A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Please can you help as my new marriage is falling apart. I am sorry but it is a long post.I have been married for under a month and things are not going well. Due to work we do not live with each other but see each other as much as possible and talk and text on the phone all day. The trouble all stems from before the wedding. For a long time my now husband has had a female friend who constantly calls and rings him. I know the girl and although she is independent she has known my husband for years and relies on him for advice, comfort, how to do things etc. It doesn't bother her that we were getting married and that I might not like it, the calls just continued as normal. I explained to my husband that the calling was excessive and over familiar and asked him to stop. This is not me being silly it has gone on for years and undoubtedly there was unrequited love on behalf of my husband. Before we got together and used to tell me how much he fancied this young fit bird. Prior to the wedding he said he had spoken to her about the situation and I assumed - stupidly, that the calls would cease. So we get married and then low and behold he is on the phone again to her a week later. Because we work apart I have basically not spent any time with him at all. We have discussed the issue and he says that I am trying to censor his movements and that I am being controlling and that I feel threatened. I look at it that he chose to maintain a friendship over his wife. Yes I do feel threatened as I know she is motivated to want to take my husband not because she really wants him but because she can.We now can hardly even speak to each other calmly and talk to each other solely about the weather and work. I feel if I back down I will be unhappy as this woman is still going to call and part of me also thinks my husband probably enjoys being the centre of two women wanting him. My husband says it is ridiculous and to put it behind me and move on but this woman isn't going to go away and he isn't going to stop talking to her so how can I. I feel I am going crazy - please help?
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male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (21 January 2010):
 Yes, don't think of revenge, rather think of letting fate take its path and decide for you, regardless of the pain you may feel. Do your own thing for now. I believe if you are strong enough to do this and by letting these things go, no matter what happens - Fate will figure out a way for him/her to be punished.
One negative equals a negative (if he and she does somthing negative intentionaly, then some day some place something of a similar effect will returm to him and to her) it may not be the same thing, but it will happen. And you will be there to see it as a reward for letting it go.
One positive equals a positive. Do great things and someday something, it may not be the same thing, but great will be returned to you.
You will find that if you let go in time it will get boring between them and then they will start to wonder why.
A
female
reader, LibertarianLou +, writes (21 January 2010):
Become friends with her. You'll probably find that if he has stuff in common with you, and with her, you and her must have stuff in common too. You may find her a lot less threatening when you know her insecurities, and see her as a person, not the Other Woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): I understand your pain and frustration. His conduct with her is intolerable. I do want to offer some comfort and direction and hope it helps:
The pre-marriage actions of him keeping a strong friendship with this girl didn't bother you as it does now because it was clear it did not impact the progress of the relationship.
Your position can be maddening, especially because of the long distance relationship variable. And it sounds like your hurt is compounded by the new side of him you see that truly is not tuned in to how you feel about his conduct with her. It is painful when your husband shuts you down when you communicate how hurt you are over his seemingly divided attention. And I know it is awful when the MEANING of his conduct hits you.
The first source of difficulty is what you expected, instead of agreed to. You didn't agree to him terminating his conduct post-marriage with the female friend, it was assumed. While it was a human expectation, it set you up for disappointment because instead of agreeing to him changing his conduct, you expected it to happen, and expectation leaves you wide open to disappointment.
Not taking sides, when you agreed to marry and then marry him during all of this conduct with the other girl, you implied, whether you meant to or not, that it was acceptable.
Your asking him to stop is a legitimate and reasonable request.
When you say, "...undoubtedly there was unrequited love on behalf of my husband. ...he fancied this young fit bird." It shows there is a story between them without the last chapter, and in marrying him you acquired that problem. When you say, "... and I assumed - stupidly, that the calls would cease." there's your explanation for your pain today.
He is wrong to say you are censoring, and controlling. First of all, everybody in the world must control and manipulate their environment in order to survive, and that's that. If someone else interprets your efforts to deal with your feelings as censorship and controlling, no problem, choose to not care. Of course you feel threatened. Who wouldn't feel that.
I would do the following:
1. Accept you chose this problem, and choose to know you will arrive at a solution, and no matter the risks and pain, you'll do the solution.
2. Commit to treating him without judgment and harshness, and follow through. When you talk to him, only be respectful and kind, and clearly communicate exactly how you feel, what you think, and what you want. I know you dislike "play acting" but sometimes dealing with others requires us to control our true feelings as we communicate.
3. Just like you said, do not back down from your solution, nor your position. Because like you said, you need to be happy.
4. Put the equal thought on the table to your husband, and ask this to him, not until he answers you, but until you know he is clear: "Husband, should I have a relationship of the exact nature with another man, whom I was attracted to for years before you, is it fair to you, and is it fair to us?" And don't expect him to answer it right away, or answer it at all, but let it stay out there until you are clear he understands the answer. You may in fact not like his answer, but when it clears up, you've got to accept it as his position and then move on accordingly.
As a note, sometimes, asking that question is in the form of doing exactly what he is doing, or posturing as if you are. I know you are fighting the impulse of revenge, but that is an inner voice telling you to bring things back into balance that are within your power. You are not a victim, and apparently you are an articulate, smart and capable self-assured woman. The word revenge is a culturally nasty term, but I see it as making things right. True revenge is not to hurt the other guy, it's to make life equal. Like I said, getting that question out there for your husband to consider how it must be when the table is turned is the only way he will appreciate your position. How that is done is something you arrive at, and becomes a part of the solution.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your responses.
I am 42, my husband 39 and the 'girlfriend' 35. It is my second marriage. I was very badly hurt in my first marriage with issues of trust and deceit which naturally makes me ultra suspicious. I am beginning to actively dislike my husband and anything nice I say now feels like play acting. I feel that i have been taken advantage of and used in some way although can't really put a finger on why I say that. I agree the best recourse is not to play but I actively dislike them for doing this to me. Feelings of revenge are creeping into my thought processes which I don't like. I think that I will give both of them a wide berth for a while until I can view the situation calmly and objectively.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (21 January 2010):
I just finished speaking with someone who had the same exact thing only it's a guy.
It's very normal to feel this way, have you been married before? has someone broken your heart in the past? the thing is he married you not her. If he wanted her do you think he wouldn't have married you? Is he that weak? No I do think so. You really need to calm down or it will damage your marrage/relationship. It's okay for him to have friends even if it hurts sometimes regardless of the past. He married you.
I'd try to spend more time with him I mean you guys got married so you are now one. Regardless of career or what why do this to your heart and happiness? Be happy and be together. You both are going to have to work at it.
Is there a significant age difference between you both?
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