A
female
age
41-50,
*lack moon
writes:I am 39 years old and have been with my partner for 2 years.Our relationship was fantastic to start with, and i thought he was the one and we would always be together, i had found my soul mate.After about 8 mths into the relationship, he started to become very distant, sexually inactive with me and generally behaving like a stranger. After a couple mths we got back on track and things went well again. However, these distant episodes would happen every few weeks or so, to the point where i was convinced there was other women.He split with me this may, saying that we were two very different people and he couldnt see us ever living together in the future and that there was no point in carrying on. Though he stressed how much he loved me and always will. I was heart broken......i just didnt understand any of his answers and convinced there must be someone else.However, a week ago he wanted to try again and just a few days together, the relationship is blooming again until............he went to work this morning.Knowing that there was something amiss previously in our relationship, something i couldnt quite put my finger on, i went snooping in his drawers. There i found his digital camera. looking through some of his pictures i found pictures of him dressed in a maids costume with stockings, suspenders and a long black wig. Stilleto shoes and black gloves, there were also pics of him in a tight black cocktail dress, velvet gloves and black wedge shoes. At first i laughed, thinking, i thought he was having an affair, but really he likes to dress up as a woman. But then i started to feel sick. On some pictures he was using a dildo and inserting it into his bottom. I cant believe he had kept this from me. The dates on the pictures were a few days before we split up. I now know that this was a major reason of why he wanted to split with me and why he had his distant episodes, lack of sexual attention towards me and also why he said we could never live together.My boyfriend is 6ft 2", covered in body hair, very muscular and very much a mans man in public. I know he would be devastated if he thought i knew about his secret, and would like to try to coax the truth out of him.I am concerned that he may have been with a man{men} whilst with me, as he does like anal sex and always spent alot more time in that area then actually vaginal sex.I am confused as to how to deal with this. I love him and would not have a problem with this sexual fetish as long as it didnt go further than our relationship. I am always willing to try new sexual experiences but not prepared to share him in a swinging environment or with other people.How can i get him to open up to me. Alot of the past between us seems to make sense now that i know this and to be honest i am almost relieved, because i got an answer to his behaviour.I have spoken to a good friend of mine, who recently divorced her husband after his sexual fetish of wearing womens underware, shoes and makeup got too much for her. She told me to finish the relationship saying that he only wants me to cover up the fact that he has a secret life. Please can you give me some advice
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affair, anal sex, broke up, dildo, divorce, soulmate, split up, swinging, vagina Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 August 2013):
 One thing you REALLY have to hold on to and remember is this, YOU didn't "make" him be this way. It's a choice for him. And something I think he doesn't WANT to share, at least not with you.
Nothing to do with you, in a way (even if that hurts) but maybe that will make it "easier" for you to let go of him, because it's a HUGE part of who he is. Whether he likes it or not. IT does affect YOU as well even if he didn't share it, those nagging feelings (or gut instincts) TOLD you something was up and they were right.
So trust your gut.
A
female
reader, black moon +, writes (25 August 2013):
black moon is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou honeypie and wise for your advice. Its a very difficult situation. Especially when we had broken up for 3 mths and the hurt is still there and ive wished to be able to try again with him. To find this out is another kick in the guts. And of course there has always been trust issues for me as he is changable and distant in the past anyway.
Your sound advice certainly reinforces what i already know deep inside. :(
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 August 2013):
This is part of who he is, but he CHOSE not to share it with you for possibly many reasons.
1. he doesn't WANT you to know. Maybe he is partially ashamed of it.
2. he doesn't think you would accept it.
3. he doesn't WANT to share it.
All 3 good reason why you should not try and MAKE him tell you. And I agree with Wise... it is not an easy thing to have to deal with in a partner. Because it does create trust issues. If he took those photos did he do them for himself? For other men? Will he want to try "real" anal sex with a guy instead of a dildo? What else is he hiding?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Men who live secret lives, and have duel personalities are a lot to deal with. In your case, he has a cross-dressing fetish; and appreciates anal sex.
He didn't share this with you; because he knows such an alternative life-style is not one for the faint of heart. It is quite much to ask of a gay boyfriend; let alone a heterosexual female.
Although others may advise differently, I am going to give you my advice on this. I am a gay man. It is likely this behavior will take it's toll on you. Your mind is still in shock, and you are relieved to know he isn't having an affair outside your relationship. However; this is much too stressful for you. You don't know really; if he isn't seeing men, or someone else.
You feel you can pretend it doesn't bother you, in order to continue the relationship. You have already caught him hiding something. You already wonder if he is into men.
Please, be realistic. Don't put yourself through this.
It's too much and it's unfair to you. You're not into this lifestyle, and your friend gave you the best advice; speaking from her own experience. You have to tell him what you know. Then see what emotions come of it.
The more you see, the tougher this will be on you. I think you're a wonderful person for remaining calm; and even considering to accept his unusual sexual fetishes. It isn't really for you. You find no pleasure in it, and will have to do a lot of pretending. The more you get into his head, the less comfortable you're likely to feel about it.
You deserve the type of man you thought you had. Not the one you are forced to be with.
You can try it and see if you're able to deal with it. My suspicion is; the more you know the less you will be able to deal with. It will overwhelm you, and maybe even disgust you. You did say it made you sick. If you've only seen it on video, it's one thing. In reality, that's when it'll hit you.
Go ahead and see how much you can tolerate. This isn't what you're into. So it will be a forced tolerance.
I still believe you are more inclined to be happy with a man who exclusively likes women, no fetishes, and prefers dresses and nylons on girls. I also don't think you are mentally prepared to deal with his transformations. You are attracted to the man's man you thought he was, not what you discovered hidden in secret.
I predict in a short time you will decide you'd prefer a less extreme sex-life. You will not trust him, and you would basically be going through the motions for his sake. You have every right to want, and deserve, the life you thought you had. Not one sprung on you by surprise.
He was deceptive in doing things behind your back; then dumping you when he wanted to devote more time to his fetish. He'll just do it again. I don't like the odds.
Do you?
It's just a matter of time before he wants to leave again.
The role-playing and the secrecy is part of his turn-on.
He may not wish to share it with you; or he would have told you about it. Sometimes it's something preferred to be done alone; and a partner isn't desired. Are you prepared for that?
Put up with it as long as you think you can. In my opinion,
you should just end it, and find the type of relationship you are comfortable with. It's nice to experiment and be open to new things. This isn't what you signed up for.
Don't compromise or surrender your happiness just to avoid a breakup. You'll be better off without this.
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