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My partners 16 year old daughter has stripped in front of me on two occasions. Do I tell her mother?

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Question - (18 July 2008) 23 Answers - (Newest, 30 April 2013)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My partners 16 year old daughter has stripped naked in front of me on two occassions and i am confused as to tell her mother or not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2013):

my question not judge you but to get understanding.....why allow her to continue the stripping process ....??? the second time why was there no "hey sweetie stop right there, what do you call yourself doing...??? just a couple questions that cross my mind

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks Lazy Guy, Tisha-1 & Natasia. Your reponses to my dilemma are the most understanding of all and have given me much to think about. Having perused all the responses i have decided that my best course of action will be to talk to the Daughter and NOT the Mother. I know that if i spoke to her Mother first it will make matters worse between all three of us. Speaking only to the Daughter will show her that i am concerned about her behaviour but not to the point that i want to cause any trouble with her Mother (unless it continues). i know that she is very confused at the moment, so i will have to choose the right time. Thanks again.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (20 July 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntWhy you are seen as the guilty one is because so often we men are.

However, it is also a fact that young women do not know the meaning of the word fear. Young men don't either and jump head first of bridges. Young women don't and flirt with men twice their age thinking their are invulnerable.

The result is that young men kill themselves faster then women but women get themselves in situations they have no hope of dealing with.

She may have all kinds of issues and as you said, she receiving counseling for it. She might be looking for love from a father figure. She didn't get it from her natural father, she sees how her mother gets love from you, so she tries the same approach.

She might be trying to seduce you to wreck the relationship between you and her mother, get rid of the Xth guy upsetting her life.

It might be just a teen girl trying out her body on a male she thinks is safe.

Not that it really matters, because your response is clear. Sit her down and have a serious talk with her about your relationship. Of course, you then need to know what you are to her. Are you going to be there longterm?

She is probably very insecure and you are the adult and need to think of her feelings first. That just comes with dating a single mother, you don't just get her, you get the kids as well and all their troubles.

Make it clear to her that you are there long-term, that you ain't going to go away. Don't bring up the stripping directly but just try to make her accept that you are there as a partner for her mother and possibly as a father figure for her if and when she needs it.

I wouldn't talk to her mother about it just yet. Not until you have a talk to her because you REALLY don't want to cause a rift between mother and daughter. Try and sort it out with the daughter first. But try to remember that you are the adult and she is the kid.

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (19 July 2008):

saltwater agony auntOK so I'll apologise for initially thinking you may be at fault, but when you write "My partners 16 year old daughter has stripped naked in front of me on two occassions and i am confused as to tell her mother or not." it's understandable some peoples' initial reations.

It shows though that if you choose to tell the mother you must tell her everything with brutal honesty.

Telling the mother little statements like your initial question may well induce the same reaction from her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008):

Well, how did your partner's daughter do this? Did she just come up to you and take off her clothes? What did she say to you after she did this? I mean, was her stripping deliberate? Did she smile and look at you after she had done it? What did you say to her after she stripped naked in front of you?

I guess maybe she is looking for attention, for some verification from a man that she is hot and sexy. Or possibly she is attracted to you, though I think that would be unusual. Or maybe she feels abandoned by her father and thinks he left her mom because of her (the daughter) and she doesn't want the same thing to happen with you.

All in all, I think this is very unsual, so I would talk to the daughter first and try and find out why she stripped in front of you. This is unusual behavior for a girl to do this in front of a man so much older than her. You need to find out why she did this and what she was thinking when she did it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

Just an added comment here.

You stated in your first followup the following after this teenager bared herself,..."

"I was so shocked i couldn't speak at first but then told my son" Would your son be able to vouch for you and tell your partner of what happened and what you told him immediately, after this incident occurred?

