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female
,
anonymous
writes: Husband has internet friendship with female -I am very confused about his new friend he has found in a chat room. He says he has the right to have any friend he wants including a female who is single. He says it is nothing and he is just a chat friend. He tells me it is nothing, but when I ask to see the IM's on messenger he doesn't let me. He then wakes me up at 2:00 AM because the computer went down, and I fix it and there she is looking for him. I say, hey great, let's talk to her, I want to meet your friend. He gets upset and says no, it is none of my business. I leave, and he wakes me up and says, ok, come see what we are chatting about. I don't go out right away, but do a later and he closes the screen. I say, hey OK, I'll see what you guys talk about since it is nothing and then maybe I won't be so upset. He says no, yells at me, says I am just checking up on him and I don't have that right. She is just a friend and he isn't doing anything. I say, OK, then let me see, he yells some more. I leave and take a ride. When I come home he tells me he told his "Friend" that I left and I upset her. I tried to talk with him, but he just kept chatting with her and not listening to me. It had now been three hours that he was talking with her. Then he says ok, you can talk to her. He types in that I am there and she says hello, he stands over me and says don't say anything mean, don't embarrass me. I wasn't I was just saying hello, he then makes me get off. I do, she leaves and we have a big fight about this. I told him, I did not like it at all, and he said I am just controlling, and jealous. He says you saw what we were saying - I never did, just the two minutes I said hello - He was upset at me because he said, she probably won't talk to him anymore because of me. I didn't do anything. He says there is nothing to worry about she lives in another country. I told him, that he seems obsessed already, and it has only been one week. He tells me he feels caged and it is unfair and totally ridiculous that he cannot have a female friend to talk to. I told him, I wouldn't care, if he would show me what they were saying. He said, no it is private and he has that right. Please help, I have tried to explain how this is not a good thing. Now I am between a rock and a hard place, if he continues this chat with this single woman, it hurts me and I just want to die, if he stops because I want him to, he already has told me he resents me. What can I do. Please be aware, this is ripping me apart, as just two years ago, he had an emotional affair with a co-worker, that nearly destroyed me. I am sick and stressed and just ready to die. Please help me. What can I do. He sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. Am I wrong, am I just overly jealous, I want to know the truth, if I am, I will get some help.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 July 2008):
 I'm sorry, Hun. A "friend" is someone that you go bowling with, that you can bring home, that you can introduce to the wife and kids. This is obviously not a friend. I'm sorry, but I think you are doing the right thing and that your counselor is helping you to see that you just can't change him. Best of Luck, Dear. If he feels "caged", he shouldn't have gotten married and he isn't going to be any better in his next relationship. He has issues that you can't fix. XXX
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (18 July 2008):
I'm sorry, Hun. A "friend" is someone that you go bowling with, that you can bring home, that you can introduce to the wife and kids. This is obviously not a friend. I'm sorry, but I think you are doing the right thing and that your counselor is helping you to see that you just can't change him. Best of Luck, Dear. If he feels "caged", he shouldn't have gotten married and he isn't going to be any better in his next relationship. He has issues that you can't fix. XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers. I know this is a terrible thing, as the pain is tremendous. I have tried to talk with him reasonably and tell him how it hurts. He even read your answers, but will not move on this. He says he will not give up his right to have friends of his choice, as he feels caged. Both myself and our marriage counselor have told him, if we cannot come to some kind of agreement here, it looks like we will have to split. He still stands his ground telling me I will not get what I want. I am supposed to just accept it. He said the more I talk about it the more he wants to talk to her. Then he says he loves me and I am the best thing in his life. Funny, he will throw me away for some words and a picture on a screen. Guess he doesn't know what love really is after all. Just self love. I know I need move on and find happiness on my own. It will be very hard, as I love this man with every bit of me. I will take steps to leave the hurt. Thanks to all of you!!!
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A
male
reader, buster  +, writes (16 July 2008):
Hi........ you are definetely in the right here!
You have every right to be suspicious because of your husbands suspicious behaviour! Being deceitful breeds yet more deceit....
It is a hard situation because admittedly it is 'only' chat but the real issue is how it makes you feel.
You should tell your husband how him chatting to another woman makes you feel, if you dont think you can do this without causing a fight...write him a letter telling him exactly what your feelings are and how painful it is.....he cant argue with a letter(hopefully!)
I would have thought that because of the previous emotional affair he would try extra hard to be open and honest with you!
If there is nothing to hide ask him to chat while your there.. he has created a rod for his own back by having a previous emotional affair!
He may accuse you of being jealous and controlling and possibly to a small extent he may be right.... but thats his job to prove there is nothing to it by being more open.
He certainly seems very inconsiderate....... unfortunately this is a trait of many men!
The best thing you can do for now is put your feelings down on paper and give it to him.......the way he reacts to them may tell you where you future lies.
Finally, if your stressed go to a counsellor and talk.... a problem shared is a problem halved!...It will definetely help you............good luck!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (16 July 2008):
Honey,
Pack your bags.
He doesn't have a clue what he is talking about. Of course he is wrong. Husbands are not supposed to have emotional affairs with coworkers or internet single women. He is confusing his right to privacy with his right to lie and cheat. Emotional cheating is the same as cheating. He is also being abusive and controlling in the way that he treats you. If he wants to be alone with his computer, let him. This is no way to live.
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