A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had posted about this in a different context earlier. But as days pass on I can't seem to handle this anymore. Please advice.My parents have been with us for a year now for my dad's cancer treatment as they can't do this alone. My mother lack's the will power and confidence to take it along. She can do go through the grind of physical labour and cry a lot but nothing else. You can see that I am too young to shoulder a lot and so much stress is causing a lot of agony and health concerns for me. My partner is my only solace. My relatives are trash who just wanted my parents' money.Over the months, I have grown strong from a 25 yeard old innocent girl to a strong young lady. But after all it is my father and it gets me emotionally weak. I used to a cry a lot, get IBS and fall ill. But now I have started seeing things from a practical and rigid angle which would save me my health and reduce my vulnerability.1. My dad is quite adamant and would not eat any nutritious food recommended to him blaming its taste, etc. He has a lot of complications but doctors say that he CAN eat relatively well. His otherwise health is good. But he is now very weak without nutrition. When they ask him not to eat he wants to eat and when they tell him to eat well he wouldn't. even from the beg he would resist any treatment recomm to him until the time it becomes a bare necessity. He has become too difficult to deal with. Now he wants to go back to his own home immediately. We have been caring for him for so long and still he doesn't trust us. He needs chemo now and he is very weak. I feel that the father I knew is gone long ago!2. My mom has become quite hyper and has started taking out her frustrations on me putting a lot of pressure on me for various things. There are somethings which I can't handle which I ask her to let it go. But she wouldn't. And then I flare up. She would start blaming me, accusing me for being so rude and start pitying herself. Though she acknowledges my commitment she says that it is because I behave badly with him that he wants to go back. She also told me today that I had asked them to leave. 3. I admit that I have a bad temper but everybody ought to understand that it is bad time that we have to face together. There is no account of the numerous calls I have made to different doctors, the hospital visits I have made and yet, if they feel so I don't care. We have seen a lot of suffering and my father suffered a lot and is still in agony. But accusing me of things is like spitting on yourself. Instead of perfecting me they should channelise their energy in to some thing that would offer them comfort.Dad has lived his life. But I am not even 30 and my life's stuck, point blank. Instead of appreciating me now they have started calling doctors behind me and have started planning their journey behind me. Whatever my partner does is seen and praised where I am just said to be "doing my duty". It hurts when people burden you and blame you at the same time even if they are your parents.I am not unhappy with anything as I have done my level best in treating my father and even the medical staff know it. It is he who has denied treatment, medicines and food. I can't help it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for your replies. Yeah, we are planning on sending them back once we decide on his further treatment. My native place is in a different county and it is not easy to travel to and fro. So once they leave they leave. My parents are really getting on my nerves for things beyond human control. Either you sit and cry or you plan the next move.
My father is all set to die and is not eating anything. There are many reasons why he doesn't eat. He has problems due to surgery in throat, he can't eat properly what he likes, he doesn;t like the rest, he is bloated, he is too tired to take effort without eating, he doesn't wnat to live nor will he allow nasal feed! Basically, it is terrible.
I never thought people could change so much. Last time I was so stressed out to enter the doctor's cabin that I sent my partner in. Usually, I am the one who takes it in. I was feeling sick due to my own ill health and my mom started forcing me. It hurt.
A moment ago my mother told me I ought to observe like the doctor said how he is eating and what's wrong and that she would tell the doctor that I am not doing it. To hell with it. I haven't been watching a romantic movie all these months but was trying to help. I closed the door on her without comments. My father is the most obstinate person in the world who never followed their diet plan. Even now, they have given him high calorie snacks which he hardly touches. Now, not even God can help him.
We basically have to trust the docs on their theory that my dad can eat and there is no medical problem in that. My mother further advocates it in front of him "oh, he can't eat, he is suffering...please pray for yourself to die". What the F***!
When I met a neighbour who was travelling to my native I told her that if poss I would like to send my mom along. But she can't neither stay alone nor take the rest of the journey alone. Nor can I manage my dad alone with all paraphernalia. So, we needed strong planning. When my neighbour asked my mom if she wanted to go she said that I was incapable of looking after my dad and she can't go. I thought it was ungrateful as she is my mother who knows me better than anybody in this world. Sick! When I told her it was sick it became another issue that HURT HER.
I simply can't accept being blamed so much for my character, my temper, my behaviour, questioning my abilities, picking what I haven't done etc. I have no formal training in treating people, talking to docs or have no medical knowhow. And still people expect a mountain from me! Is that really fair?
I need to make arrangements for the hourney or they will turn antagonistic against me for all the stuff I haven't done.
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 October 2010):
 You cannot make your father do anything. I think it would be for the best if he did go home, along with your mother. You could have a break from the stressful situation for a start. You need to contact social services and the hospital responsible for his cancer care. A package of home help/ community care should be arranged according to his needs. He doesn't want to listen to you as he is a scared stubborn old man, but if a district nurse calls at the house or his GP then he maybe inclined to listen to them instead as voices of authority. There is nothing to stop you doing respite care for your mother from time to time. You can visit and help, or have him stay at yours for little breaks...but you also need time for yourself.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 October 2010):
Your house, your rules or they're out.
Go to the doctor and tell them exactly what has been happening. Make preparations for them to leave, and see that they do. That probably sounds cruel. But I know how awkward old people can be when they want to be. We're expected to look after them and respect them, yet quite often they simply don't have any respect for us. My Grandparents are appalling, and I'm glad my mother made sure we never had to deal with them.
So, simple. Your house, your rules. Don't be afraid to have them taken into care, don't be afraid to dump them on the doctors. I know that sounds callous, cold and awful. But I know what it's like to have relatives take the piss, and your parents are now taking the piss.
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