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male
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*arco polo
writes: I'm in a relationship going on two months that's going great, except I've discovered a "quirk" that I'm afraid may be indicative of larger issues... My guy is concerned about cleanliness and hygiene to an extreme; that's ok, I appreciate those qualities, but he refuses to eat any foods made by people he doesn't know well, like pastries from my friends or neighbors, potluck dinners, food from coworkers. When food is presented as a gift, he accepts it, says thank you, then throws it all away. If asked by the food giver how he enjoyed it, he lies instead of hurting their feelings. He has no problem with eating at restaurants (he works in food service himself), but he thinks it's odd that I implicitly trust gifted food. To him, it's an "ick" factor, although he understands that his immune system could probably handle a licked finger in the cookie batter. By tossing it, I think he's undermining the kindness of the gesture by not trusting the giver. I would even prefer him to take one bite and then throwing away the rest, instead of the whole plate into the trash without ever passing his lips once. Is this a big red flag in our prospects as a couple?
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reader, marco polo +, writes (5 March 2006):
marco polo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciated Bev's answer... it's what I would have said if I were the listener.
He thinks his approach to cleanliness should be the norm; it's a virtue in his eyes, so he certainly would never see a mental health professional as you suggest since there's no problem from his point of view. The only problem would be if it causes a rift in our relationship, and so far it hasn't been that extreme. But it continues to bother me, and it's been another two months since my original post.
We were invited to a dinner party recently, buffet style, hosted by close friends of mine. He refused food the entire night, claiming he wasn't hungry. As soon as we left and were in the car, he asked to go get some pizza. I refrained from showing my disgust, but boy did that irritate me. Now I wonder if he'll eat my mother's food when he meets her, or how we'll handle dinner invitations in the future. I think it's rude, no matter how politely he turns the food down.
He heard on the news the other day that a recent study examined hundreds of hot tubs and found that 95% of them had traces of feces in the jets. So, of course, he will never set foot in another hot tub again. And I was looking forward to sharing one with him on our next vacation.
On balance, he has other qualities that I admire and love, and our sex life is surprisingly good (surprising in the sense that sex isn't the most pristinely clean activities at times), but his distrust of other people's hygiene continues to worry me, especially since we are now talking about finding a new apartment together. Sometimes I feel like some of his distrust might be mapped onto me. He doesn't call me dirty, but he'll make remarks like "did you wear that underwear yesterday?" that give me pause. I wonder if I'll feel at ease in my own home if and when we share one together.
He's a self-admitted "clutter nazi" and has strong opinions on how an interior should be arranged. Read: very sparse and empty, which I find sterile and boring. I'm a graphic designer with my own unique tastes, and I like having objects of meaning in my living space. Read: potentially busy and cluttered (although I keep a clean house). I'm bracing myself for disagreement and conflict when we do live together.
I feel I have a right to be concerned, but this issue is making me ambivalent whether living together is a good idea after all, whether it's in the near future or years down the road. I do want to live with the person I love. I don't want to feel like my life partner is constantly monitoring my cleanliness habits, and I certainly could never accept a sense of superiority on his part because of it. And I wonder if this is enough to question the relationship in general.
Thanks for reading all this.... I am truly on the fence and have never felt more conflicted. What do people think?
A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (2 January 2006):
 Dearie, my mum is like that really. she is so clean it used to drive me nuts but i am used to it now. when i think of her all i can see is cleaning, washing, scrubbing!!! she can washes her hands so many times a day. she said she developed this when whe was working as a scientist and looked up her hands under a high tech microscope and saw so many minute microbes the human eyes cant see.
Anyway, if u do love this guy then it wouldnt hurt to accept this. i usually dont eat food from everyone myself only those i trust enough.
All the best dear.
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A
female
reader, Angel Underneath +, writes (2 January 2006):
I wouldn't worry about it , if thats as far as the cleanliness thing extends then its no biggie. Maybe he's had really bad food poisoning in the past.
I think its sweet that he tells a white lie and says the food was nice. I would just accept this as one of his little quirks and love him for it
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (2 January 2006):
 Does he know how he developed this obsession? Is it really just about his health, or it is more about trusting people?
If he can't give you a clear, rational answer about it -- "I'm allergic to casein and I can't be sure that there wasn't milk in it." -- then I would worry that it could just be the tip of an iceberg.
This isn't to say that you couldn't learn to live with it, if he has other great qualities. You could most likely overlook it, if that's all there is. People have certainly tolerated worse from partners!
It's just that I see an eccentricity like this as possibly being the first in a whole spectrum of obsessions about food, cleanliness, trust and order, which might make life with him... less than fun. Being in a relationship with someone with an inexplicable compulsion can also affect the way you act, over time.
Give him more time and get to know him better. Find out if there's a medical basis to his concerns. If not, and you discover more idiosyncrasies, perhaps you should consider what your upper tolerance level is going to be, and whether he'd consider speaking to a mental health professional about where the problem came from.
The answers to those questions will help clarify what, if anything, you do.
Hope this helps a little.
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (2 January 2006):
hey there,
Well in a way I can see where your bf is coming from. I myself know, that when working in a particular industry, like food, that you get higher expectations as that is what you have to do, in the job, and it works it way into your life. You also see all the grose thigns that other people cna do with food and such. And it can quite turn you off eating other peoples food. I get that, yet I dont go to the 'exstremes' yoru man does.
Your question was, will thise cause any future problems, well, I think only you can really know the answer to that. I mean is it really such a big problem to you (and that is ok if it is) that you truly believe it will effect you? Does it really make you that anoyed and upset? If so then talk to him about it. Try to find a compromosie, or maybe you will just have to accept his values and expectations with food and hygene. Also perhaps ask him this 'if you eat this will it really kill you?' then if he says somethiuign liek it could make me really sick or whatever thne say 'well why are you letting me, the person you love, eat it?' or someting like that and see where that gets ya.
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