Then you stated,

"She has given myself and her Mother cause for concern over different behavioural matters and i don't want to add to her Mothers worry by telling her"

For goodness sakes, worry this Mother, bigtime--ahe needs a wake up call. But please, do it maturely, calmly and let her know you are there for her. She'll need that. You be strong and help her cope with this daughter's latest fiasco. The reality is: Your partner is a Mother to a errant, misbehaving teenager who clearly needs help, and even though it's a tough job and your partner is responsible for her child and Mom NEEDS to know what her daughter is doing. You should not be keeping things like this from her just to protect her from the pain of her daughter's misbehaviors and acting out. . Being a parent, as you likely already know..is signing up for the good times and the crappy times, with our kids. That's just the way it is. So pleases, stop protecting Mom from her daughter's behaviors.

As for having your partner reading this thread..I think it could possibly help you. But as Tisha stated , it is risky. Only you can judge that situation. If your partner knows you well and really loves you, she could understand why you reached out to strangers in an anonymous manner. Tell her truthfully, that you were really mixed up on what was the best thing to do. So you sought guidance and advice. This is what DearCupid is here for. To help people do the right and best things for their painful situations. Sometimes getting neutral, sound advice, from people who don't know you and aren'temotionally involved in your life...is a good, sensible way to go.. ...because it gives you a straighforward, honest assessment on your situation and you really, really needed that clarity and brutal honesty from these Aunts and Uncles. .

So we have all spoken...it's unanimous! Talk to this partner of yours, communicate to her with compassion, love and honesty. As Uncle Phil stated, the honest truth is the only option you have left. And if you feel you cannot be this open with your partner, then you need to reassess the communications and trust issues in your own relationship. Try this route first...because we don't know if this daughter will stop doing what she is doing nor so we know why. Hopefully, she's not 'competing' with her Mother. but getting this young female into counseling as well as Mom...could help diffuse a very dicey situation, that could be completely misunderstood.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

I used to take my granddaughter, then aged 13 to the local swimming baths for a swim once a week.

We used to play about a bit, splashing and ducking each other and such like and one evening, and there's no other way of putting it, she groped my dick. I told her that it was inappropriate and she really didn't understand that she'd done anything wrong, which worried me somewhat.

I quietly told her mother - my daughter - what had happened as soon as I got her home that evening. Then it all came out. To cut a long story short, she'd been repeatedly raped over a period of time by a cousin, then aged 15, starting when she was aged 8 nearly 5 years previously, and saw nothing wrong with her behaviour towards me because of her experience with the cousin which I presume she thought was normal.

This kid could well have similar issues, so don't keep quiet about it - tell her mother for God's sake man!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (18 July 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntI see your dilemma. You're in a lose-lose situation here, aren't you?

Oh, and I think that the delay in the system prevented your initial followups from being posted right away, so it does indeed seem like people were pointing blame at you. As was said earlier, it would have been helpful to have all the gory details first, so that we had a clearer picture. So please stop feeling defensive, that's not going to help anyone here.

I think that you've actually been quite brave about trying to deal with this VERY uncomfortable position you've been put in by your partner's daughter. Honestly, this is an anonymous site, so you really do not have anything to lose by providing complete details.

Right, back to my comment that you are in a lose-lose situation. I think that's why you needed to ask for some advice. Because either way, things are going to be difficult.

Scenario A, you don't tell your partner now, her daughter will continue to escalate the provocative behavior to the point that you finally do have to tell your partner and then you're going to look like a perve. Even though you did not encourage this behavior, and were hoping it would stop.

Scenario B, you tell your partner now, and she has more worry piled onto the already troubling behavior her daughter has been exhibiting. (Ooh ouch sorry for the pun.) AND on top of that, she starts to worry about whether you had some sort of thrill by seeing her daughter naked. And, since she's the mother, and therefore older, and not as young and nubile, she may have some self-confidence issues when confronted with this very unsavory news.

So either way you lose. Her daughter has been very cunning and downright mean about this, I think. She is either consciously or subconsciously putting you in the worst situation possible. I'd be extremely angry with her if I were you.

So what do you do? Is this daughter in counseling now? If she is, it would be appropriate I think to have a talk with the counselor about what has been happening.

