A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Sorry if it sounds as thought I'm whining here but, I really feel like I'm never going to have the same feelings for anybody ever again.I'm 19, so you might find that ridiculous. I've come out of a relationship.. about 4 months ago, that lasted 3 1/2 years. It's ended because I've gone to University, and the love of my life won't wait for me. She insists that we're finished. I hate how she has given up due to circumstances. I feel like I must have done something wrong for her not to want to be with me any more.It felt like she was my soul mate, but maybe she wasn't! Does everybody find a love as good/better after splitting with somebody you thought was "the one". I have felt so miserable for the past 4 months now. I try to stay possitive, and I think I'm great at not showing how bad I feel, but I'm just not convinced I will find another one like her...What do you guys think? This is a brilliant site, btw. Thank-you in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Yep, don't believe in soul mates, or if I do, I believe there are many soul mates out there for you.
Some soul mate relationships are down right awful, you come together because each of you has unfinished business left over from your past or childhood that draws you together and then you end up half killing each other trying to work out your own issues through that of your soul mate, OUCH!
You are very young, you will be different at 25 and 30 then you are today...you will want different things out of life than you do now, and you will know more about who you are as your own person and be able to chose a mate that is best for you, someone who will grow with you, not away from you. This relationship of yours has taken up most of your kid hood, it is time you get out there and sample a few more people and figure out more about yourself as an individual, not part of a couple....what you are feeling now is dependence, you feel a little loss without your appendage of a girlfriend, don't you?
College social life is not to be missed, it is going to be one of the best and most fun times of your life if you will only get out there and participate.....you will meet plenty of nice girls who could be soul mates.
A
male
reader, Rollo Tomassi  +, writes (14 September 2007):
OK, learn this right now - there is no ONE.
This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of 'special someones' out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who's remarried after their "soulmate" has died or moved on.
The ONE is an idealization, a fantasy. Ideally we would all love to have a mate that was a perfect 10, consistently sexually available, unconditionally loving, intelligent, nurturing, fun, well adjusted, socially adept and comes from a wonderful, well adjusted family. This person only exists as an idea. The reality is that for each quality that we idealize another quality becomes lacking. There is no perfect ONE, there is no soulmate. You need to change your mind about this.
What trips people up about the soul-mate myth is it's this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of; that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it's course we'll know that we're 'intended' for each other. And while this may sell a lot of romance novels it's hardly a realistic way to plan your life. I've been married for 11 years and I love my wife dearly, but I know damn well were I to die that she'd marry another suitable guy a few years later. My brother-in-law commited suicide after 2 kids and 20 years of marriage, because he thought exactly like this; she was the ONE and he couldn't go on without her and she even bought this for the first 17 or so years. This woman started dating a millionaire 3 months after he was buried and married this guy a year later and you know what she tells my wife to this day? He's the ONE. So, you can sing songs about her (or him) and how you are each other's sun and moon, but in the harsh daylight of reality, we all do exactly what our conditions demand from us.
Look at your own situation. You're 19 and you've been in a "relationship" for 3 & 1/2 years? So you think that a girl you met at 15 in your sophmore year in high school is the ONE for you? This illustrates exactly how pervasive this myth in our culture. You need to spin more plates my friend, get out there and meet new girls. Get into college if you aren't already, don't even consider being monogamous until you're at least 28. Date non-exclusively like an adult should, you have a lot of maturing to do still.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Do a survey of the people who help on this site and I bet the majority of them would tell you that they thought their first real girlfriend or boyfriend was the 'one' and they would never find someone better.The truth is, nobody knows. You just have to try to find somebody better. Look at this as a good thing though. You may have stayed with her and been filled with regret at not knowing what else is out there. You could go out and date 100 women and then bump into your ex. and get back together. Then you will appreciate her more. I think most people will tell you that your first love only seems to be the love of their life because your inexperience makes you give them more of yourself to them without question.Spend the next few months going out with mates. Partying, football, sports, travelling, new jobs, new friends, cinema, family. So many things to keep you occupied."Fake it 'till you make it" and push yourself to make the effort even at the lowest points.Good luck mate.
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A
female
reader, misscandy +, writes (14 September 2007):
Hey I totally empathise with you, I have just come out of a relationship from 'the one ' and i am very hurt too. If she loved you as equally as you did, she would wait for you or at least don't let such situations ruin the precious relationship you have had. You deserve more, am sure you will find someone who treat you as 'the one' and wish you will find a better relationship. Enjoy your Uni and start socialising more. Best Wishes..
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