A
female
age
51-59,
*albtur5
writes:Hello guys.Not sure how to deal with this problem involving my husband and his ex.On Friday afternoon, his ex had come to our house, I didn't recognize the woman asking for him, she said she hadn't seen him since 1995, and wanted to talk to him about something. She said she knew him from college.She said she'd drove 90 miles across the state line for this and found his address online via a phone book!I let her in, thinking, it must be something important, a medical issue, IDK what, after I'd asked my husband about her. I then left them to discuss it in the kitchen and watched something on TV; whatever it was, it wasn't my business. I didn't get involved because she'd said explicitly it wasn't involving me, just him.But it got worse, I heard them arguing a lot and a "I'll never leave my wife for you!" shouted by my husband.He told me after she'd been here, for an hour.Then he explained, he'd dated her for a year in 1995, when he was 23 and she was 24, and the last time he ever saw her was 17 November 1995 at a party (he actually still has the photo with that date on it! But for him, that 1995 costume party was still a good memory of his twenties that's why he has the photos, not because him and his ex are in them.).Me and my husband didn't meet until July 1998, when I was 27 and he was 26, and we got married 18 months later in January 2000, our honeymoon didn't happen until August 2000. That's a compressed timeline of things.But then the kicker came; his ex had kept insisting he leave me and our daughter for her. He kept telling her no, but she's kept insisting.My husband told me about this an hour after she'd gone.Since then, he's had email after email, message after message on Facebook wanting him to leave. He's blocked her on Facebook, but she's kept coming back with same-name new accounts. Surely you'd be banned from Facebook for doing that?But my husband won't leave and she can't accept that.He's fearful she may come back and still insist he leave me for her. He's not interested in getting back with her.My husband told me the break-up wasn't a bad break-up, they just ended it because he'd moved at the time after the party, got a new place before Christmas. Sure, it wasn't a great apartment, but it was good.Why would an ex from over 20 years ago come back and want to carry on where they left off?Is it unusual for an ex from years ago to want to carry on where they left off and not care about the consequences of their affair, or at least in my case?How should I deal with this? Or rather my husband, who seems worried his ex may come back again.I'm looking for advice, no matter who it's from.
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affair, christmas, facebook, his ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2022): Everyone should be in their late 50's or early 60's by now!
Isn't it evident this woman is mentally-ill? Change your phone numbers. As soon as you see something from her, block it!
If she shows-up at your door uninvited, don't open the door; just call the police, and file a complaint. It is almost certain she will misbehave in their presence and prove there's something wrong with her. It is likely they'll haul her away for trespassing or disturbing the peace.
She must have a job somewhere and people who care about her. It might be helpful to contact her family; and let them know she may require a psychiatric-evaluation, or hospitalization. Otherwise; you and your husband are going to file charges for stalking and harassment.
Meanwhile, get a lawyer. Maybe a lot more will come to light; than what shows on the surface. If your husband seems hesitant to take these measures, assume he knows more than he's telling. Without evidence, don't jump to any conclusions; but if he doesn't want to do whatever it takes to make it stop, he'll have some explaining to do.
She still seems to think it's 1995, and probably needs to seek mental-health counseling and psychotherapy. My layman's guess is that she is probably suffering from bipolar schizophrenia. Her behavior is like someone who went-off her meds. This whole ordeal is totally bizarre. It's not unrequited love she's suffering, it's probably some form of mental-illness.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (20 April 2022):
 Hmmm, there's a lot in your post which makes me wonder "really"? If something doesn't sound quite right, then it usually isn't quite right. My gut tells me there is more to this story than your husband is sharing with you. It would be very unusual indeed for someone who had had no contact for 20 years to suddenly turn up and make the demands his ex is making without any encouragement from the other party. Not impossible, just very unusual. I can't help but wonder what HER version of the story is and how much resemblance it bears to your husband's version.
If your husband really wants to stop her contacting him via Facebook, it is easy enough to lock down his account so only friends can see his profile. That way she cannot contact him because she cannot see him. It is also easy enough to lock down who is allowed to message you (e.g. friends only, or friends and friend of friends). Blocking only works if the person making contact don't open a new account, as you have learned. Email addresses can be blocked too. If he doesn't reply to the emails, she has no way of knowing whether he has even received them. New email addresses can be set up and old ones left dormant. If she turns up at your house again, do NOT let her past the door. If she makes a scene, call the police.
I wonder, why your husband didn't call you into the room when she was at the house and show a united front? Was he (perhaps) afraid of what she might say to you?
Sorry, but I can't help but suspect he is paying lip service to keeping her away while not really doing much about it.
In your shoes I would be getting a solicitor to send her a letter, warning her that her actions are inappropriate and unwelcome and that, if they continue, you (i.e. you and your husband) will consider taking out a restraining order.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2022):
 Yep to everything Miss Rita said :)
Seek legal advice. See if you can get a restraining order of some kind. (which might be hard but worth a try).
Sounds like she is fixated on "The One that got away" (your husband). And that turned into online stalking and then to showing up at your house.
This sounds really like the beginning of some True Crime story.
Y'all need to get cameras and a decent security system. Seriously.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (20 April 2022):
Well people won't be banned from Facebook unless somebody actually complains to them.
Seek legal advice for getting a restraining order which includes internet communications as well as contact in person.
There's not much else you can do for someone who insists on maintaining contact.
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