A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 3 months and am thinking of getting a divorce, once the year is up. To answer my question I need to give you a bit of background information. My husband has had a female friend for nearly 17 years. I have met the lady on and off over the years but she isn't really my kind of person as she is quite rough and basic. When she found out we were getting married this lady upped the ante and started calling my husband a couple of times a day first with DIY help type questions, then for boyfriend advice etc. She became very demanding and was always asking to see him and spend time with him. She has a boyfriend and a father and brothers who all can give her this kind of support. The contact became increasingly bad with this lady making up stories about being beaten up by her boyfriend, having abortions etc etc all attention seeking. My now husband said she was just a friend and that there was nothing more to it and that I shouldn't worry. Anyway my husband was keen to get married and I explained to him that I was happy to get married but all contact with this woman had to stop as it was really upsetting me. He promised me he would explain to her that I felt uncomfortable with their relationship and that it would end. I am probably not doing my story justice but the calls were constant and my husband was clearly happy to talk to her and offer advice. Anyway I explained that if there was any further contact the relationship would be over. I made this very very claer as I was and am very upset about it. One week after the wedding whilst on honeymoon my husband told me that he was sorry but that he had been in contact with her as he needed a phone number of a mutual friend from her. I waited until the honeymoon was over as we were in the Seychelles but as soon as I got home I left him and moved back to my origional home. My husband has tried constantly to apologize, says he will never see her again, that he is sorry etc etc and wants me to try again. Try as I might I jsut don't trust him anymore. I do love him but feel that he would do the same agin and that she will never be out of my life. Would you continue with a divorce when the time is right or try again?
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female
reader, kylieekristina  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 aaaaa haaaaa lol that is a very important part of the puzzle sweetheart. I understand why you feel the way you do now. Caring guy has pretty much said more than enough that I totally agree with. I just wanted to say sorry for being so harsh again, especially with the new information. I would feel the same as you. I hope everything works out exactly the way YOU want it. Your right about not wanting to be "wondering" whaTs going on.....that is much too exhausting and will sour a relationship in the best shape. I'd leave him and find someone where you have no worries and do not feel as though he settled for you. You deserve nothing less!!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 May 2011):
To be fair, I do think you were slightly hard done by in the first place - hence why I did try to put forward both sides here. You were both lacking on communication in a big way.
But now that we also know they slept together, lived together and your husband admitted that he had opportunities to get together AND she behaved that way, I'm even more sure that this was doomed from the start. I do think there was a huge lack of communication and honesty from you both in terms of how you felt about this woman. You clearly didn't like her, and because of that you felt more and more threatened. He clearly likes her hugely, and was never really going to be able to stop seeing her. It was going to fail from the start really.
You are ultimately right about this situation. You'll never trust him, and I'm not sure that he will leave her out of his life.
If it's still there in your head that you want to try again, then you'd need to get together and do counselling, so you BOTH come clean about how you feel. You do have a right to feel threatened by this woman - he has slept with her, and she has clearly got major issues that affected your relationship. I'm not saying he should have cut her out entirely, because they were friends. But he owed you a lot more care and understanding, especially after he poor behaviour. You need to admit all this to him, and explain why you feel this way and why you feel let down.
At the same time, he needs to come clean about why he was allowing her to ruin your relationship. There's no excuse for him to have allowed her to have so much power - a man in a relationship does owe his wife/partner the lion's share of the attention. He wasn't doing that, and he has to come clean as to why.
Remember one thing, if you do start again - he did come clean about having contacted her. He could have lied.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your responses especially CaringGuy who was exceptionally perceptive. I have not really done my post justice as they slept together years ago and she lived with him for a while while her new flat was being made ready. They are clearly very close and in hindsight I have abslotely no idea what he married me for. My husband did tell me that he had had lots of opportunities for them to get together but they weren't suited, aparently she was not interested at the time, but that makes me feel like second best. The thing is I know she will always be hanging around in the background and I cannot put up with that going forward. Sure I want him back and would love to try again with him after all I have known him for even longer than her but deep down I feel they will be making a fool out of me and I am the kind of person who cannot accept that. I have so far cut my losses so their relationship cannot get to me. I think he will be unable to leave alone whatever he says and I will always be checking up on him which i don't want to do.
