A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently caught my husband of 21 years, posting profiles on dating sites. He stated that he received no love or attention from me and was looking for someone in our area for "discreet sex". I confronted him with the copies that I had printed of the sites that I saw. (I was checking his email for a forward that I wanted to make sure went through to him for his business)His first response was denial, he looked at a site one day when he was lonely, but he didn't have a profile. I showed him the paper of one, and he admitted that he posted it. He promised me that it was a lonely day and we had been arguing. He said that he wasn't really seriously looking. I showed him another site that I had found in his spam folder.(I went looking for more after finding the first) He said that he didn't remember doing that one. A few days later, I saw a response on his My Yahoo page that a woman had responded to his profile on yet another (third) date link site. I logged in to that profile and saw that the profile had been created two months before. This time when I confronted him. I told him that it was over. We don't have any extra money, and neither of us has anywhere to go, so I told him that he could stay in the house with me and our children, 14, 18, and our 1 year old grandson. We have been trying to get along, but also trying to work it out. He has an addictive personality and has been seeing a counselor, going to church (for the first time ever) and seeing the pastor for extra counseling. He says that he genuinely wants to change. After almost four months, I still don't know if I can ever trust him again. I don't want to let my guard down and give him the chance to hurt me again. I haven't cried in almost four months. I feel like an android with no feelings. I used to cry over silly hallmark commercials, or sad movies and love stories. We have had tons of small fights over the years where we talked about divorce, but we had never really split up. He had been complaining that he needed more affection than he was getting. I tried to be more physical with the hugs, and touching, but I work 4am shift and I have an auto-immune disease that makes me really tired. I couldn't keep up with his needs. I just don't know if I want to keep putting so much effort in to this marriage. His counselor tells him if I let him stay and we have been having sex, the marriage is far from over. Hearing that makes him think that I'm just being stubborn with forgiving him. He also thinks that what he did was a cry for help, and he never physically cheated on me, so why can't I just forgive and forget. I was trying to be a good person and keep it together for the kids' sake. I'm sorry that this is so long, but I want you to understand everything before you answer me.*Why is it so hard to keep a marriage together?*Have we been grasping at straws trying to fix our marriage? *Were we wrong to try to continue living together?*How do you divorce someone when you can't trust them, but still love them enough to care what happens to them?*Am I just allowing myself to be used like a doormat?
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cheated on me, divorce, money, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): It is cheating(or attempting to),lying and disrespect. How would he react if you did it? I understand your situation. I think his cry for help excuse is pathetic. A step away from blaming you for his choice to go there. Everyone should get a chance. If you find any further activity on those sites from this day onwards then kick his ass out of your life.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): Guys sometimes do it for kicks. Sorta like women sometimes want to dress up a bit to see if other males still check her out.
not saying that this is the case but that's not uncommon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): I think that this is not a 'href="http://marriageafterinfidelity.net"infidelity/' but it getting close to it.He is obviously lying and is ashamed of his actions but I think this comes down to the critical point of are you compatible and do YOU want to have this man as your partner if he did completely stop his actions.However I learned that you also must accept some of the blame yourself. I don't know your situation but is your job more important than your marriage? If your shifts are causing this pressure and getting a more flexible job would solve some of these issues of intimacy which is more important to you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): OH NO, anon person. SHE did not cheat first. you really are messed up yourself if this is how you read the OP'S situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): I agree with the above poster on most points. Not all. For ex; not all men crave excitement. I for example, don't. I don't need a constant change or thrill to be happy. It truely hurts to be on your end of the situation. I have been there. My fiancé met with an ex boyfriend to have lunch and didn't tell me about it because she knew I believe seeing old flames can only cause trouble. At least your husband didn't physically meet with these women. But just the fact it was attempted after having kids, years of marriage. It's hard and hurtful for you to go through.I'm going to give you a different perspective. I'm not siding with anyone but want you to see things on the other end. I am 24 years old. My fiancé is 26. I love her more than I can describe with words. But even now, we have been living together for about a year now; I find myself not getting bored, but I find her not showing any affection to me. I don't mean sex, the sex life is great; I mean affection, caring, appreciation, anything that shows me that she needs me. As a man, she needs me. Two weeks ago I joined a site where people to to have affairs. Why? I don't know. I think if I ever got the chance I would never do it. I have never cheated in my life, ever. I think you are disrespecting yourself and your partner if you cheat; but I joined. I guess because if someone ever did email me I would feel like they needed me, or I could be of value to someone. As far as my fiancé goes, she just says things like, "you know I love you." If I did this after such little time, it's amazing he waited so long.Anyway, long story short. He didn't cheat. He is doing things he never would do to show you how sorry he is; and is willing to work hard to prove his devotion to you. It will take time for you to trust him again, but you will. You know you still love him, and he still loves you. If not, he wouldn't be trying right now. There's a difference between being a doormat and being smart. P.S. It's difficult to find fault in yourself when your partner did such a bad thing, but I feel like you explained away your rationale for not being affectionate too easily. In reality, it doesn't take too much effort to be loving. Same goes for him though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2010): YOU cheated first by closing him off, depriving him of the things he needs.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (11 January 2010):
Wow. I truly understand what you are going through. Being betrayed and deceived like this you start to ask yourself if you ever really knew him and if the relationship all these years has been one big lie. In answer to your questions:
The more people in a marriage are no longer taking time to give their partner some affection, the harder it is to keep the marriage together. Men in relationships are primarily validated by sex and women are primarily validated by affection and attention. So you have to give each other these things to stay connected. But if the guy is an ass, often there is no amount of sex you can give him to keep him faithful. Men often also seek excitement and if the home life has become routine and boring, they will often seek the thrill elsewhere. Disgusting but true.
You are never wrong to try and fix a marriage. Its always a mistake to break up without trying to seek counseling and reconciliation.
Its very hard to try and divorce someone you still care for. It preferably calls for an interim solution of being on separation for a period of time to see if you really want to be apart from them. Each party living on their own separately, to see if that is what you both want. A divorce is a last resort.
You are not a doormat, you seem to have done all you can to fix the problems. If you have chosen to work on your marriage after infidelity then that comes with a decision on your part too. He is seeking counseling and has promised to change. You have to eventually also come on board and realise that he has suffered enough for what he did. If he is genuinely remorseful then allow him in a little. You will ofcourse continue to occasionally have bad days where you remember how he hurt you but don't allow yourself to rage for long. Perhaps your forgiveness will be the catalyst to finally having a good marriage. Its sad that he did this to you, but for your own happiness you have to slowly start allowing yourself to let it go if you have decided to stay in the marriage. Perhaps also spend time talking to other women survivors of cheaters to help you during your worst days. Forgivng him does not make what he did ok. If anything he will be grateful you have given him another chance.
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