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female
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anonymous
writes: I thought I'd found the perfect man for me. We got on great in every way. He told me he loved me and wanted a relationship, and talked about things we'd do together 'over the years'. Then without warning he cut off contact, didnt phone or return my calls or texts. I was worried something had happened to him so I went to his house to find out. He said he was confused and didnt know if he wanted to make a commitment (we are both in our fifties). He asked for a couple of days to think. When I still hadnt heard from him after a week, I went to see him again, thanked him for the time we had together, and returned his key. I've not heard from him since (6 weeks ago). But I still feel we were right for each other, and hope things might work out in time. However, I have just met a woman who I think could become a good friend of mine, and she is popular in my group of friends. She is so like me in every way, except that she is 10 years younger than me, and I think she is more attractive. I want to develop the friendship but I am afraid that if he comes back into my life, he will meet her and fall for her. I think they would be attracted to each other, although I honestly dont think it would work out because she is a little controlling and possessive. Still, by the time he found that out, it would be too late for me. I know that I am just jealous of this woman, and am not proud of it. But it hurts me just to look at her as I can imagine him going for her in a big way. I so want to overcome these feelings as she is great, and as a single woman, I need woman friends. I need advice on what to do. Should I cut this woman out of my life as potential competition; or should I let things just happen and take the risk, knowing that if he got together with my friend it would hurt me dreadfully. Of course, he may never want to get back with me at all, in which case I would have lost out on what could be a great friendship with this lady.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to say thank you once again to each of you who has taken the trouble to answer. I didnt feel this was something I could talk to any of my friends about, as my feelings concerned one of our number. So I came on this site, and I have been helped by the kindness of strangers.
Ariel, you are quite right of course. My friends have not wanted to replace me with this woman, but have welcomed her into the group for the individual qualities she brings.
Ariel, I would like to say a special thanks to you. Your advice is wise, and your compassion for someone who, as you say, you dont know from a bar of soap, has brought a lump to my throat. I send you a hug. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow can I explain how I am feeling? He went through a very unpleasant and expensive divorce 3 years ago. He said he didnt expect to fall in love again, that he did love me and didnt know what to do. I thought, as Ariel says, he'd rather be a lonely old fart than take the risk of being with a woman who could make him happy. I thought, your loss pal, you could go through the rest of your life and never find another one like me. Now I find there is someone just like me, with all the attributes that drew him to me, but younger and sexier! That has made me feel like I'm nothing special after all, - just an also-ran. I know these kind of feelings pass, but will they, when every time I look at my new friend she is a reminder?
I really appreciate all of you taking the trouble to reply. But can I just say to a couple of you, it is easy to be judgemental when you dont know the people involved or all of the circumstances.
I know you are right. If it wasnt for him I would be thrilled to meet this lady, who could be a great friend to me, and I am angry with myself that I am letting a bloody man spoil that for me. Hopefully, very soon I will laugh at the way I am feeling right now, but at the moment I am hurting, and when you are hurting its hard to think straight.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): Geez, this all so 'highschool', dear. As a woman myself in my 50's, it has never, ever occurred to me that a good friend could become 'competition' for the affections of the man I love. I cherish my galpals and if one of them decided to interfere in my relationship, and my bf cheated with her...I'd let them have each other because who wants rwo people in one's life, that possesses such slimey, low down character traits, anyways?? What I find startling is how you are hanging onto a fantasy here. The man you dated has not contacted you..he made it clear what you both shared is done..over...finished. You seem to deluding yourself and thinking how this new gf can be a threat to you with a man...you are NOT dating! Keep the friendship and work on your jealousies and insecurities. If you keep this up you will have no one in your life. No girl friend-no future boyfriends. Keep a mature, positive attitude and learn to love yourself. Whne on displays happiness, warmth and graciousness in her life...it's amazing the wonderful people that will be drawn to you...just because you are YOU. Good luck, sweety.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking the trouble to write. I think Dr Psyche your reply comes across a little aggressive. I am anything but totally dependant on any man; just feeling hurt, and as the anonymous reader says, my confidence has been knocked. But a lot of your points make sense. I know in my heart that if I cant trust a man not to eye up my friends, then he is not worth having. Thank you anonymous for your kindness. It is helpful, and I feel better. Good luck to you too!
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (25 June 2006):
 Good grief...take it easy! I am reading "as a single woman, I need woman friends. I need advice on what to do..."...even us married ladies need woman friends. Being totally dependent on your partner is just not that healthy! Your 'perfect man' is just not that into you - men who are smitten are knocking your front door down. Don't think about this negatively - it just wasn't mean't to be, and there are plenty more men out there who will treat you with respect and interest. However, you cannot arrange your personal life around what if's, maybe's and strategic plotting to exclude every woman who is a 'looker' out of your life in the vain hope that he may show you some attention at some point when he has nothing better to do. He is not your perfect man - if he was then he would be going out with you and not making you feel stressed about yourself. You are just wishing and hoping he was your perfect man and focusing on his good points rather than his bad points. Part of the problem is that you don't like yourself very much - you wouldn't be worried about losing this man, or any man to another woman otherwise. My husband knows some very attractive young ladies that are his friends and he often meets them for a drink - I am not chewing my nails down worrying if he is cheating, I am happy he sees his mates (beauties or not) and I think enough of myself to know that he won't cheat on me. If he did I would kick him out as I deserve better. I also think that if a man is going to cheat on you, or leave you for another person then they will just do it - it doesn't matter who you keep company with...you cannot be tracking your partners 24 hours a day and if they want to leave then they will do just that. Anyway my point is that you have to stop thinking about this man so much (he isn't coming back, and if he does do you want to him since he isn't that 'perfect' if he ignores you for weeks on end). Time to get on with your life, and you may develop confidence if you go out with this lady friend. Good female friends are hard to find! Don't use her while you have nothing better to do and ditch her at the first sight of a new man - it is superficial, weak and a recipe for long term loneliness. Good female friends are hard to find so keep them when they come along!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2006): First of all i have found that you cant plan out your future in that way. You cant try to get rid of her incase he returns, he might not, and she might not leave, as you said that she is popular with your friends. If he did come back into your life you would need to be able to trust him but it doesnt sound like you would. When people are in relationships there are always other people that you think are "more attractive" or people that you think he would go for, but that doesnt mean he would. It sounds to me that you have lost some self confidence after he left, losing a friend is not going to help you get it back. I think you need to love yourself some more, try to enjoy being with her and your other friends so that you know you can live without him, and if he does come back even better, after all you do not need to indroduce him and your friend until you know that you are on stable ground. You could always tell her about your worries and she would probably set your mind at rest. I dont know if this is helpful but good luck! :)
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