A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a married man who has been having an online romance with a married woman I have never met for over a year now. This is problem enough, I suppose. However, what makes it worse is that the relationship is becoming more and more real. My lover talks about leaving her spouse for me and we sometimes have silly arguments like an old married couple. I feel some sort of romantic connection to her and her to me. The problem is that I would not leave my wife for a woman I have not even met. I feel that trouble is brewing for me - that I will have to make a choice. However, I hardly know this woman in a day-to-day sense and yet I agonize over her as if she was a "real woman" (which she of course is). She lives 300 miles from me. Obviously, the first step is meeting up but to both of us that's like somehow a huge betrayal to our partners. It's a big first step we are not ready to take just yet. Nevertheless, I feel like I care more for this woman than I do my own spouse. Crazy, I know, hence why I am posting here for perspective.
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affair, married man, married woman Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): With due respect it's NOT a fairy tale. Their are four real adults involved, 2 unknowingly, and 2 real marriages. Hopefully no children. OP your lover is talking about leaving her spouse. Time to shit or get off the pot.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): Stop using the computer and get back to reality!!!!! Its a make belief fairy tale and stop leading her on too-she is obviously looking for some excitement end it with her now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): You are already betraying your wife. I'll tell you something about this sort of situation. A family member was having an online romance/ affair with a woman overseas. I suppose he didn't think it was a 'real' affair and I also suppose he still loved his wife because they chose to conceive a child during the affair. After 18 months she found out. He was backed in to a corner. He and his wife tried to get things back on track but it didn't work out. They separated. He felt 'trapped' (so he said) by the other woman, but then moved in with her leaving behind 2 children. I will never really know if he wanted his marriage to end. I don't know if he ended up with the other woman because he felt obliged or couldn't face being single. But it was the end of his marriage and it was hugely acrimonious.
Having an online affair may seem like less of a betrayal but I don't think your wife will see it that way. Be very careful and think about whether or not you really want to risk your marriage. If you don't care for your wife any more, there is always the option of being single and starting again.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (1 September 2012):
 You do care for her more than you do your own spouse, because you have taken the time to invest in the relationship you have with her, but you have not taken the time to cultivate and retain a relationship with the woman you are married to. That is truly sad. You have a live woman, right there in your house. You climb into bed with her every night and yet you have spent so much time learning about a woman who lives 300 miles away that you no longer feel connected to the woman in your own house. Why is that? Marriage is like a garden. If you don't water it, it will die. If you don't pull the weeds out, your attraction for someone else will choke out the love you have for your spouse. If you truly want our advise, you will stop contacting the woman on-line and you will plug back into the reality of your own marriage and learn to connect to the woman you said your vows with. And I would do so before she discovers you've been unfaithful with your "emotional affair" with someone else.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (1 September 2012):
 I think it's important to know why you feel the need to talk with this other woman. What is lacking in your marriage that you do not want to speak with your wife? Do you still want to be with your wife but just like the excitement of talking to this other woman? If that's the case then you need to have a chat with your wife and try to get things exciting again, going new places or spicing up your sex life. If you don't want to be with your wife anymore for other reasons then leave her. There is no reason to even worry about the other woman in that case because you shouldn't be with your wife anyway.
The fact is that you are cheating. And it is very wrong even if you haven't yet met this other woman. But having been in an online LDR before I understand how intense they get. There is something so exciting about it and you think and imagine the person constantly. It's more intense than relationships in person and Im not sure the reason why. I think that's another reason you would be scared to meet her. All of this fantasy won't be the same in reality. In reality it is a married woman you have no idea about how she is in a relationship at all. Or even if she looks how she seems to look. I've seen people on webcam and when I met them in person it didn't look the same as I had pictured.
At any rate it is cheating and it needs to stop. Unless you are prepared to end your marriage for this other woman or end it because you are no longer happy, you shouldn't be talking and having such intimate feelings for someone other than your wife. Think about why you need this. Then try talking to your wife or counseling. I don't think you want to end your marriage so fix it. Talking to a stranger and developing feelings further harms your marriage and solves nothing. It's a cowardly way to not deal with the problems you have with your wife. I would also reccomend you tell your wife about this woman and why you enjoy talking to her, you don't need to mention the lovey crap about her leaving her husband for you. Maybe that will put things into perspective for both of you. But continuing this "relationship" online is a big mistake.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 September 2012):
 Oh Dear!!! what a muddle. This lady (whom ever she is) has developed strong feelings, so much so she's prepared to quit her marriage, it's only fair and right that you tell her you are NOT prepared to leave your marriage as well.
Sure it,s going to be painful and you will miss her company but things are way over the line and the casual chit chat is rapidly sliding into life changing behaviour...
Time to tell the truth and pull the plug.
You are lucky that she doesn't live in your neighbourhood or you might have been in line for a punch on the nose...
Carrying this further would be very cruel and unkind on your part because you know in your heart that it won't go anywhere.
Just because you haven't met in person is no reason to lead someone on further and give them unnecessary pain and heartache...it's just not a nice thing to do.
Focus on your marriage, it sounds as if it needs attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): Simple advice. Use that extra time while YOUR chatting 2 do for YOUR wife. Remember what YOU did when YOU were dating? YOU know the flowers date nights etc? That isn't supposed TWO stop BECAUSE YOU'RE married. If YOU get off that chat line and put that effort into YOUR marriage, YOU will start getting a different turn in YOUR marriage. It's called rekindling the flame. Leave this other woman alone. YOU don't know her, YOU don't know if she is insane a psycho path, or what. Y risk if on just what she is telling YOU. Even if YOU did leave YOUR wife do YOU not realize that relationships that start that way usually never works? Read the stats. When YOU get that person on a full time basis YOU have to accept the good the bad and the ugly. YOU don't know all that yet. YOU just know what she's telling YOU! Talk to if wife, start romancing her again, get help if needed. The grass ain't always greener on the other side. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 September 2012):
 I suggest you consider this phrase from your submittal:
"...yet I agonize over her as if she was a "real woman" (which she of course is)."
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW - for sure - if "SHE" IS a real woman!!!! There are all manner of posers on web/matching sites.....
Push your chair back from your desk and take a deep breath. Turn OFF that web site... go have a beer - maybe watch some tennis - and SLEEP ON IT (WITH your REAL wife, natch!!!)..... and WAIT for not less than 7 days...
IF, on September 8th, you think your submittal... and this cloudy "woman" still fester in your head.. .then go on and make a fool of yourself....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (1 September 2012):
 HiYes you do need some perspective. Do you spend the same amount of time communicating with your wife? Thats how your time online should be spent. Or persuing some pastime,sport or whatever. NOT chatting to some strange (married) woman whom you have never met!Your getting emotionally attached to an illusion,in a way already cheating on your wife.Imagine if she was chatting to and considering meeting a man off the Net,how would you feel?What is missing from your marriage or life, something you can work on ? You need to re-focus and look at what you have.Stop the contact with this woman, delete and block her. Tell her your not going to go any further with this ~ its that easy.Then work on your marriage.
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