A
female
age
30-35,
*uddlybear
writes:Hello, I’m looking for some advice me and my husband have 3 children 8, 6 and 7 months and his parents and grandparents are very interfering, we live 5 mins away from them both, they constantly come around unannounced, which is frustrating as we don’t get much sleep and haven’t had time to do anything!! They will expect us to stop everything and sit in the living room while they gather round the baby like he’s Jesus and they’re the wise men! We get along fine, but we have had our ups and downs where they have over stepped the line telling us what we can and cannot do with our children/wedding/jobs, my husband hates them coming around but obviously it’s his family so we make an effort.However we both work and we hardly get much time with the kids as it is. They have asked to have a set day a week where they can have the baby and a set day they can have the other two, I understand they want to have time with them and that’s lovely and we do let them babysit a lot! As my eldest has a lot of hospital apt’s due to a rare condition, so they spend a lot of time with them.I don’t feel like having a fixed day a week where they can see themIs really realistic for us as we like to spend a lot of time together and have family time! They are our children not there’s and they always have to have their opinions on parenting shoved in our face This has caused arguments as they feel they are getting pushed out but I don’t feel like this is the case they spend a lot of time with them already and we invite them to days out etc but they’re just a bit too much. I know most people would love time to theirselves but I love being with my kids and enjoying all the memories they are just a bit too much.We’ve had a lot of arguments so we don’t know how to approach them about this and they get very annoyed, for example they will text me and my husband the same message and if we don’t reply or one of us replies we will get essays upon essays and phone calls, when in reality I was in the bath!!Am I being harsh? How can I make them understand?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2018): You're not being harsh, you're being a mother. You're an adult, and entitled to deciding who sees your children and when.
Your problem is a husband who prefers to stay in the neutral-zone; while you do all the bickering and fighting. If he truly stood-up to his folks, they'd pout and pull rank; but they would also back-down. My guess is he play-acts for both-sides. He's not your rock and anchor. He's a mama's boy! If you're not a team, and you're going at things unevenly; you'll see things turning-out exactly as you've described them. Bickering, pouting, lecturing; and being scolded or admonished like you were a child.
You are very young parents; and he comes from a close-nit, butt-in-ski, and intrusive-family. It's family-tradition. What they're doing for the kids; they see as being loving and doting grandparents. Never-mind the fact they show-up uninvited or expected; takeover your house and kids, and expect you to sit passively in a corner, and shut the hell up. Somehow I bet your husband says nothing; until you nag him into it. That, like I said, is an uneven approach to the problem.
No, they do not get to keep the kids once a week like court-ordered child-custody! They get to see them when it's convenient for you. Because you're their mama, and you say so! You get to overrule even your husband on this one!
However...know when you've got it good, kiddo! You've got to figure-out a way to make them happy, but gain control over your home and kids.
You can't always use muscle. Sometimes you have to be sweet and compromise with your in-laws. She's the dominant pushy type of mother-in-law; and used to bulldozing her way around your house. Using her son as her warrant to seize your property. I speculate that your husband puts on one face for you; probably goes back and apologizes. While he blames it all on you; acting like the nagged and bullied husband. Then for you, he yells into the phone, fakes an argument like he's taking your side; but probably winks and nods that it's just for your sake. He's the good-guy, and you're unreasonable and bitchy. Why else does it continue?
Gather everybody over the dinner table for good food and compromise. Let them know how much you appreciate their help; but you need some practice parenting, and time to bond with your babies. Then play your mama-card. Explain how protective you've become as a mother. How you'll fight tooth and nail for your kids. It's easy to say that; because it's true. Just tell them you feel it's easier on the kids when they know who they answer to; and you need to establish your authority in your own household. Hint...hint!
During your mama-speech; just look at hubby like you are not to be interrupted. Hold-up your hand to hush any responses until you're finished. Take authority. If he speaks, he will only try to neutralize your words for his mummy and daddy to be able to swallow them. Be respectful, but be firm.
