A
male
age
51-59,
*NLYCAT
writes:I have been married for twelve years, and before we were married we dated for ten years and lived together during those times. We have two beautiful children nine and eleven years old. My marriage has been going downwards for the last five years. I don't have the same love for her as I did twelve years ago. We constantly argue and she verbally abuses me, even in front of the kids. I work fifty to sixty hours a week and work a second job on my days off on top of my regular job. She works fourty hours a week and takes care of the kids. We both love our kids dearly and spend as much time with them as possible. I met another woman six months ago and developed a relationship with her. I feel more strongly about my love for her, than I did when I met my wife twelve years ago. I have been considering about seperating with my wife for reasons before I met the other woman. But now that I have met her I want to move the date up. I want my kids to be loved and grow with a mom and dad in a healthy family. The other woman loves me just as much as I love her and respects me and my marriage. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mercy George  +, writes (1 June 2010):
“There are couples who’d been married almost forever – forty, fifty, sixty years. Seventy-two, in one case. They’d be tending each other’s illnesses, filling in each others faulty memories, dealing with money troubles or the daughter’s suicide, or the grandson’s drug addiction. And I was beginning to suspect that it made no difference whether they’d married the right person. Finally, you’re just with who you’re with. You’ve signed on with him/her, put in a half century with her/him, grown to know her/him as well as you know yourself or even better, and she’s/he’s become the right person. Or the only person might be more to the point. I wish someone had told me that earlier. I’d have hung on then; I swear I would.” - This is written by a person who left the one he married. The above is so true and I have entered into this marriage to do all of the above with you, you and you.First, marriage should be loveall encompassing, total, and free.Love that grows stronger each daysoft murmurs of Thee, Thee, Thee.Second, marriage should be sacrificegiving of self, regardless of reward.Gift gladly given, with open heartshielded from life's harsh sword.Third, marriage should be commitmentutter loyalty, deep to the bone.Absolutely, no questions askedfaithfully promised, never alone.Lastly, marriage should be foreverfamily bonded, yet all still free.Lives joined with love, sacrifice, and commitmentan eternity promised with -Thee, Thee, Thee
A
male
reader, ONLYCAT +, writes (25 December 2009):
ONLYCAT is verified as being by the original poster of the question she totally understands the way you feel.... but she wants you to remember everything Yall talked about and keep your head up. youu can still get that spark from your wife. and who knows? maybe you two guys will learn something new about each other in the process... The children will grow up with a mom and dad. instead of a stepmom and stepdad. Jusst forget about the other woman that was once in your life. she will always be there. But its much easier for youu to move on with your life and fix things without having to worry about wat the "other woman" feels. good luck with everything. and you will always be in my heart. "forever and Alwayss". with love, *LJV*
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (24 December 2009):
 Like I already said, it sounds as if you have made up your mind and now you stand on a precipice of stepping foward and taking action. If your really sure in your heart that you want to be with this woman then the process has to begin to dismantle your marriage.
I feel for you, having gone through a divorce with kids involved myself, it's extremely tough! You need to act in a calm and constructive way but you should sit down with your wife and explain what is going to happen...I am sure you are aware that this isn't just your life we are talking about...
Once the process begins, things will most likely get very very unsettled but if you are determined and you feel you have done everything to try and save your marriage and can see no solution...then you will find a way through.
Life is unfair and you can't have it all, but if things are handled properly and sensitively and you stay calm and in control throughout, you may achieve something close.
Only time will tell.
The very best of luck.
AE x
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male
reader, ONLYCAT +, writes (24 December 2009):
ONLYCAT is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell things just went three hundred and sixty degrees in my life. The other woman just respected me and my marriage too much after she asked me what I wanted in my life. We spoke everyday for the last six months. I gave her all the details involving my complicated and once soon to be seperation; career, financial, home, retirement, and my family that I am trying to hold together for the children's sake. I told her my children are my number one priority and she was number two. I love her so much and deeply it hurts deep inside my heart and I saw in her eyes that she feels the same way. This is going to take longer and be harder than I originally thought! She put a turn on it all. She told me to work on my marriage and start talking. My thoughts are should I continue my path in my seperation? Should I go after the other woman who I love so dearly and want to start a new life with? Should I wait to see if she if she keeps in touch? I want her but keep my family. I can't have both! :(
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reader, ONLYCAT +, writes (23 December 2009):
ONLYCAT is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm thinking? Hum.....
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (23 December 2009):
 I don't know, but being verbally abused by your wife in front of your children does not sound like a 'healthy family' to me. Kids are not stupid, they notice these things. Most times people think staying together is the 'right' thing to do for the kids sake, but sometimes I think stopping your kids from being subjected to witnessing such abuse is doing them the bigger favor coz they are being moulded (and hurt) by the examples set before them. Sure it will hurt them at first if you leave too (unfortunately - but they will get over it - don't know anyone who hasn;t - and know plenty from broken relationships), ... but will that pain be greater than the one when they grow up more and maybe one day realize you perhaps sacrificed your own chance of happiness on a presumption that staying would be better for them. Would you like knowing one of your parents spent half their life dissatisfied for you? Of course not. Your kids are going to increasingly be having their own lives as they move through their teens, and before you know it be moving out of the house pursuing what ever makes them happy, ... and where will that leave you? If it just aint happening with your wife, do you want to let this other woman pass you by? I am probably not going to be too popular for saying this, but if you are sure the relationship with your wife has lost it's spark, if you are sure you don't want to settle with an unsatisfying relationship for the rest of your life, and if you are sure this other woman is more than a passing dalliance, then if I were you, I would be out of there and chasing some happiness.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 December 2009):
The first thing that leaps out at me when I read this is the enormous amount of hours you and your wife work. I would imagine you get to spend very little time together and probably even less with eachother alone if you have two children...it's little wonder that you argue all the time and things have been going downhill!!
