A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a dysfunctional relationship for almost 8 years, I have to confess that is was largely because the sex was good, I was 33 when I met him and for the first time I was able to orgasm through penetrative sex and I guess I got addicted. My ex had a lot of sexual experience of a useful nature in as much as he knew how to pleasure a woman in bed, that said the trade-off turned out to be that he could not keep it in his pants and had a fetish for anal which I gave into as a trade off for the good sex.Thankfully after almost 8 years I had the good sense to walk away and now have met the most wonderful, considerate and supportive partner who is also very attractive - I state this incase anyone thinks I may be 'settling' for a less attractive man and that maybe subconsciously this is contributing to the problem as he may be picking up on that, not so.The problem is that my new man's sex drive is just so not on a par with mine, that said I know that he and his ex, who he was with for 10 years did partake in taking naughty pictures and getting dressed up. Not a problem for me I did this with my ex because of this I assumed that like with my ex their sex life was very active. I have dressed up as he requests but he seems to freeze. So what is the problem? I have never told him I had great sex and often with my ex so it can't be feelings of inadequacy from that. I have dressed up for my new man and nothing happened, ladies you can imagine how that feels, it takes confidence and can be nerve raking to do anyway so naturally I am now no longer in any hurry to do that again. I assumed that because I dressed up for my ex who I had a very active sex life with that therefore he must have had a very active sex life with his ex but now I am thinking maybe she felt she needed to do this to provoke a reaction.I have addressed this with him and say I don't feel I am desirable to him and he took great offence to this. I know it might sound weird but I think his deep love and affection for me is adversely affecting his sex drive, that feelings of love are separate from sex and he can't reconcile the two where I am concerned - does this ring true with anyone? I know undoubtedly that he loves me and do not feel threatened by any other woman on that score. I approached him again and he said that I need to be strict with him, I guess control the situation - maybe this is the underlying problem maybe he is such a 'good boy' he needs or gets off on permission. I told him at the very beginning I tend to be submissive and he told me he likes sex a lot so I am left feeling confused as to what to do for the best. I have tried to be more dominant and most of the time we have sex is when I take charge but because of my inhibitions this only occurs when I have a drink and it doesn't work for me then because I cannot orgasm and needing to drink to have sex is such a no no. He saiid he would also try being more dominant and has made lukewarm attempts. I will state here for the benefit of the guys because as we know guys are visual and they may be thinking I could possibly be obese or whatever, I am 42 and a size 8 shoulder length blonde hair blue eyes and look younger than my years as I am repetitively told. I have no trouble attracting the opposite sex. I sometimes laugh thinking that it's not doing me any favours at the moment especially when a rather chubby girl I know got pregnant for the third time recently I did chuckle wryly to myself thinking - see just goes to show, sometimes people have the total misconception of how life really works she is probably getting a lot more sex after several years and two older kids than I'm getting.Being honest I know I can't live the one life I have without sex especially not after having such great sex before and if we are talking once every two weeks at the beginning of the relationship what hope is there for the future? What really turns the knife is I feel I finally did the right thing leaving a total tosser and that this is the kind of man who deserves my love and attention, including physical and this is what happens. Makes me wonder if that is why these heartless tossers get away with it. I really love my new partner and want it to work but I am also a realist.Any advice or a different take in the situation greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 " In the beginning when the subject of sex came up he told me he liked sex alot"
He can like it a lot, yet not want it all the time. Not wanting it often doesn't mean he isn't really enjoying it when he is in the mood for it. But his drive is indeed lower than yours, and that can make things very difficult long term. You might hold on now, but only in the hopes that things get better. Already you have admitted to this, by saying you got your hopes up... time and time again you get your hopes up. So you haven't resigned to the fact that his sex drive will not increase, you will not have sex more frequently. This is as good as it gets, I believe. And you're still in the honeymoon phase! Later on it'll be even less frequent, maybe not, but probably, as that is what most couples experience.
"this is what frustrates me, I love him & I want this to work"
Love isn't enough to make a relationship work. I've had to realize this time and time over. I love a guy, so much, but it doesn't help that I love him above the moon and the stars. It doesn't make him and me more compatible. So you have to realize, this isn't about whether or not you love him, or whether or not he loves you. This is about whether or not you are compatible.
