A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I still love him and can’t move on.?We broke up after almost 2 years because I tolerated his abusive behaviour, emotionally and verbally. I broke up because I couldn’t take the nasty words and he said he wished I died. A week later he texts me saying he misses me and he can’t live without me. He texted me everyday for days about how he wants to talk to me. I never replied but I have the urge to. I do miss him and love him, part of me wants to go back. I don’t know how to move on. When I think about him with another woman I get paranoid.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 July 2018):
 Sweetheart you may have just had the luckiest escape of your life. There is nothing and I mean nothing worse than being with someone who abuses you. Abusers make you feel small, worthless, useless, unloved, unlovable and then you start questioning everything.
You have done the right thing in breaking up with him. Now you just have to be strong and make sure that he can't get back into your life. Block his numbers, block him on social media, tell people around you if he starts to harrass you and don't hesitate to call the cops on him if you so much as even get a hint that things are getting out of hand.
OP as someone quite a few years older to you, I can only tell you that don't ever be with a person who doesn't have a control over their anger and is abusive. You have no idea the damage that it will cause to you. You miss him now the way a kidnapped person misses their captor once they're free. It's called Stockholm syndrome. Don't give in to that instinct.
Who are you closest to? Your mom? Dad? Grandparents? Think about how that person would feel if they know that this is how their little girl being treated by some guy who is an absolute piece of shit.
OP you have to value yourself. You have to treat yourself with respect. Don't allow anyone to just walk over you, say terrible things to you and wish you dead. That is the worst thing a person can say.
Imagine how vicious the guy must be! Do you really see a future with him? Can you even think for a moment how it would be if you marry this guy? Have kids with him? Imagine a lifetime of abuse, sadness, despair, hopelessness and helplessness. Is that what you want?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2018): The heart does really weird things when you love the wrong people. It makes you only want to see the best in, and about them. It makes you forgive or overlook their cruelty and abuse. When you get the courage and strength to finally let them go; the heart makes you miss them, and want them back.
You have to learn to synchronize your heart and your mind. The heart doesn't always want what's best for you. It can be so tender, and so reckless. The mind struggles in the background trying so hard to make sense of a mess; but the heart is too stubborn. It wants its way, even if it destroys you!
Love is meant to be given with trust, to those who earn and deserve it. In turn, it is to be reciprocated with the same kindness, care, and generosity as it is given. It is not exchanged for abuse. That's not love, that's ownership and control over another person's emotions.
Learn the difference.
Stick to your guns, sweetheart. He has to learn that you can't abuse people; and expect to continue to receive their unconditional-love. As long as he can, he will never change. He will get even worse. He learned his ways from his father.
He's given permission to abuse women by a male-dominated culture, and outdated-traditions. He is protected by a double-standard. His abuse is seen as showing his male-dominance. You're not going to be that kind of woman. To allow men to abuse you.
He has to learn how to treat women. If you weaken and take him back, he sees that as his power over you. You best remind yourself of why you had to let him go. Use your mind and reason to guard your tender little heart. It needs protection. It's broken because of him. Let him back in, and not only will he break your heart again; he will also destroy your mind.
Don't get into the cycle that overtakes women who are victims of domestic-violence and abuse from men. They take them back; and blame themselves when he says horrid things, or raises his hand to them. Guys like that will eventually hit you! They're always so sorry for what they do; but do it again and again! They always love you, and miss you. Then once you take them back; it starts all over again. Once is weakness, it's from the heart. Twice or thrice, is just stupid! It's ignoring common-sense; and exposing heart, mind, and body to danger.
Feeling grief and loss is what you feel. Missing the times when he was good to you. You tried your best to convince yourself everything he said and did was okay; because you love him. If he really loved you, he wouldn't have spoken to you in the way that he did. He kept it up, until you couldn't take it anymore.
If you keep letting your heart make you ignore when guys abuse you; they'll damage your mind. You'll begin to believe all you deserve are men who treat you like he did. Your heart will become numb, you'll become a zombie; and you will have one bad relationship after another. That's what happens to women who don't sync the mind and heart; to both think and feel. Don't just feel! Make sure the relationship is good, and is truly what you think and want it to be. Not what the heart pretends or imagines it to be.
Be able to recognize when you are in a toxic-relationship; to be able to get out of it, before you wreck yourself.
You have to know your worth; don't devalue yourself by being submissive to boys/men who treat you badly. Verbal-abuse is equal to, and a prelude to, physical-abuse. Those devils tell you how they love you; because you listen with your heart, but you don't use your mind to see the whole picture.
Convince yourself, beyond the shadow of a doubt; that men who love and respect you, will not purposely and repeatedly hurt and abuse you.
Stay no-contact, and block his phone. Delete and block him from social media. You miss the guy he used to be. You broke-up with the guy that he is now. That hasn't changed! When you give-in out of weakness; he realizes he can own you like property, manipulate you, and treat you any which-way. He can't bask in your unconditional-love; and still talk to you like you're garbage. If you love somebody, why would you tell them you wish they were dead? Use your mind, not just your heart. Your heart is foolish when it's working alone.
You will heal. It takes a little time, but you'll get-over him. It helps when you disconnect and block all means of contact. Leaving him an opening is showing weakness; and giving him power over your mind, heart, and your feelings. He will exploit it. That's what weak and foolish women do. They never see true happiness; because they never learn. They let their hearts rule, without using their mind.