But as I look back on this, you do need to tell your partner, sooner rather than later. She is going to escalate, as she feels she is getting away with it, and you will be in an untenable position then.

So the honest truth to your partner, and I expect it is piling worry on top of worry, but I think it's all of a piece with her daughter. The behavioral issues are playing out and she sounds like she does need therapy.

Your partner will have to know that you were so shocked and stunned by this behavior that you absolutely had no idea what to do. That you didn't want to worry her, and actually, I think you may need to reassure her that you find the behavior repulsive, not at all sexually stimulating.

If you feel that you can use this thread of your question and our answers, you could try to show your partner this dialogue you've been having. It may not be a great idea though, because you might have further compounded this issue by confiding with strangers on the internet. Hmmm.

You know your partner best, you'll need to figure out the words to explain this lose-lose situation. And I would expect some anger from your partner initially, so don't get defensive, like you did here. That's not going to help. You need to let her work through the shock of this and then you can work on the game plan of how to address this inappropriate behavior. It would help if you had some concrete ideas already, but you two should work it out together.

Well, sorry for the long post, but you do have a lot to worry about here. I do wish you good luck in the inevitable discussion you have to have with your partner.

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (18 July 2008):

natasia agony auntI understand, and I don't think you are at all to blame. The first time could just have been almost a mistake - you were just walking past. The second time was much more blatant, and confirms it as deliberate provocative action on her part.

She is obviously jumping out of her skin and wants to stir things up. It is probably a mixture of her hormones and some resentment at you for being with her mother instead of her father. She's confused somewhere, and is trying to deal with her mother having a sexual relationship with someone other than her father.

You need to try not to get upset by this - just see it for the crazy, unsettled behaviour that it is. But you DO need to tell people and get it out in the open, because otherwise she will at some point probably turn it around and say you were watching her or something worse...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

Not everyone is pointing the finger of blame at you. I'm certainly not, because I know from my own experience how some young girls can behave in the presence of men. Unfortunately it's usually the man that takes all the flak when the shit hits the fan, no matter how innocent of any improper behaviour he may be.

She's obviously a troubled youngster whose head needs sorting out, and whoever is doing the counselling is going to be in the dark about this particular aspect of her behaviour, so again I say you need to let her mother know what she's been doing, and the sooner the better. If you keep quiet about it you'll be seen to have been encouraging it when everything comes out in the open.

Honesty - and truth - is always the best policy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

Thank you for the details, hun and I apologize deeply for insinuating you are coercing her. But, I really wished that your followup info had been included in the original posting. You have to understand, how many of us are trying to make sense of all this and it's was disheartening to read. Your partner's daughter has some big behavior problems, her values are pretty mixed up. She's testing and flaunting her sexual power, over males as many teen females do. But she's not thinking of consequences, hence my assessing her as being a 'timebomb'. She really sounds out of control. Unfortunately she's chosen to 'act out' with you...likely for her own selfish thrill and shock value. And she's behaving so inappropriately.

You have to get her Mother involved. I suggest you show your partner this thread and let her read your 'followups'. They are very poignant. This might enlighten Mom to get this young girl in for the counseling she really, really needs. I wish you luck and it's best to just come clean with her Mother. Tell how deeply troubled you are by this behavior and that you want to encourage and help this female, in learning the most best, appropriate to condust herself, in life. Take care

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (18 July 2008):

saltwater agony auntNo-one is saying you coerced her.

People are asking how you allowed it to happen more than once.

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A female reader, O Connor Ireland +, writes (18 July 2008):

O Connor agony auntyou need to say something to her daughter first and let her know that this is not appropriate behaviour. is she doing it in a sexual way do you think?

if she did, then you do need to talk to her mother. but if you think that she was just getting changed or something then just let her know that its not appropriate. she may be trying to look for attention or is jealous of the relationship her mother has with you.

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A female reader, natasia United Kingdom +, writes (18 July 2008):

natasia agony auntThis sounds odd. Why and how did she do that? That's the first question.

