A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello there.My husband told me last night that he's in love with his best friend and the feeling's mutual and he's prepared to move to Italy to be with him.His best friend already has a wife and a daughter; he's moved out during the pandemic and is now living alone in Milan.He told me his friend is only attracted to him, not other men and that he is prepared for whatever will happen next, even the mundane parts of the relationship and day-to-day life.This guy is an Italian who lived in the UK since 2015 but left in January 2020 and he's only seen him via Skype since then for what should be obvious reasons.I know the guy, although as an acquaintance, and never saw him often in the short time I knew him.I'm told he's separated but not divorced from his wife.Leaving and divorcing my husband is the easy part in theory; much harder as we have a 6-year-old daughter, Cassie (not her real name) and she won't get to see her dad as much.My husband told me he's not gay, just attracted to this particular man and his sexuality is his own thing, even if other people would see him as gay. He told me that he wants me to come and visit him in Italy every so often rather than me be the bitter and twisted ex-wife.I'm in two minds - hang in there and try and support him, or just let him see our daughter?I really love him but am struggling to cope; we've been together since we were 23 and our life has been good. No issues sexually.Also he was a great dad to our daughter, and she's gotten into certain things like DIY and gardening because of watching him do it!Financially, we're good, I make most of the major decisions, and we're generally similar in our outlook on that.Obviously my husband hasn't cheated on me with this man due to the lockdown but could he have if there was no covid?I've not got a great support network as my sister is in Amsterdam right now with her Dutch girlfriend and has lived there since 2014. I obviously can't see her, but she's not just my sister, she's my best friend. She moved to Amsterdam because she felt homophobia over here was an issue and people didn't believe feminine lesbians existed outside of porn star fantasies and got bullied for being lesbian.In general, I'm struggling to cope as I've not got a great support network and my mum's already recovering from a long-term injury (motorbike accident last January; broken leg and physio) in addition to worries over covid.I need help and guidance from everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2021): First, let's set the record straight about your husband. Truly, no pun intended!
Maybe he hasn't accepted it yet; but if you're a man in-love with another man, you are most undeniably and most assuredly GAY!!! He may only be in-love with one particular man at a time; but that's still gay! To have never had sex with the guy; yet he's divorcing you, and leaving the country to live with him! I have to say that is extremely impetuous and profoundly unusual. This guy has completely pulled the wool over your eyes!
You have a child together, and you're doing your best to have an amicable separation and divorce. That's fine! My suggestion to you is not to suppress your true-feelings. Not meaning you should go psycho or lose-it; but express how you really feel, and get the truth off your chest. Otherwise, it will fester inside you, becoming bitterness and cynicism. If you feel totally betrayed and disgusted, by all means...SAY SO!!! This man has betrayed your marriage; and he's leaving his family high and dry! There's no call for celebration, or wrapping yourself in political correctness! This man is divorcing you...for another man!!!
I'm a gay-man, but there are lines you just don't cross! You don't wreck homes, and take fathers from their children!
Your husband was in the closet! Being an adult, he was always aware of his sexual-inclinations; even if he hid them in denial, he always knew he was attracted to men. You can suppress or hide your feelings; and many men who want to be married and have families do whatever they must. They pretend to be straight, and even get married to appease their families; in an effort to blend into society. To portray an image of being "normal." Bisexuality, might be a better label, but the man-on-man behavior is defined as homosexual...better known as "gay!"
Until you have allowed yourself to grief properly, you might suffer severe emotional-distress down the road. Let it all out, girlfriend!
You are allowed to be upset, and angry. You are allowed to express your feelings. He's not biting his tongue! You know exactly what he feels! In the end, everything will come to some resolution and closure; but meanwhile, don't pretend you're cool about this stuff. You have every right to feel your marriage was betrayed; but you are also correct to be indignant and demonstrative of your hurt feelings.
In time, things will fall into place. I don't think you should "visit him from time to time;" until you've completely healed, and you've come completely to terms with this. Of course you wouldn't allow your daughter to travel internationally unchaperoned. Monitor the situation with all the necessary precautions. There's no hurry, take all the time you need!
Make sure all financial matters are in order. Get all your legal ducks in a row. Once he leaves to follow his heart; do whatever you must to heal and maintain your own mental-health and wellbeing. I wouldn't suggest denying him access to his daughter; but don't confuse a 6 year-old child with all this adult-controversy. It's far too complicated for her understanding. If you must suppress your emotions, let it be only for her sake...NOT HIS!
I will choose my words carefully, because it is not my intention to incite or instigate trouble. I am here only to help, and advise.