You also have to be tough, and protect your tender heart. He stomped on it way too many times in the past; to be dumb enough to let him do it again. You deserve and will find better. Take a break and heal yourself, my dear!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 July 2018):
 First thing you need to do is define what was good about this guy. Then the bad things. Now we all have good points and bad, but... ABUSIVE? NAME-CALLING? WISHING YOU DEAD? Not acceptable.
I bet YOU wouldn't do THAT to someone else. I bet your brother/father/uncle/male friend wouldn't either. Because it's NOT acceptable behavior. Not for a man OR a woman.
Second thing you need to do is CUT all contact. BLOCK his number, get a new number, block, unfriend, delete whatever it takes to REMOVE his INFLUENCE on you.
IT IS easy to say nice things over text.
I could for instance tell you that you are the sunshine of my life! Doesn't mean what I am saying is something I mean or feel. It might just be said to make you "think" that this is how I feel.
(Now, I'm sure you ARE a ray of sunshine but you get my point, I hope).
WORDS are empty if not backed up with actions.
He is TYPING all the things he think you want to hear. All the things to make you DOUBT yourself and what he did to you. Doesn't make them true. They are after all JUST words.
He can live JUST fine without, you and you without him.
What he might not WANT to do is let you move on to a BETTER guy. A healthier relationship. A worthy man.
So out comes all these TRITE half-ass romantic things, like I can't live without you, I want to see you, talk to you... NO, what he wants is CONTROL back over you so he can abuse you some more and make you feel small and insignificant.
He is an ex for a reason. Because he is a SHIT person who doesn't want to treat a GF right. You see... IT IS A CHOICE how you treat others. He CHOSE to treat you with contempt and hate. THAT is not love or care.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. that is love, respect and care. But that also means that if OTHERS (such as a BF) treats you badly you WALK away. Because YOU deserve better, Sunshine.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (17 July 2018):
 What do you love? Give us a few things you love about him.
His insults? Wishes of death upon you? He sounds like a real catch. Do you think this is all you deserve? Really? Do you think this is what love is? That you abuse your partner until their confidence is so low that they believe that this behaviour is normal?
The guy is a piece of shit. The absolute lowest of the low. This guy is awful for you, this isn’t love. This is him shattering your confidence to a point where you believe you can’t do any better that him. He is doing this to manipulate and use you to do whatever he wants. He doesn’t love you. You don’t treat your partner like this if you do.
You are better off without him and if you believe you’re not then I’m not sure what to say to you. He is a loser and will do this to countless amounts of women. Be glad that you’re free of it. Block his number and his social media accounts. Move forwards and find someone that actually loves you and that you love also.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 July 2018):
 It is hard when you are still in love with someone, we tend to remember the good times when we miss someone and the bad times go to the back off our mind! You tolerated this man being abusive and that is not okay. The longer someone is abusive the more we feel that we are worthless and don't deserve better which is the absolute opposite off how you should feel! You should want to be with someone who loves and cherishes you and who would never put you down or say a bad word against you. If you truly love someone you would never wish them dead! That is just horrible and cruel! Sweetie he cannot live without you not because he loves you but probably because he knows you take his abuse while a lot of others wouldn't. Don't be that woman who chooses an abusive relationship and in years down the line not even recognize who you are any more or have no confidence in yourself. Your life should be more about love and affection. Please love yourself and do what is right to have a long and happy future. I am sure he has done some damage already in the two years he has spent with you, it is probably the reason why you are even considering giving him another chance. Don't give him the chance to talk to you, block him from contacting you. He will only feed you a load of lies about how he loves you and things will change, but believe me this is who he is and he will not change. It is understandable that you would want to reply, but sweetie you are being so strong by not replying. You have more strength than you know. You should be proud off yourself for making this decision. Off course you miss him, two years is a long time and you need to grieve that relationship, but you also need to be thankful you got away from the abuse. Have you friends and family that know what you have been through? You need people to support you here and remind you why you shouldn't take him back. It is hard to move on, but you are already doing a great job not responding to his messages. What you need to do now is block him and talk to people you are closest to. You need the support from people who love and care for you. Nobody wants to think of an ex partner with another woman, lucky for you if he does manage to find another woman to abuse, you will be free off it. You need to keep yourself busy and distracted. If you feel like contacting him then contact a friend for support. If you feel you are sitting thinking about him then distract yourself by doing an activity or hobby that you enjoy doing. I promise it does get easier, and when this dark cloud lifts you will be so thankful that you stayed strong and you will see things so much more clearer.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 July 2018):
 I suspect it is still early days for you. You need to give yourself time to move on.
When you feel the urge to contact him, remind yourself how he made you FEEL when he was abusive. We forget what people said or did, but we never forget how they made us feel. He obviously made you feel bad enough for you to finish the relationship - for which, big WELL DONE.
He will not miraculously change so, when you think about him with another woman, feel pity for her as SHE will be getting the abuse formerly dealt out to YOU.
You know you are worth better than this. Don't give in. Don't contact him. Take it a day at a time if you need to. Tell yourself each morning "Just for today, I will not contact him and I will try to think about him a little less than yesterday". Gradually it WILL get easier. You need to love YOURSELF enough not to allow someone to treat you in this way.
When you have got over this man, I hope you find someone who treats you as you deserve and who makes you happy. It is what you deserve.
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