Then you mention something I find quite interesting, and which I think explains it all. His weight. He's overweight, am I correct? He hates the way he looks. Trust me. He might say he's "fine" with how he looks, but he isn't. He hates his body, and being over weight also works to decrease his sex drive. His little hinting at wanting to drop some weight aren't really hints, they're the truth finally coming forward. He's got issues with his body. Sadly, this is only an explanation, and not a solution to anything. You can't help him lose weight, and believe it or not, but you can't build his confidence either. These things he needs to fix on his own. You can tell him time and time again how hot he is in your eyes, but it will never sink in. Believe me, I've dated insecure men all my life. I have a "type", I always go for the insecure ones... without realizing it until afterwards. They DO NOT believe it when you tell them how much you admire them, or want them, or how hot you think they are. Tough love is all that works: figure out your mess on you own.
So he always wants you to initiate. That's just him. That's how he is. I've been there in your shoes, with an overweight man who NEVER initiated. I'd never experienced that before! Every man I had ever been with until him would throw themselves at me the moment I got naked, or the minute I gave them that look saying "I want you". Yet there he was, just snoring beside me. And there I was, feeling very unattractive all of a sudden. Unwanted, not sexy, not good enough. And it drove me crazy, yet I thought I could pull through the crap sex, as long as we loved each other and were otherwise happy.
Thing is, there's probably more things wrong here than you want to admit right now. When the sex goes wrong, usually something else is failing too. Such as him coming home so late... The working hours.. never getting to see each other.. Him complaining about being tired all the time. Things like that can really tear at a relationship, and I'll be surprised if you're not tired and fed up with it by now. I mean how many times are you going to stay up at 2AM for this man? Not that many. You might be willing to now, only 9 months in... but not for much longer. And honestly, why should you be getting dressed up at 2AM for a guy who doesn't even appreciate it?
I honestly believe that despite you loving him, you are not compatible, and you would be happier with someone else. Despite how great of a guy he probably is, he needs to be with someone who doesn't want sex and intimacy. Someone who doesn't care to stay up until 2AM to try and make an impression, but who rather just goes to sleep and is okidoki with not getting to see him. Because lets face it, he's perfectly fine with going to sleep without seeing you at 2AM in that fancy underwear. He doesn't care. It's a waste on him. You have to stop trying to get a reaction because it wont happen any more often than every third week or so no matter what.
So either resign to it not going to happen very often, or resign to the two of you just not being compatible. It really hurt to break up with my ex bf, but once I had done it I felt relief. And then once I got together with my current boyfriend I knew I had made the right decision, because sex is an important part of a relationship to me, and it isn't worth it if you can't get your needs met.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello - me again. Thanks for your replies they were all really helpful. I posted the question then had not been back on here until last night, many reasons, thought we'd turned a corner, felt posting the question was somehow disloyal & lastly was worried someone might have made a smart-ass or hurtful comment.
I think we had sex either the night I posted the question or one of the following so I got my hopes up again. We have had sex since but now we are into week three again, I have noticed that if I go without for two weeks I start to feel low & then resentful so I came on here last night & read your replies, it was particularly helpful to get a male perspective & what you said Afterglow about the two different ways a man's personality is formed really resonated with me so I got off the sofa, climbed into bed with my partner told him I was sorry & I loved him. I also had been thinking along the lines you talked about re the media & how they portray men, how damaging it was, even the seemingly innocuous James Bond - what is that getting across, that all men are womanisers at mercy to their hormones, is it any wonder us women are confused when they aren't walking around with permanent hard-ons at the mere site of our naked flesh.
So where we go from here:
To answer a few questions, we have been in a relationship nine months but had these problems from the start. When we first started dating, after a suitable time period my friend would look at me confused & say 'What are you doing home?' and I would think I really don't know. In the beginning when the subject of sex came up he told me he liked sex alot & that it was about two people, not just one (he was referring to the fact my ex never used to come inside which was the conversation we had been having), he expressed that he liked a woman to get dressed up sometimes in sexy underwear. Both these statements fell into my remit as I enjoy an active sex-life & getting dressed up in sexy underwear so I had every reason to believe we would be compatible.
Since we have become serious I have tried to talk to him on more than one occasion, this is what frustrates me, I love him & I want this to work. First he said that he was tired, he had started a new job which requires him to get up really early so that he retires to bed at 9 but I am at home in the afternoon when he gets in, so I dressed up because he told me that was what he liked & that sometimes he would like me to be dressed up when he gets in from work - no effect, bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I assume therefore (yes assuming again Afterglow!) that it's not enough to get dressed up I also have to lead him to the bedroom & initiate sex. As I said he told me at the very beginning he likes a woman to dress up, he also quite likes when you go out with no underwear on, I have tried both of these & while he may have a little grope when I go out knickerless it has never resulted in sex & many's the time I have dressed up & we have just gone to bed. Aside from this assumption these attempts of mine for me threw the whole 'I'm tired' excuse out the window.
