A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just found out that my partner of 9 years has been lying to me. He has been looking at porn on his mobile and getting off on it. Now that isn't the problem its the lying and the secrecy and the fact it has escalated to him using text chatlines. Can I ever trust him again? What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2008): As you have found out it does escalate, this is not your fault, you have not caused it, I completely understand you being so very upset with the lying and sneaking around, I would have to have a talk with him about it, I would need to find out if he is he going to stop because it is hurting you, his wife, it doesn't matter if he is addicted or not, him using it in any way shape or form is not acceptable to you, you have to let him know that and what boundaries are you going to set if he continues. A very good site for you to check out is npsupport.net there you will see the hurt and pain porn cause, the ladies give very good support and advice for anybody in this horrible situation. I gave my husband the ultimatum after I found out he had lied to me for many years of our marriage, he was watching porn and m/b behind my back, it was a total complete shock to me, but I said, porn or me, he chose me, I have made my choice that I do not want porn in my life, ever, it causes untold damage, especially when they get ED because they prefer their hand to a real woman. I hope you sort it out but it may take a long time depending on your husband's opinion, and just remember you cannot make him change he has to want to, you can only change what you want and need in your life to feel safe and happy.
A
female
reader, gaslight +, writes (1 July 2008):
i think you are very upset and you have every right to be you confront him with evidence if possible and tell him if it doesnt stop you are moving on,you are too young for all this ,you feel you should be enough for him and i agree i would feel the same,if he cant or wont stop it will only get worse good luck be strong you have to ask is it worth saving ,only you can answer that hun.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): There is a serious problem here, as you clearly don't like (understandably) the idea that your partner is 'getting off' through text chat. You have to talk to him about this, it's the only way to sort things out.
Also, have a read of these, and show them to him:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/3503465.stm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natachata
He may already be aware of this, or he may not, but he probably isn't even talking to a real person. Just food for thought.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 It sounds like you disapprove of his looking at porn. I think he was lying because he was ashamed of it and didn't want to let you know.
By pushing porn appreciation outside the bounds of your relationship, you appear to have inadvertently opened the way for worse things (online chat).
I suggest that this is not a matter of trust but of understanding and communication. If he likes porn and finds his way blocked by your lack of understanding and sympathy, then you are basically forcing it underground.
A lot of women come on Dear Cupid complaining that they can't stand their boyfriend looking at porn. And each time there is a standoff between those people who regard men looking at porn as cheating and disrespectful, giving their girlfriend self-esteem issues, and those who recommend tolerance and understanding as it is a "guy thing".
The way to restore trust is to realise that he's not necessarily "betraying" you; he just can't bring himself to be open about something that you find distasteful. If you were more open and tolerant about his looking at porn, I suggest that the trust issue would never have emerged.
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A
female
reader, Ski  +, writes (1 July 2008):
.I have a friend who's dad is just like this and I'd say simply talk to him and if he is truley sorry work through this with him it could be an addiction who nos I'm so sorry that is all I can really say on what youve given me feel free to message me if you have a question. Again sorry so short
Hope I helped
Ski
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A
female
reader, gaslight +, writes (1 July 2008):
i think my hubby has been watching porn over the years to.and it is now causing problems so dont let it continue confront him and tell him if it doesnt stop your moving on you prob feel as if you av done somthing wrong,but rem its not you thats got a problem its him,your only prob is him you can be strong dont worry i do feel for you its not a gid feeling take care
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