A
female
age
,
*rsFruitLoop
writes:I am so embaressed and have no one to go to for advice. Maybe someone here can help?I am going through menopause and lately trying to have sex is really painful. I have read what I could on this and tried to relay the info to my husband. I explained to him that I will need more foreplay and lubricant.His response was to spend 3-4 minutes briskly rubbing my clit and then he said, and I kid you not..."looks like youre ready, how do you want it?"This led to me completely shutting down and an argument ensued. A few days later I tried to talk to him again about it and he told me to get a vibrator and use it on myself to try to get my passageway to enlarge! Another argument, which led to him saying that we would have more sex if I would fix (my problem)!That was acouple of months ago and neither of us have initiated sex since. I wont because he hurt me with his insensitivity and he wont because I havent fixed "my problem".I must add that there has been no real intimacy since we've been married, it was like after we married he saw no reason for snuggling, hugging, kissing etc. We've never slept in the same room because he has a bad back, he snores, he works opposite shift of me, he cant sleep laying down because of acid reflux. He had lots of reasons to sleep separately from me. Sex has always been mostly a couple of kisses, a couple of touches and then he does his thing. A couple of hugs and he is back to his room. I lived with that but I am having a hard time living with the new problem of "my problem". I cant get past him saying that to me. I would have thought he would work with me TOGETHER on this. I dont bring it up anymore, it just doesnt seem worthwhile to do so. Now we basically are just roommates and once in a while he will make a snide comment about his lack of a sex life. Im only 50 but I feel like just asking him to leave and to live my life alone for my remaining years. Ive basically lived alone anyways...what would be the difference?
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female
reader, Deema  +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Oh well done you!!!! You had it there all along, just needed a little kick start to sort it out. Great!! And I love the fact that you put a time limit on it too, so that way you won't let it slide back into oblivion and carry on the miserable life you had. Very positive and strong. Well done. Keep to it. You got him worried now. Probably never seen you do that before. But you've been fair, you've given him choice. Now its up to him - come up with the goods, or else!!! Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Good for you Mrs! That's the way to do it.
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A
female
reader, MrsFruitLoop +, writes (13 June 2008):
MrsFruitLoop is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys are the best! Thank you all so much for taking time out of your day to respond to my post. I took the advice to talk to him honestly about this problem. So I told him it was honestly over between us if he truly thinks this is my problem only. Told him I would have no problem living alone as Im basically alone as it is.
Gave him 2 options, either start trying to be a man who cares about his wife and face problems together or pack his bags and leave if being a caring person is too much effort.
I gave him an hour to think it over and I left and took myself out for a nice lunch.
He was waiting for me when I got back and said he wanted this to work and would help in anyway he could but pleeese dont make him go to a shrink. (why are men afraid of therapy?) So I told him I am ordering a book he has to read (Thank you, Dude1) and that I will give this 3 months, no longer, to see if he can step up to the plate. I also told him that after 3 months, if things are no better he will have to move out and look into getting a dog.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (13 June 2008):
Its very sad when this happens, and unfortuantely it usually gets worse. I think dudel and his male response is great, its so honest - and us girls just don't get men when they behave like this. So then we get on with 'chop his nuts off' and all that stuff. I personally like to listen to the male point of view on here - they're the ones who know whats going on with your man, but us girls know how it feels to be on the receiving end of it. So I think you've had enough, I don't think its gonna get much better, its been like it a very long time, but I also think you could try communicating how upset you are about your loss of intimacy - even if that just means a hug - we all need that. If you then don't get anywhere - well you tried hard enough kid. Move on to someone who wants to be with you and appreciates you. It will do you a whole lot better than waiting for crumbs from the table like a dog. Even a dog gets bored and leaves the table if he gets nothing - look after your self-esteem hun. You deserve better. There's nothing wrong with being 50 or menopausal, but there is something wrong with being taken for granted, not appreciated and then made to feel worthless. Go to it girl. You deserve far better.
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A
female
reader, MrsFruitLoop +, writes (13 June 2008):
MrsFruitLoop is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your replies. I havent really given the counseling thing much thought before as I didnt think he would be too open to it. I brought up the Mantra and tantric sex thing before, years ago and he said he didnt believe in all that voodoo stuff. Maybe I will bring up just plain old counseling again.
If he responds like he did years ago, maybe Ill just hand him the vibrator and that playboy magazine and tell him to fix his own problem and Ill work my own issues out by myself..alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Vow, you have been putting up with a lot over the years;
Denying yourself the pleausre of sexual intimacy, with this man whom seems totally insensitive; what a selfish man....satisfying his needs....boem bang thank you mamam!
The situation now is not surprising, because he cannot just have his quick ritual, and he is not prepared to put a little more effort into it;
The way I look at it, you have 3 options:
1) Continue to accept his abusive, selfish behaviour; destroying yourself image and dignity
2) talk to him and insist he goes for therapy ( I even have my doubts if he will go and or if thee is cure for somebody like him?)
3) Get out, MOVE ON. Rather be on your own then to tolerate this kind of treatment; you can still meet somebody else and have a very loving caring partner, who can share the passions of life with you.
I urge you to think of yourself, start taking controll of your life, and do what is best for YOU!
Do not be controlled and manipulated anymore.....
you are entitled to enjoy your life.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (13 June 2008):
 I think your husband's recent reaction has opened the floodgate to a lot of feelings that you have supressed about the intimacy in your relationship. You husband is being selfish about sex, only seeking to fulfill his needs.
This is not your problem alone, it belongs to the both of you. He needs to understand that what he said to you made you feel that the sex act was all about him meeting his needs. Unfortunately, the pattern which you both have allowed your sexual and imtimate relationship to fall into is not working for you. The converstation you need to have to fix the whole thing will be long and drawn out and it will be very hard for him not to be defensive since there is so much history of discontent.
If there is a way to fix things, do so. If you leave there will be a void in your life where your roomate filled. However, there is some comfort in being alone as long as you still get out there. As for living alone the remaining years...as you've said you're only 50 and there is still a chance for you to find the imtimacy you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): What would be the difference? Well, for a start I'm guessing you'd have less washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, scrubbing etc. and the house would probably be a lot tidier and you could set it out exactly how you want, and if you ever put an object down in one place it'll still be there when you go to look for it!
On the sexual side of things, I often wonder why the manufacturers of KY-Jelly haven't yet come up with a handy bedside dispenser. However, you've sure got one insensitive bastard for a husband, and that's for dead sure! I'm sure his ilk are in the minority, but unfortunately for you you found one of them.
I think if I were you I'd tell him to disappear into the bathroom with a copy of Playboy the next time he approaches you like this. If I behaved the way he does that's what I'd expect to be told to do!!
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