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A
female
reader, kylieekristina +, writes (29 May 2011):
I think you are wrong to expect him to not talk to the woman because "you told him to"Are you his wife or his mommy?I think you should have gone about it much differently, for examplePoint out how crazy the woman is with her lies and constant calling. suggest that she may like him as more than a friend. You could have let him know it made you uncomfortable, and by the sound of it, that probally would have been enough to wake him up and slowly stop talking to the woman. HE MARRIED YOU....friends fade, marrige is suppossed to be forever, it seems that you forgot that. I'm sure that you willl not be perfect forever, someday you will make a mistake, fess up to it, and ask for forgivness.....would you want to be treated how you are about to treat him? The man loves you, and was honest with you, that should count for something, and you said I do.....I guess you meant I do as long as you do everything perfect and my way and don't screw up......or at least don't admit to it. sorry if I sound harsh.....but I'm just trying to give you a taste of your own harsh ness. good luck to you...hopefully you do whatever makes you happy and comfortable in the end.
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A
female
reader, rocc +, writes (28 May 2011):
He has a friend for 17 years and you thought they might have any relationship. Hope you have friends too I mean male friends and what if your husband thinks you have a relationship with them.
This is a 17 year friendship, it wont stop all of a sudden, you need to let him see her, may be she has issues. But try to minimize the time they spend and try to help her if possible. You could sort out acting wisely and calmly. You are thinking of divorce for silly reasons like this. People like you keep the lawyers happy and busy and wealthy.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 May 2011):
I was going to write a long post about this, but I re-read your original poster and just came to the conclusion that it would be pointless.
The reasons?
Neither of you were committed enough in the first place, or understanding enough in the first place.
You came into this guy's life, and yes you were his girlfriend, but in my opinion you were very disrespectful of this friendship. You claim she's rough and basic. That's a very cruel statement about your husband's friend - he clearly thought more of her and I don't think you understand that even now.
Also, you were threatened by a woman who in 17 years, your husband hasn't married or even been with.
In fairness, your husband didn't make it clear that he was a taken man to this woman, and didn't make enough effort to understand your viewpoint. But, at the same time I don't think you ever made massive effort to understand his. Somewhere there was a huge collapse in communication between you.
Again in your defence, at the moment this woman started lying and talking about abortions, he should have cut contact. He chose not to - his fault entirely.
Finally you got married and he did cut contact. Then, on the honeymoon, he came clean and said he needed a number and she was the one who had it.
And you dumped him - even though he came entirely clean of his own accord, knowing that you'd threatened to leave. You moved out, and he has stepped up his efforts to get you back. You've chosen not to respond at all.
I'd say go get a divorce as soon as you can. There is nothing here to salvage. Neither of you have understood the other's viewpoint at all, you've both expected each other to accept things/change that were unreasonable, and even though you claim to love him, you're not making any real steps to at the very least try again.
This was dead before it even started.
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A
male
reader, a-g55 +, writes (28 May 2011):
 Consider the following before breaking the news oof a possible divorce. and then once your confident you know all the facts. you can decide if your feelings are the sameAssess Your Legal OptionsConsult and Hire an AttorneyKnow Your Spouse’s Annual IncomeRealisticallyl Assess What You Can EarnLearn About Your Family’s Financial HoldingsRealistically Assess Your Family’s DebtTake Stock of Your Family’s ValuablesLearn How Much It Costs to Run Your HouseholdDetermine Where You Will Live After SeparationStart Saving MoneyBuild Up Your Own CreditStay Involved with Your ChildrenWithdraw Your Money from the BankConsider Canceling Credit CardsSafeguard Property That Belongs to YouCurb Any Unnecessary Major PurchasesStay in the Marital Residence If Possible
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