A
female
age
41-50,
*mgfrazzled
writes:The man I've been with for over 4 years has an ex that has a severe jealousy issue. She has hated everyone hes ever dated and hates me even more. This woman is in law enforcement and yet commits/gets away with some of the most unbelieveable things. She has spent nearly a lifetime stealing money from her mother, aunt, and anyone who has ever cared about her. My husband (her ex) would send her money via Western Union for the children, and she then went to Social Services and claimed that she hadd no idea where he was and received TANF (welfare check);Of course they came after him with a warrant and a garnishment on his income taxes. He didnt press charges on her becasue back then they were "trying" to work things out.(WHATEVER!) She has gotten "loans" from inmates at the jail she works at, stole her mothers and aunt's stimulus checks, cashed them and spent them, and then admited it to her mom only after her mom said she was going to call the IRS to see where her check was. Her youngest son and oldest son approached their father and me to tell us that she dopes up the kids on NyQuil/cough syrup so she can sleep. When her work shift allows, she let them stay up until 5 am (they're only 9 and 5). When the kids came to visit our house we caught the 5 year old climbing on the counter trying to put a bowl of waer in the microwave to make Ramen noodles. We chastized him immediatley and asked him whatmade him think that was acceptable. He and his other brother said, "Mom makes him cook his own meals sometimes when hes too tired." (He's only 5 for crying out loud). I asked social services about the Nyquil situation -it bothered me, because the 5 year old still cant tie his shoes, write his name, doesnt know what common vegetables are (broccolli, asparagus, beets,) -things you learn in Kindergarten! My 4 year old weighs more then he does. I guess when you've been fed a diet of happy meals since youve been on solid foods, that may happen. When he came here he damn near refused to eat the healthy, flavorful meals I cooked. We had to force him to sit and eat. Mentally, he shows signs of being a little "slow" for his age. I didnt have her address or any info on her, but wanted to talk to a social worker our of concern. Now, they found her address and confronted her, interviewed the family and closed the case. I couldnt believe it! The kids admitted it to us! We never asked them - didnt question them one bit. The approachd us and told us everything. How does she get away with these things? She contacted my husband and said she didnt know, but she thinks I called social services on her. Shes threated to take me to court for filing a false report if she finds out its me. She said that social services told her that it was a female that reported her, bu didnt divulge the name. Why would they do that!!! Here's the thing, Ive seen her give the kids Nyquil myself...at first assuming they had a cold or allergy symptoms, etc, but she told me, "Whoo that should put them RIGHT out! Then I can finally get some peace." This woman knows shes guilty yet she wants to play with fire and play the victim role and look to press charges?? WTF? Now, heres another twist she's now married to the guy she cheated on my husband with (when they were together) and she and her new hubby have 2 kids -yet she is still FURIOUS about our realtionship. Now Im concerned about when she finds out that we're married and there's a baby on the way. I feel like shes going to have a fit. I shouldnt care, but I just dont know what to do. She makes life uncomfortable and after everything Ive described above, how can she get away with all of these behaviours? She cheated on him with her current husband, had other children and now she hates me?? Again, WTF? How do I cope with this? My husband defended me, but he says that he cant allow himself to get too angry because if he does then his temper will flare and it will get ugly. What do I do??
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (7 April 2010):
 No need to be concerned. In her world, her ex is supposed to love her forever and be miserable without her. The fact that he is married AND having a new baby means that he has truly moved on, and the fact that he's not miserable is too much for her ego to take.
A
female
reader, omgfrazzled +, writes (6 April 2010):
omgfrazzled is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, here's some new developments in my "Crazy Ex" situation. My husband's ex girlfriend (who's also mother of his 3 boys)just found out we are officially married and are expecting our first baby. She literally did a double take when she saw my belly and nearly froze when she was told we were married. To add the icing to the cake, she nearly lost her lunch when she found out it was a girl!! ( When they were together they had wanted a girl but never had one). She tried to play it off by congratulating us profusely- It was a bit uncomfortable because she always been furious about our relationship; So I know that her "enthusiasm" was a front for how she really felt. I guess I'm trying to figure out why after all these years, she still feels anything about what her ex (my husband) does? I personally dont care about my ex, who he dates and what he does, as long as it doesn't affect our kids negatively. I have no hate or jealousy- I simply dont think about him at all... so, I guess I'm missing something here- as to why she feels anything, or why our lives bother her so much? She moved on by cheating on my husband while they were together (he was out of town) and getting into a serious relationship with this new man, marrying him, and having 2 more kids with him. I guess I'm wondering if my husband is saying or doing (or has said anything) in the past that assist her in feeling this way - or is she just nutty? Matters of the heart are a funny thing - knowing that they were together since high school and off and on for 12 years, makes me feel a little intimidated. ( We've been together 5 years) - I know that those "first loves" can be hard to shake. I guess I want to avoid making any mistakes by over reacting to any given situation or having my pregnant hormone ridden imagination run away with me- but I also want to protect my heart and emotions and family as well. I look forward to your positive feedback!! Thanks!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 December 2009):
 As much as it sucks to have to deal with an EX ( trust me I know) - I have found that it is better for HIM to deal with HIS EX, then you try and get in the middle. THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS. It will only make you look the crazy one when you point out all the faults of the EX. Easier and better, to tell your man that SHE is HIS to deal with, you are sick of her drama and from now on SHE is HIS headache.