MIL will definitely have a comeback and rebuttal; but stick to your guns. Show backbone, they already think you're a bitch. Bitch-mode is not appropriate in this situation. You have to show appreciation and respect. You love when they keep the kids, but you'll decide when and how long. Period!
As for showing-up unexpected. They live close-by. You'll have to save and move farther-away. Meanwhile; take advantage of the free daycare, and count your blessings. Tell your husband that you don't believe he's backing you up enough; and that's only making it more difficult to get along with his parents. Show some balls, and stop forcing you to handle the matter alone. Don't play on both-sides of the fence. He's not just a son, he's a husband and father.
The house belongs to both of you, not his parents. He's not mama and daddy's little boy anymore! He's your partner and equal. When it comes to running the household; all the world must view you two as the king and queen of the castle.
It's time to move, anyway you look at it. Until such time; girlfriend, you better count your blessings! Daycare and sitters get very expensive for young parents! It's different leaving your kids with creepy outsiders; and pretty teenage sitters eyeballing your hubby!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 July 2018):
 I think (if I were you) I'd find a good compromise.
I would find a day a week they can have the wee one and a day they have the other two. Now sometimes this might not work due to hospital visits but that all comes down to you.
If you "concede" to this weekly visit - maybe THEY can concede to not show up unannounced.
Personally, I ABSOLUTELY FREAKING HATE when people show up unannounced. It's rude and ill mannered. I am house proud and set in my ways and I like to KNOW if someone is stopping by. Even the kids' friends know to call first. I'll "feed and water" and even "entertain" guests WHEN I know they are stopping by. And no, I don't need HOURS of advanced notice but enough of a notice that I can say, not today, it's not a good day for a visit.
And by the way, WHY not ALSO set a day where it's JUST you, your husband and the kids? GET out of the house with the kids. Like every Saturday morning or afternoon. Doesn't have to cost a lot, can be a picnic in the park with a kite/ball or go see a museum or just for a walk in the woods/parks/beach/shopping center. OR you can stay home and bake/cook with the kids. IF the in-laws show up, DON'T DROP what you are doing. If they want to sit and dote on the little one, LET them. GO about your business! It's a subtle hint that unannounced visits might not BE convenient for you. When you CATER to them showing up, they basically "train" you to say "how high".
If you husband wants to entertain them, let him! You have other things to do.
My phone has the option to decline a call with a reply - like "I'm driving can't pick up the phone." Or a simple "not available right now" -if they don't respect that... put your phone on airplane mode or... simply SILENCE their number. They can write all the essays they want. LET THEM but do not let that determine that YOU have to pick up the phone.
BE a united front. TALK to your husband and AGREE on a set of rules so you BOTH stick to them.
As for all the "advice" they try and heap on you... just say, thanks for the advice but that is not what we CHOSE to do. If you two STAND united and don't make DRAMA out of what they say, the sooner (I think) they will come to the conclusion that it's easier to talk to a wall then get you two to do what they "think" you should do.
Pick your battles. Don't see them as rivals. They are family and want the best for you two. Maybe the way they go about isn't how YOU would do it.. but that is that.
Another thing you MIGHT want to consider is moving. Not so far that they can't see the kids, but "far" enough that they don't "pop round" constantly. As long as it is convenient for you, your husband, your jobs, hospital/doctors's office etc.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 July 2018):
 You can't stop them behaving as they see fit. Your strength lies in how you react to it.
Ignore the undesirable behaviour but reward desirable behaviour by being friendly. Walk away from behaviour which irritates you if you need to; they will soon get the message.
They are ENTITLED to their opinions. That does not, however, mean you and your husband have to agree with them or act on them. You need to present a united front and perhaps tell them this politely. Something along the lines of "We hear what you are saying, and we do agree with you to a degree, but it is not what WE want to do/envisage for our children".
Perhaps having set days to see the children could actually benefit you if the pay-off is that they don't come round unannounced at any other time. You need to negotiate with them about this. Tell them how much you value their involvement in your children's lives (many would envy you greatly) but that you also value spending quality time ALONE with your children.
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