And yes, boy you need to sort this out. And quick. Because it could backfire very badly on you.

So give some more details and then we can tell you what to do!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i knew the finger of blame would be pointed my way by someone. i have never coerced or encouraged this girl in any way. why is it always the case that when a man of any age is confronted by the actions of a female such as this, HE is the one who is labelled a pervert. she has emotional issues and is currently in councelling but am i looked upon as the guilty party in all of this. it just confirms the argument fo not telling her mother.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

You need to give us more details because anyway I read this...something stinks real bad, here. I am more of a skeptic here. Was there any coercion on your part?? Listen, I work with teenagers, youth and even the most damaged, troubled, messed up 16 year old female I have talked with, would be absolutely appalled and grossed out, about her old 50ish step dad viewing her , naked. Something is 'off' with both of you. If this young female had been raised well with self-respect and self-love, I can honestly state that this would not have happened. So my guess is, this is not innocent. You can argue this point with me, till the cows come home, but my senses are on hight alert here. If this teen girl did this willingly or was talked into it, .then sir, you are a foolish, man for partaking and for not taking the smart, mature steps to stop her, walk out of the room immediately and inform her Mother of what happened. C'mon. You are the adult -you can control where your thoughts go..you can control where your eyes go. You have a brain, you can make good choices. So I surmise that you wanted this and that seeing her naked was more important to you at the moment.

As for this young female..she has some emotional issues and her morality and sense of self-esteem is likely messed up and skewed. Combine that lack of principles with her female power to sexually titillate and tease a guy..any guy (including her old step Dad) ... and this is what you have. Avery troubled time bomb ready to go off and you sir, could've ended up in big trouble.

So what do you do. Tell her Mother and do it now. She needs to know how her daughter is 'acting out' in a highly dangerous way. Plainly, this girl feels having sexual approval from just any male, validates her as someone important. How utterly saddening for this young girl. She needs someone in her life to help her, not manipulate and use her. If she's doing this with you, she's doing it with others. My heart goes out to her. Ask her Mother to get her into counseling. Good luck.

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A male reader, saltwater United Kingdom +, writes (18 July 2008):

saltwater agony auntHow can you be confused?!

How come you have never stopped her?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

On both occassions her Mother was in the house but in a separate room. The first time she did it i was walking passed her room when she called me in and she was wearing a dressing gown, she smiled and then dropped the towel.

i left the room immediately. the second time i was in the kitchen on the phone to my son when she appeared wearing just a bath towel and again this was dropped, she laughed,

then picked it up again (after a few seconds) and she left the room. i was so shocked i couldn't speak at first but then told my son. She has given myself and her Mother cause for concern over different behavioural matters and i don't want to add to her Mothers worry by telling her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

I would definitely tell the mother. You don't have to say it in a judgmental way, just subtly bring it up, but make sure she knows. She needs to know about this.

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (18 July 2008):

You really should have stopped her from getting naked or left the room when it happened.

If she did it in a sexual way then you need to tell her mother as you have a problem and you don't want it to escelate to a stage where it may look like you did something wrong.

If she just did it when she was getting changed or something then next time she does it, then just mention that she's getting a bit too old to be stripping off in front people you so you'll leave her to it. She may just see you as a dad so not have considered being naked with you could be a problem.

Good Luck!! xx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

Should've told her before really. How are you confused?! Your with her mother, your meant to be a father figure for her. Expecting your daughter to do it to you?!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

I presume this has happened when the two of you were alone? if so, you definitely should tell her mother - and without delay. This young lady is probably testing your reaction to her behaviour. Maybe even trying to compete with her mother for your attention. If your partner is in the know she can decide what to do about it and have a quiet word with her daughter.

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A female reader, loria Canada +, writes (18 July 2008):

two times why not say something the first time be careful it could look bad in the eyes of the mother Id talk to the daughter if you can something like this should have been dealt with right away not after two times I would think if I was the mother that maybe you liked it tread careful.

BOundaries my freind Boundaries

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