So I talked to him again & he explained I had to be strict with him so maybe my assumption was right, this gave me the impression he wants me to take charge, this just isn't me - this is me when I've had a few drinks & that seems to be when we have sex but he doesn't drink & is not mad on me drinking. As I have been drinking it means the sex is not as enjoyable for me & sometimes I pass out afterwards & can hardly remember it - but unfortunately my confidence is such after my previous experience that I just can't bring myself to be the instigator stone cold sober so I think maybe it is the same for him.
I found about his ex dressing up because I had to use his computer, I saved an image & it jumped to his pictures folder, I am cool with this - we both have a past & he got rid of the pictures even though I did not ask him to & had explained that it just made me question what was going on with us. His response was that I had to remember they had been in a ten year relationship - so does he mean that comes later? On a couple of occasions he expressed that he would like to take pictures of me but has made no initiative to, so again do I quite literally have to throw the camera into his hand?
I have considered it might be something to do with his weight or how he feels about himself but when he brought the subject of his weight up in a completely unrelated conversation he said that he wasn't 'unhappy' with his weight but wouldn't mind losing a bit, lately he has expressed that he would be happy to lose a couple of stone.
Chigirl I have considered as you said that maybe it has got to the stage where I just have to say 'look, let's make this day (because I'd be happy with one day a week at the moment as it'd be an improvement) the day we have sex regardless, I cringe at the thought of doing something so contrived but I am seriously considering it. He showers before he goes out at 5am every morning but a shared shower is also worth considering, he did get in my bath once but out a few minutes later. I am always massaging his poorly feet but yes maybe I will try the proper massage route & kissing sessions. You say you experimented to find what you're boyfriend liked but presumably that was easier because you already had a functioning sex life & it was just about learning more or did you have to be the pro-active one from the start? Other questions, no I don't think there is an issue with erectile dysfunction but have considered he might have low testosterone levels but he never goes to the doctor, I really can't see him going about this.
To share one final thing, one day I did walk around fixing the dinner with nothing but a PVC thong he bought for me, he got that look in his eye & followed me to the kitchen started to kiss me which was really lovely, we hadn't kissed like that before - he turned into the kind of man that really turns me on, clear in what he wanted & not frightened to tell me what that was, we had great sex & I told him how great I thought it was. Then - hibernation again. I had a sheer, see-through negligee on all day yesterday - even in the garden, nada! He bought me a body-stocking & I wore it, when he got in from door work at 2am one night after working during the day, he wasn't tired then & took charge of the situation but this was at the end of last year! So it's not like he hasn't got it in him, do the conditions always have to be right for him & it's just so infrequent. For me if you have good sex I don't understand how you can then just switch off for so long!
We shall see - & thanks again so much for your feed-back. X
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 June 2013):
I don't think there's any psychological explanation for this, like him being too much of a "good guy" or something like that. I think he just lacks the sex drive. He's happy with once every two weeks. That's enough for him. His need is less than yours.
I don't know how you came to know his ex used to dress up for him. Maybe it is like you suspect, she had to do it to try and spark his interest? Either way, that doesn't mean they had an active sex life. I think the sex was the same as the sex is now with you, because people don't change.
How long have you been with him? Have you talked about this, and about how you want sex more often?
The times you do have sex, how is it? Is it good? It sounds as maybe not, since you were disappointed in his reactions to you dressing up.
I don't think you should throw in the towel just yet. If things don't improve, and your needs aren't met, then you can't be with him. I do think sex is very important in a relationship, to feel close and wanted and sexually desirable. Those things are important to feel great and be happy. But it is best to try every method to work this out, rather than just leave. Because this is something that can be worked on, if he puts in the effort. For example, maybe you can have sex more often. Like, every Wednesday and Friday and Sunday. Yes, it will feel forced and unnatural in the beginning, more it's proven that having sex more often increase your appetite for sex... so then it becomes more natural after a while. You can also do other intimate things, such as shower together, give massages, have a kissing session, watch each other masturbate etc. There doesn't need to be intercourse every time. Doing different things can help, because then your needs are being met (intimacy) while it takes pressure off of him (he doesn't have to tear your clothes off every time!). You can build up passion for each other this way, rather than try to jump start it by dressing up.
I also recommend experimenting. Go hunting for his weak spot, maybe something you do to his body drives him wild. Or maybe there's something that turns him on what needs to be discovered. I came to find many such things in my boyfriend, things he wasn't aware of himself. He used to be veeeery quiet in bed, never making a sound. Then I found his weak spot and when I play with it he just can't control himself (most guys actually have this weak spot, so just experiment and you will find it too...).
