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My mother in law brings strange men into our home

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Question - (13 September 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 17 September 2018)
A female Ireland age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi guys,

I've been having a bit of a problem at home. Basically my husband's father has recently died and that left his mother on her own. Because of this we agreed to move her into the spare room at our house - but it's a nightmare.

She's 60 at the moment and very young spirited - and goes out on the town a good 3 nights a week (this I could tolerate the first week) - but she's now started bringing back random men into my spare room! I'm furious with her.

I gave birth six months ago to twins and can't bear it anymore to have her being a third child in my house. I've expressed to my husband how I feel - he's equally as angry but is too scared to say anything in case he upsets her and says that she's having a hard time but I've just had enough of it all.

I thought she'd be helpful to have around but it's been awful. I don't want the twins to grow up around her but don't know what I can possibly do now without upsetting anyone. Thanks!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (17 September 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntWhile I do feel sorry for your mother in law as it is obvious this is the way she is dealing with her grief it is NOT okay what she is doing. If I was you I would be furious as well. It is not okay to bring strangers in to your home when you have young children there. You need to tell your husband either he talks to her or else you will. You sound like you have a good heart and you done a good thing letting her live with you both, but if this continues then it will only end up effecting your marriage. She needs to be told that it is not okay and if things don't change she will need to find her own home. I understand you don't want to upset her, but at the end off the day she needs to see that this is a dangerous path she is going down and that there are innocent children in your house who could be put in harms way with strangers coming and going. Be strong and tell your husband he needs to talk to her or else you will.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 September 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIt sounds like your mother-in-law is grieving for her husband by throwing herself into a wild life style and reliving her youth.

Two things come to mind:

1. Your husband needs to sit down with her and gently but firmly ask her what is going on with her. It may be she needs bereavement counselling of some sort to help her get over her loss.

2. Your husband also needs to tell her what effect her inappropriate behaviour is having on the family. By bringing random men home, she is not only exposing HERSELF to possible harm, but also you, your husband and, most importantly, your children. These men could be violent.

This behaviour is far from acceptable, regardless of what hurt she is trying to get over. Your top priority needs to be your children's safety. I would be MORTIFIED in your position and extremely worried for EVERYONE's safety and well-being.

She sounds like she is capable of looking after herself so perhaps it is time you all sat down and agreed a time-frame for her to find a place of her own, nearby is needs be, but not in your house. In the meantime, be firm and tell her NO MORE HOUSE GUESTS. What is more important: not upsetting her or keeping your children safe? I'd say that's a non-brainer.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 September 2018):

Seriously?!! You've got infants in the house, and your man is afraid to tell his hotsy-totsy mother to chill-out?

Look, why did you two take the woman in, if you don't have the nerve to set some house-rules? Exposing the babies to who knows what kind of germs? What if your husband has to ask one of the gentleman to leave due to bad-behavior? He's afraid of his own mama!!!

You can stop them right at the door, and wish her gentleman-friend a goodnight! Apparently she's tipsy or she'd show more class.

It appears Mom is out man-hunting for a replacement for her deceased-husband; and it seems she's well-past her bereavement-period! If she's got money for so many nightly outings; why can't she afford her own place? She's 60, not a rowdy college freshman away from home for the first-time!

What if they come stumbling in while you're in your nightgown or bed-clothes? Are you always dressed for unexpected company in the middle of the night? Do the babies stay asleep during all this commotion?

You came here for advice. We can't ask her to behave. It's up to you and your husband. It's really HIS duty!

If you don't have his support and backup; he's instantly forming friction between you and your mother-in-law. If it were up to me; I'd have no problem telling mom to act her age, and don't bring random men to the house in the middle of the night. She has to ask permission to invite a guest; and allow you and your husband the chance to prepare to receive him. I don't get to do that for you. I would in a heartbeat!

If we offer you our time and advice. You'll have to grow the backbone to use it.

"Mother dear, no more guests without asking us first." The answer is no, unless you're dating. He will be picking you up for the evening. He is not allowed to stay the night, or drop-by for booty-calls! He is never allowed to show-up without advance-notice!"

Feel free to printout our answers and place them on the coffee table under the heading: "House Rules."

Babies that age are susceptible to whooping cough, influenza, common colds, and whatever else she drags in from the bar, or wherever she finds them. It isn't cute! Such is undignified for a mature-woman.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 September 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYour husband needs to man up.

She needs to b e told this is NOT OK. That you already have a lot on your plate with the twins and don't want strange men in your house overnight.

While she is part of your household she really should know better.

I'd suggest she start looking for a place of her own so she can pursue her single lifestyle.

And yes, I think your HUSBAND needs to be the one having this conversation with her. SHE is his mom.

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