarily mean that these people will then cheat with said sex.
I will agree with FA that quite often people who are NOT happy in their relationship start to look up exes and then contact them and then "stuff" happens. But that doesn't mean EVERYONE who looks up an ex is looking to reconnect or cheat.
Having a diary or journal is also normal and I think ANYONE has the right to privacy with a diary. Married or not. A private diary to keep your personal thoughts and feelings in SHOULD be respected. 100%. However, I also think IN a marriage there shouldn't be secrets - but I don't consider a diary a secret. I consider it a diary.
You are not married. You SO had absolutely NO right to send voice recordings from your "diary" to himself to sit and listen in on you. He is NOT the NSA.
Going through your phone is another matter. I generally don't think an SO has a "right" to do so. There should be no NEED to do so.
He feels like he can't trust you. YOU know you can't trust him to respect your privacy.
1. he needs to delete your voice recordings. ASAP. He has NO right to those.
2. you two need to communicate.
3. you need to reconsider this person as an SO for you.
4. you need a PW on your phone. And to not have a "diary" on your phone. It's just not safe.
I think your SO is totally out of line here.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (16 January 2022):
 Honestly, what you are doing is how it starts. Yes, you did break trust. As a result he doesn't trust you.
If you want the privacy to look up your ex, be single.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 January 2022):
 Sweetheart, take a bit of advice: run and don't look back. Your partner's controlling behaviour is only going to get worse and he will always have a "reason" to justify it.
Sorry, nothing else to say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2022): When I started reading, I felt a little 50/50. Whilst I understand you were curious, I also understand you SO being upset about it.
The clincher for me though (and an absolute no no in my books) is him not only going through your phone and even worse - sending your voice notes to himself!!
Who does that seriously? If he doesn't feel he did wrong then I would seriously think twice about this relationship as he sounds toxic as hell. They're your private thoughts which you are absolutely entitled to! For him to violate you that way shows his need for control? What gives him the right to access your privacy that way? His ego must be mighty high up for him to think that is the action of a normal person.
In your shoes I would run a mile but it it obviously your call. You set the bar for what you are willing to put up with and you don't go any lower!
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