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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello, I am a 30 year old female, my boyfriend is a 40 year old male. We have been involved in a relationship for 6 months now. 4 months ago his ex girlfriend started calling, stating that she misses him and wants to work things out. He claims he is only trying to work things out with her to save the 20 year friendship and 6 year relationship. When they talk on the phone (at least once a day) they are talking about what went wrong in their relationship. She calls frantically and wont give up until he answers the phone. She tells him that he should leave me, b/c we have been involved for 6 months and they had 6 years. She also says if they are both single later on down the line, she would like to get back together, and he agrees. He tells me all about their past dysfunctional relationship and most of what they talk about when she calls. This of course hurts me very much and i hold alot of resentment towards the two of them (especially her). He has drug this out for far too long, claiming he doesnt want to hurt her, (eventhough she dumped him, and when she found out he was seeing someone else, she wormed her way back in.) So, in conclusion I feel like are talking about this situation, has gotten us nowhere, in fact I am extremly angry and cannot talk only yell! The other day I pushed him out of frustration, and he said if I do that again he will bail on me. Please help, I am not sure how to apologize for pushing him and want our relationship to feel brand new again. I love him so much. Thank You for your time and concern. Sincerely,Anonymous P.S. did I mention that he caught me checking his cell phone to see how many times a day they are in contact with each other. Now he doesnt trust me and I do not trust him.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2006): You apologise? What are you thinking of, woman? 'He' should be apologizing to you. People like your bf just don't get it. They never, ever take accountability for creating the pain in the first place. Look at what he's done to you. Learn to recognize your own value. Feeling secure, cherished and valued above all others is part of real love. And that's not something you have with this man. You are losing so much- your self-respect, your self-esteem, to this man.
Without a doubt, I’d be pretty pissed off if my boyfriend was still chatting it up daily with an old gf. The chats would end immediately or the relationship would. Do you need to continue allowing this woman and man to entrench more pain in your life. Because every time he talks with this woman he previously slept with, he’s going to have flashbacks of their relationship, and it makes it that much more difficult to let go of the past and go forward with you.
But he's not fully responsible for all this pain. I suggest you google "co-dependent behaviour in relationships' and see what you come up with. It might help you gain insight. But realize, you have had no limits and no boundaries on this relationship, what you expect from it and what you will accept from it. You have to make the best, sensible, decision that will bring happiness back to you..but you need to find that in yourself, first. Frankly, everyone sounds a little bit out of control here. If I were you, I'd be pulling back, I would leave, heal, find my 'self 'again, gain some confidence and perhaps, look forward finding a much less complicated love interest. Take care and be strong.
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (16 February 2006):
 You had every right to be mad.....how dare he treat you like this......if he really cared for you or loved you,he wouldnt hurt you like this.My guess is he either enjoys the attention from his nutty girlfriend or he is too weak to tell her to take a hike! Now,you have told him how you felt and its gone in one ear and out the other....i think personally he probably cant let go of his ex entirely and therefore he is not willing to let go from her.This will be hard for you to swallow but i think you should call it a day and finish it with your boyfriend.....he is treating you with no respect and the trust is gone.You deserve much more then this....all you are getting is grief.....dump him!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2006): I think that this relationship is over. The trust is gone and you are constantly looking over your shoulder, which is unfair, stressful and emotionally exhausting.If this continues you will become more paranoid and upset. That is unfair on you.Perhaps you should tell him that this whole situation is making you uncomfortable and you feel that contact with the ex needs to stop and you two need to concentrate on your relationship.If he says no, leave him. You don't deserve to play second fiddle to anyone - especially to his crazy ex. He's being an idiot and she is being a cow - in my mind they belong together and you deserve someone who pays full attention to you, not some mad stalker type ex girlfriend!
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