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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear CupidI am 31 years old my husband is 55 (we met when I was 18). We have a 3 year old son and have been together for 13 years. We have been living in his home town until our child was born then we moved away to my home and he fell into deep depression. I am the main earner and he does earn a little but it all goes into his own account and I pay all the bills (expect sometimes when I have to ask him for 'help'. Around a year and a half ago I fell in love with another man and we've been seeing each other and texting furiously. He says he loves me and is trying to get me to leave my husband. My husband drinks around 6 pints a night and won't get out of bed until midday every day (when I go to work and he has to take care of our child.) I don't fancy him anymore and we never have sex. He goes to bed around 3am and I go about midnight. I feel so guilty about finding another man and I hate the deception but feel my life is ticking away. My husband never takes me out and never wants to go out - he never takes our child ANYWHERE (if they go to the shops he makes the little boy wait in the car.) I've taken my wedding ring off as I realised that it means nothing since I bought and chose it myself. I have talked to him about my wish to have a ring but he says he doesn't believe in it but will pay for it if I choose one. I feel so alone. Please can you tell me if his behaviour is unreasonable?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (16 February 2006):
 No you are not being unreasonable to look for love elsewhere if your husband is being so cold and distant. But in order to be fair to him I would suggest that you cool things off with the other guy and bring to a close the relationship with your husband. You need a clean break from him. You husband sounds depressed (although I am not really suprised from the amount of alcohol you say he drinks-alcohol IS a depressant) but also his behaviour to your child is unfair.
If you no longer love your husband, do the decent thing and tell him. Go for a trial seperation, or, if you really know that it is over, get a divorce. Do this before your damaged marriage hurts your new relationship.
You must be honest with your husband and your new man. Deal with the husband first and then go and find happiness with your new love.
I wish you all the best.
xxx
A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (16 February 2006):
 My honest answer would be yes and no. On one level it is hard to tell because you don't mention what the cause of his depression is. Seemingly it has been the move away from his home town. Do you visit or have any opportunities to visit? Were things good before now?
People with depression often act in an unreasonable way. They become friend and peerless which makes there depression worse. It is unreasonable of him for you to expect you to carry the burden of doing everything. Have you talked to him about how his actions are making you feel?
I think, if you want to save the relationship you have to confront your husband about how his behaviour is making you feel.
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