As far as the kids, you would think any parent would want to help them as best as they can. If they again tell YOU any information ( like the giving them medicine to quiet them, have them repeat it to their DAD maybe, just maybe he will grow a spine and do something.
If you LET the ex have so much power over you, she will ruin your relationship. I understand with ALL my heart that you want to help the kids, any decent woman would, the thing is, they are their kids. You have done what you could. NOW it should be up to them. I would still love them and do the best as you can for them, but their mama and her drama.... I would turn my back on it.
I have had to deal with an EX who wanted the boy on Ritalin( ADD meds) (Because she didn't want to deal with him after school basically) the school didn't think it was needed, hubby and I didn't either. She blew up on me over this and verbally abused me til I hung up the phone.. I haven't talked much to her in 3 years. I kill with kindness.. or just plain ignore her.
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A
female
reader, omgfrazzled +, writes (6 December 2009):
omgfrazzled is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIs there anything I can do to help him understand how important it is to be assertive? I find it better not to "play her games" or to tell her what she wants to hear. When she falsley accused me to him that she thought I was the one who called Social Services, she told him, "Dont tell her I said this cause I still dont know if it was her for sure." (OMG - this shows that she thinks that shes the one in control and that she the one important in his life.) He told her, "No, I wont tell her" - but of course immediatley told me everything. I was frustruated that he didnt just "man up" and tell her, "C'mon, you cant expect me not to tell her." His response was, "She KNOWS Im going to tell you, thats why she said that." -Guys, either Im getting upset over nothing, or he just doesnt GET IT! STOP PLAYING HER FRIKIN GAME!!!! This is going to be a problem as long as you ALLOW it. Please, I dont want to yell and scream at him, but I just cant think of a productive way to get it thru to him how important it is to not always run from problems. He needs to stop being a people pleaser.
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A
female
reader, omgfrazzled +, writes (4 December 2009):
omgfrazzled is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thank you again for your reply. As you may be able to tell, Im much more assertive than he is. I tend to deal with issues when they arise instead of letting them fester. His philosophy in this matter is that this is just the tip of the ice berg. Once she finds out that he married me and that there's a baby on the way, shes going to loose her mind and really kick up the drama. She thinks that he is HERS because they have kids together. This is why she told him recently by saying, " Wll if you ever want to talk, you can call me." WTF! Thats what Im here for, not you, bitch! (is what I'd like to say)He thinks that we should use this as an opportunity to basically allow her to dig her own hole - let her try to cause the drama, which everyone including her husband will see, and then slam her in front of her husband with all of the info he doesnt know about her; ie, everythingI wtote in my original post, plus how shes told her 13 yr old son she will probably leave her husband in the future, and how she has called my husband to complain about what her's isnt doing at home. I also have pulled up about 11+ years of court documents regarding thousands of dollars in bounced checks, and how her paycheck has been garnished for the past 3 years non-stop. Her son told us she hides money from her husband and still steals it from her mom's purse. He wants to wait for what he calls the "right time" thinking that will shut her up in her tracks. -
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 December 2009):
You did do the right thing by contacting Social Services, no doubt. If it hurt her feelings, screw it. It is not about her ( well not mainly) it is about the kids.
One thing I forgot to add is, I think you need to sit your husband down, he needs to stop enabling her. ( Like he did with the money he sent her, he should have reported it right away.) He needs to step up, not let you do it all.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (4 December 2009):
With all of this going on, why hasn't your husband tried to get custody of his kids? If she's as bad as you say she is, it's time to step up and get those kids out of that situation.
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A
female
reader, omgfrazzled +, writes (4 December 2009):
omgfrazzled is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to say thank you for your responses. Sometimes when things seem crazy and that you've lost control, it helps to hear a word from the "logical side." I felt I was right in being concerned about the kids, but when someone becomes visious as she has about it and it made me feel threatened, as if maybe I should have said nothing. I mean afterall, Social Services was bamboozled by her too. I realized though, that of course shes going to be mad. She's jealous and wants to make my husband feel like Im causing a rift in their "parenting" relationship, hoping it will cause him to be angry with me. Looking back, I did what I felt was right at the time. No mater how anyone responds to that, in the end she's still wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 December 2009):
I would seek custody before she totally screw these kids up.
You need to let your husband deal with her, she is HIS ex.
As far as her "knowing" it was you calling and the Social Services saying it was a woman, I call bullshit on her. They would not say it was a man or a woman calling. Ever, they can get fired over a lot less then that. She thinks it is you and nothing you can say or do will change her mind. She thinks it is you because she wants to find faults with you.
I would try and find a counselor to talk to the kids get them evaluated before your sue for custody. If a 5 year old is cooking his own meals because his mom can't be bothered there are most likely way worse issues going on with neglect.
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