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female
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anonymous
writes: My man of eight and half years cheated on me 5 years ago. He has a child from this relationship who I have not seen since she was 1 yrs old. The other girl lives 20 minutes from us and I think they are still seeing each other. She is constantly around his family. I have expressed my concerns about the child coming into our home so she can know her brother and sister to him (always) and her (almost three years ago) and there has still not been any change. I fear that they are still intimate and that is why it only seems to bother me and not him. I am considering leaving him behind this because I can't find any peace with the situation. What do you think?
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (2 January 2006):
Hi there,
I understand how the thought that your bf may be cheating on you must be very very upsetting, plus alot more mixed emotions then just that, so you are considering leaving him.
I think that when the trust is broken and when someone can hurt you enough to cheat on you then the relationship should be ended generally, as it is very hard to work out and people often just put those feelings away and pretend it will all be out. You don't know for sure whether or not he has cheated, so I think you should try and get some more 'proof' or try to come at peace with the situation as it may not be true.
Firstly, I think you need to straight out ask your bf if he has been cheating on you, and/or if he does still have feelings for his ex.
If the answer is no, yet you still feel suspicous then...
Next you need ot thihnk about, is that the real issue? Do you really have a reason to be scared that he may be cheating on you? Or is it your insecurities that are getting to you? Do you suffer from low self esteem? Do you not believe you are a truly loveable person that someone would only want to be with you and just you?
Also, have you had any past experiences that may make you have troubles with trusting someone, for example, did your father cheat on your mum? have you been cheated on? has infidility been a big issue throughout your life to the people you love? I know that your bf cheated on you 5 years ago with the same girl, that must of been devestating for you, i am wondering how did you get through it and come to peace with it? I am wondering what made you get back together with him? what was his reaosn for cheating on you? because its one thing for him to say sorry and give u a reason, but to not actually come up with a way to deal with it is another. If say for example he cheated because he was unhappy in the relationship then I would of excpected that you both talked about ways to overcome that before even going back into the relationship.
I think those all questions you have to think about.
Or is it more that he is actually doing things that make you feel like hes cheating? Is it that he doesn't show you enough affection? He doesn't seem to love you? He is always dissapearing? Spending heaps of time with his ex? One idea that may put part of your mind at rest if it shoudl be, is perhaps talking to him about what he does wiht his ex. Ask what sorta things do they do, like just hang out or what and what do they talk about. Or maybe you should join in a get together with both of them one day.
Those are just some points to think about. In the end, I think you have to think hardly about whether or not you ever forgave him in the first place and could really live with it. I think that you are probably basing this all on, that he has cheated before and that trust hasnt been built up again, along side other parts of his behaviour making you feel suspicous.
I'm sorry if I haven't helped, but its vital that you figure out what is giving you this idea so you can make an accurate deicsion.
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