I also found another sexual fantasy that he never used to think about before, but when I act it out he barely can stop himself from coming, and he gets so hard it's unbelievable. There's just this instant reaction, yet to get there I had to experiment and try different things.
I'm telling you this to let you know the man doesn't always know himself what he likes. Your ex had a lot of sex, and probably knew what to do to get excited. Your new boyfriend might be less experienced, who knows, maybe his ex never experimented with him (just dressing up doesn't do much unless that is what you're into). Or maybe he isn't aware that sex can be something amazing once he finds his weak spots.
Or, maybe he just doesn't like sex that much and doesn't have that high of a need for it. Or maybe he is lazy, doesn't want to put in the effort, is selfish in bed. If that is the case, then yes, nothing can be done and you would probably be better off leaving the relationship. It's unbearable to be in a relationship with a sexy man who you can't touch because he doesn't want you to, or he doesn't want to touch you... It slowly kills your confidence.
But see first, if you can't have intimacy in other ways in addition to sex, and if he's opposed to intimacy, or if it's just the "getting naked and penetrate" part that is the problem. Because if he's interested in intimacy in other ways then this can be worked around.
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A
male
reader, Afterglow  +, writes (22 June 2013):
 OK...It appears you have made a plethora of "assumptions". You were under the "assumption" that all guys are cut from the same cloth when it comes to sexual relations. I can't blame you. Society and media loves to portray the male stereotype of "Men are ALWAYS 'ready to go' at the drop of a hat". You are learning the actual truth and reality of the vast scale regarding male sexuality. Many "good" guys spent their (boy to man) time building their foundation on being a strong, intelligent, evolved, secure, and protective man. This is preparation for supporting a future family. Many "other" men are not really interested in supporting a family and are only concerned with their own sustenance and gratification. So, their time is spent building their sexual prowess...and not their character. This is not to say that "Good" guys don't have a level of sexual prowess and knowledge, it just was not the priority focus in their conscious development. That being said, you have to pay attention to the type of man you are with and the qualities he holds. You must listen when he speaks and analyze his actions when the topic of sex is on the table. You must find out how HE feels sexually. Is HE satisfied? Does HE feel that he is getting enough sexual activity? Does HE feel that he should WANT more? You've spoken on YOUR wants and needs...but, it takes TWO, and him just getting a hard on is not enough for BOTH of you to be happy sexually. You are focusing on his sex drive when you need to focus on his ideas, views, and perceptions when it comes to being sexual with YOU. You can't make him feel any anxiety about your sex life, because it will make matters worse. Also, vaginal orgasms are not guaranteed for every situation. You two may have to try different positioning, may have to try different sexual aids(toys). Stop thinking that because you had vaginal orgasms with your EX, that you can't have a happy functional sex life unless you have vaginal orgasms with your "good guy". That is bad thinking and can be subconsciously transmitted to your "Good Guy"...Think about it....If a guy used to date a girl with huge boobs, and now he is with a smaller chested lady, he is going to miss the big boobs(if that was his "thing"). Does this mean that he shouldn't MAN UP and make his New Girl feel just as special and wanted, regardless of her boob size? Well, it's the same for you. Your Ex is an EX for a reason. Let's not overlook the issue of testosterone. As men near and enter their 40's, testosterone levels drop. Your man's issue may be organic in nature and may require a trip to his doctor for a check up.You have a "Good Guy". Sex is important. But it's up to you to began the dialogue to find out where you BOTH are, on the sexual expression scale. If you are truly incompatible, then you have decisions to make regarding the outcome of your relationship.Time to put on your big girl pants and decide if being with someone who loves you the way your "good guy" does is worth working on the sexual dynamics of your relationship(which may not include vaginal orgasms via penetration).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2013): The one glaring possibility I don't see you mention is performance issues (erectile dysfunction, etc) for him. I am assuming he's close to your age? It's well documented that women's sex drives peak later in life than men's, so he may be past his "prime" in that regard. It's quite possible that he had tons of sex with his ex ten years ago simply because he was able to, and had confidence in his ability to perform. Fast forward a decade and maybe now he's already had performance issues, either with you or while masturbating, and is too concerned about potential embarrassment to want to initiate sex.This is a tough one, because it's a sensitive subject to broach (if you haven't already) and your relationship is new. If you are that desperate to have more sex with this guy, I think you need to sit him down and explain how undesirable he is making you feel by refusing your advances, and go from there. Ask him if he's taking any medications that might be messing with his sex drive... when he says no, ask him if he's considered talking to a doctor about why sex isn't enjoyable to him any more. And see what he says. If he's open to solving the problem, good for both of you... if not, it sounds like you'd be happier with someone who wants more sex, more often. Good luck!
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