I am a little surprised that you even had time to meet another woman and get so involved when you were already married to someone else?
I guess most people would tell you to examine exactly why your marriage is hitting the rocks and perhaps get some help to try and fix things but it seems you already have one foot out of the door!
You want your kids to grow up in a 'healthy family' but however you handle things leading to divorce, the children will undoubtedly suffer in some ways simply because their parents are no longer together. Children cannot really understand all the arguments and anger and often silently blame themselves when their parents break up. Their loyalties will be tested...and for a child, that's a struggle!
You also mention that you love the new woman more than your wife. I suspect that it is the excitement and ego boost of a new liason which is intensifying that love...eventually things will cool and you will need a reality check. A new relationship is a very vulnerable thing when you are trying to steer through a break up with a previous partner...don't fool yourself that it's going to be plain sailing.
Also if this woman respected your marriage, she wouldn't be involved with you in the first place!!!
What should you do? well I think you already know your going to walk away from your marriage...the grass looks greener and all that!!
or...
You could perhaps cut down your work hours, put the 'new love' aside and put your kids as the first priority. Talk to your wife about what is happening, tell her you feel like leaving but would like to perhaps see if things could be different if you worked less and spent more quality time together. Speak to marriage guidance and see if things can be saved.
Ask your wife if she is happy with things the way they are. Ask her if she thinks things would be different if you spent more time doing things together? You loved her once before so you owe it to her, yourself and your kids to really try and find a solution instead of quitting for good.
In ten years time you could find yourself in exactly the same situation with the new woman.
Stop arguing...start talking!
AE x
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reader, cottongin +, writes (23 December 2009):
 If you truly do not love your wife anymore, and cannot be happy because of it, it's worth exploring separating. It's also worth considering if you want to try to mend the relationship. If it's just her attacks on you that has been causing the problems, there could be an underlying problem that you two can discuss and try to fix. If there's more to it than that that you haven't mentioned, explore the possibility of a psychiatric or mood disorder, and that can be treated. What about her is different than the woman you loved 12 years ago? Try to figure those things out, and they may be repairable. Then of course, the less obvious and likely to happen option is having a polyamorous relationship with the other woman, and remain married to your wife. You would however, have to tell your wife, and get her consent, but i doubt most women in a monogamous relationship to begin with would be willing to do so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Hello *NLYCAT,
I can see that you are in a tough spot here. I imagined life in your shoes and could not come up with any good advice on whether you should stay or go. Besides I am 23 and not yet married, so any advice I lent on the subject would not be coming from a credible source. There is one thing that I can help you with though. It sounds to me that you are very worried about how your children will handle the situation. My parents divorced when I was 6 years old (under different circumstances than what you have described.) Looking back, I can honestly say that their divorce was for the best, and many good things did come out of it. Sure, I used to wish they could have worked out their differences and stayed together, but you can't always get what you want(Mick Jagger), and I see that now. My brother and I are doing just fine. We both graduated high school. He is already out of college, a Marine Officer, married, and a kid on the way. I am in college, happy and working toward my dreams. Don't get me wrong though, it hasn't been perfect. My dad moved away and remarried so we saw him less and so on. We dealt with that, and he is back around now so its all good. The point I am trying to make is, my parents divorced when we were young and my brother(he was 8 by the way) and I are doing great. A divorce doesn't mean that your kids won't have a good life. To tell you the truth, we would be worse off if my parents had stayed together. That is just how life works sometimes. I am not telling you a divorce is the answer; in fact counseling might be better if you feel there is any way the two of you could love each other the way you should. However, if you decide that a divorce is your only option, I have two pieces of advice that could save you from many heartaches and headaches.
First: Do not move a great distance from your children. When I was about the age of 7 my father moved out of state and remarried. At first I was too young really to be bothered by this, but by the time I hit 13, I saw it almost as abandonment. I just felt like he was an adult and could live anywhere he wanted, so why didn't he want to live near me? I see it differently now, but when I was young I would've given the world to live near my dad so I could see him and my mom anytime I wanted. Keep that in mind for your kids. As long as they can see you when they want to, they will be happy.
Second: If at all possible, do not burn bridges with your wife and mutual friends etc. It causes many problems along the road. Also, it is just really awkward for my brother and I to talk about our father and his wife/life in front of our mother and vice versa. I wish it were not this way, and I am sure sometimes they do as well. As I said before, I am not by any means telling you to get a divorce. I hope you guys can find a way to make it work but sometimes you're beating a dead horse. Life is short man just do what makes you happy and worry about it later, that's all anyone ever does anyway. Good luck.
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