A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Bit of back ground. Me and my bf started a long distance relationship we met through a long time mutual friend. I was happy being single and he was in limbo with his fiancée. However he was just waiting for the appropriate time to end it. During this time we chatted he took a real shine to me, however i shot him down ie you're in a relationship: his response, *well she moved back to another country and pretty much both agreed it was an open one*.I said i didnt want to be involved in a mess and i was happy. However over 3 months he persisted that he deserved a chance and that he was willing to travel to meet me *distance was another reason i didnt want to get involved* however he persisted that it was not that far. So i said "no your in a relationship i will not get in the middle of it", he said he would end it. That is what he did and a couple of weeks later we met and got on really well so we met up a few more times and decided that after 5 months we would become a couple. However his ex had taken it well but once she knew i was on the scene she started posting obscene photos of them to try to ruffle my feathers and such like, he removed them and more that i hadnt seen. I put it down to that she was hurt and was trying to rock the boat however she was trying to befriend me and chat to me, however I do not get involved with ex's, more so ones that are not that very nice. I told my bf this and said im happy for you to both to talk such like but i do not want her a part of my life, she is your past not my future. I said you can message her but no web chats and phone calls. I was willing to let him keep in touch providing it wasn't over my happy boundaries due to the previous trouble with her. Things were really good, had not had any trouble from her for over a year. I thought everything was good till i realised that there was messages on his phone to which i was on to get some information. I read that he had been phoning and web caming during the whole time. So i had it out with him and he denied it so i told him i knew more than i actually did and he fessed up to some of it but not all off it. He states that she was saying she was pregnant. Which ok I'll fish for that but at the time she would of been 10 months gone. So he admitted that he lied to me and he doesnt know why he tried cover it up. I said i was very hurt that he lied to me rather than what he did i said you've broken my trust, he asked for a second chance to prove he wouldnt make the same mistake twice. However recently i was on his computer and upon start up came his IM and it stated he had even spoken to her early this year. He seems to try to hide more of it than just admitting to it all, is there something dodgy here or is he thinking the less he admits the better it will be? He said he has stopped talking to her. He was going to delete her from his computer which i know he hasnt done. He wants to move in with me and im not sure that i can fully trust him. How can one move forward from this? I am aware that i have to forgive him or it wont work. How do i trust that he is not still in contact and just hiding it better. I know whatever will be will be. I know he loves me and as far as im aware she is still in another country so i think its safe to say that there is nothing going on other than words and calls, is this emotional affair or just a silly man? I dont tolerate cheaters or liars. Am i making a mountain out of a mole hill ? Thanks in advance ANON xx
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affair, his ex, liar, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (19 October 2012):
 "....is this emotional affair or just a silly man?"This is definitely not silly. Silly is something that is harmless and innocent. What you're looking at is an emotional affair. Here are some signs of emotional affairs:* When most meetings and conversations are kept secret from your partner.* When you say and do things with someone you never would do in front of your spouse.* When you make a point to arrange private talk time with them.* When you share stuff with them that you don't with your partner.Does that sound familiar? It should and never delude yourself to think for a second that this is just "silly"."I dont tolerate cheaters or liars."Sure you do because you're in a relationship with one. Theoretically you don't tolerate liars, most people don't, but the fact that you're still with him shows you to be very tolerant. You may hate it, but you still tolerate it. Until you leave him, you ARE tolerating a liar and a cheater."Am i making a mountain out of a mole hill?"Not at all. In fact, I think you're downplaying how bad the situation really is. You are not in a good situation with this man. He is still hung up over the ex and he has no intention of stopping. This all translates to one thing: negativity and hurt for you in the present and future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): What I find weird is how he's trying to cover it up. You should look at the way he acts. Does he usually go to such extremes to cover things up, or is he acting differently? Also, do you think you could try talking to her? Then again, you can't guarantee she'll be 100% honest. If they've spoken, is it crazy to think maybe they've seen each other and that's why he's not looking past the ten month ordeal? Regardless, I hope you find out the truth and good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): Hey, are you ok? I hope you are..This guy deserves to be dumped.. Sorry, he wont change. Obviously he still have strong feelings for his ex.I have to tell it to you, His ex will always be a part of his life until such time his ex will marry and have her own family. He might care for you but he still cares for his ex as well.So are you ok with this kind of set up? For me three is a crowd. you caught him a lot of times, even if he tells you im done with her, ill stop.. Its all lies. You know it.He isn't confusing at all. I can read him based on your stories. In fact, his bad in lying you should tell him that.You can never trust him at all unless he comes clean and cut his bullshit on his own. Though its just webcam and chat but people fall in love with this kind of stuff, you never know he might have a change of heart becoz of continous chatting.I suggest for you to think really hard about this. You have two options.1. Fight for him, compete with her ex and get ready for a life full of stress and distrust.2. Leave him, get a better man and have a chance to live life better without him.either way, its your choice...
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