Address this honestly, but don't hurt yourself trying to be the pillar of strength. Allow yourself to grieve and purge your emotions. Tell him how much he has hurt you. When this has all come to a close; then you can offer him your blessings, and get-on with your life. You don't have to allow your nose to be rubbed in the mess. You have the right to protect your heart; and maintain your dignity under such extraordinary circumstances. The truth is, he was always gay/bisexual. He has finally decided to step out of the closet; because he has finally found someone he wanted badly enough to give-up everything. It would be the same as if he left you for another woman. You're the one deserving of support, why would you support the man who left you for his boyfriend??? He's not a victim of anything! He didn't suddenly contract some deadly disease!
It is divine to be forgiving; and I wouldn't suggest otherwise. You don't have to pretend you're all good with this. You and your daughter should be totally secure, financially; and he should go out of his way to see his daughter. Willing to co-parent faithfully, with all his heart. If his gay-relationship overshadows that; don't allow him to put your child through the pain of trying to force him to show her the love and affection she deserves. Get a good lawyer to protect your custody-rights.
If he has to be pressured or forced to be a father; it would be best not to put her through any unnecessary disappointment. His comments regarding seeing her were too halfhearted and nonchalant to indicate he cares about the fact he's leaving the both of you behind; while he takes-off on a whim!!! Offering you that BS that he's gay for one and only one man! Gay is gay...a man romantically in-love with another man, who intends to have sex with that man...THAT IS HOMOSEXUAL...THEREFORE, UNEQUIVOCALLY GAY!
It's not like some dormant undiagnosed disease that suddenly invaded his body. It was always there, and he hid it from you. If you're going to forgive and move on; do it fully aware and in acceptance of the facts.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (13 February 2021):
 There is a huge difference between being a "bitter and twisted" ex and allowing yourself to be walked all over. You CAN take the middle road and not do either of those things. There is absolutely no reason why your husband cannot fly back to visit his daughter on a regular basis, rather than you and her having to go to see him. It would also, in my opinion, not be unreasonable to tell him you have no desire to stay with him and his new partner if you were to bring your daughter to see her father. Perhaps you could fly over with her, meet him at the airport to hand over your daughter, then return home, with the reverse happening on the return journey?
I am sure you will choose to be civil for the sake of your daughter. She needs to stay in contact with her father and both you and her father will be her role models for how she will treat people in the future. As adults, you two need to work out a future which will be the best for her while, at the same time, showing her that sometimes relationships don't work out but that does not mean you should treat people with any less respect or consideration.
While your wish to support your husband is altruistic, I would suggest it is not in your best interest. He has chosen to be with someone else. Their gender is irrelevant as far as the breakup of your relationship is concerned. He may not have cheated in the physical sense but he has definitely cheated emotionally which, to me at least, is just as bad if not worse. I feel you want to support him because you still hope things will work out between you. Even if this were to happen, I can't imagine it will be anytime soon. He is all loved up with his new partner, and this is likely to go on for quite a while. Even if he were to come back, could you ever trust him? In your shoes I would draw a very definite line under the marriage, file for divorce, give yourself time to heal, then move on with your life. Remember your daughter will be watching and taking in how you behave. Show respect to your husband, never speak ill of him to her, but also show her that you should not be a doormat for anyone.
Stay strong. This too will pass if you allow it to.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 February 2021):
 You can't change how your husband feel.
And he feel like this OTHER man is the one for him, not you. Which I can only imagine, SUCKS!
He won't be a lesser dad for ending the marriage. At least he didn't cheat behind your back. He has been upfront. Even if it seems so unrealistic that he "just" feel for this guy and everything he had with you and his daughter meant less.
Personally? I would file for divorce. I would work out a visitation schedule so your daughter can see her dad.
Whether you want to go visit him and his new beau in Italy is up to you. Again, personally, I'd decline that. If my husband decided that he needs to bugger off to live with another man elsewhere, I'd agree to the divorce but I don't think I would be bitter NOT would I want to visit him or be friends with him. Civil because of shared kids? Sure... Other than that? Nope.
You don't HAVE to be bitter or twisted because the marriage didn't work out. Who knows, you might find someone who is a MUCH better fit down the road.
You say you are struggling to cope. I get it. It's a LOT to be put on your plate. But there is only one thing you CAN do and that is move forward, put one foot in front of the other. YOUR daughter will NEED you as strong as you can be.
I'd say find a counselor, so you will have someone to talk this over with. Someone who won't judge you or him. Because that is not what it is about.
One last thing, it seems WAY off to me that this happened out of the "blue". That this is just attraction to this ONE single guy. But I would be wrong. Your husband, or soon-to-be -ex (maybe) is not gay. He is more likely BI (if you NEED to label him) - does it matter? Not really.
You just have to figure out what YOU want to do next. How to make the BEST of this and make it WORK for your daughter. She needs you. And she still needs her dad, regardless of whom he loves.
Kids are resilient. Your daughter will do OK. She will do better, the BETTER you handle this.
As for not having a great support network, right now - that happens. You CAN still talk to your mom and sister (Skype/Facetime) and get advice and love from them. JUST do your daughter the favor of NOT talking about your husband to them in front of her.
I'm sorry, you are left holding the stick.
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