A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Am in the middle of a divorce have been married for thirty years to a lovely man. However we have been just friends best mates now for apprx 5 years. I cant imagine what life will be like without him but also know if we dont end this now I will end up resenting him. He is a nice man, but boring and I have tried going back to him now twice but just end up been his companion, cleaner, mother to his children (23 and 24) he doesnt stand up for me and lets our daughter basically speak to me in any manner she desires and all he does is say 'she shouldnt do that' but does nothing about it. Facing a new start by myself at this age is scary but feel I have no alternative - help please
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 "He lets his daughter talk to you however she wants"...No, you let your daughter talk to you however she wants. You might just be using that as a weapon in your arsenal against him. It's just one more thing you can use to bolster you're resentment. We all do it. Maybe you reset yourself for not putting your daughter in her place. You sound like you're resentful of your own inability to make a stand. You refer to the kids as "his" when you're blaming him and "ours" when making a point to strengthen your angle.
Have you gone for help as a couple. Sometimes we need someone else to hear the "entire set of details", from both sides. Maybe the fire wasn't tended for too long in your marriage and it can't be rekindled. That is why it's always best to tend the fire throughout the relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): You're never too old to start again I did it at 53 and haven't looked back.
Is he aware of why you're getting divorced?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): If you were in your 70's or 80s then I could understand but you are way to young for the pipe and slippers routine. Some men bed into old age and it sounds as if he either needs a wakeup call or you need to start making progress on your own. You obviously have plenty of life yet to live and maybe he is not the man to see this through with. I suggest in interim you get out more if you can on your own - take up classes or hobbies where there is mixed company. I'm not suggesting your aim is to cheat - but I think you need to evaluate your relationship whilst building a wider network. Do you like dancing? I was in a similar situation to you and wanted to get out and have fun without it meaning bars or clubs so I took up 'Ceroc' dancing and it was great. All ages and really polite and safe environment. Highly recommended to boost your esteem and put a smile on your face again. As for him not sticking up for you this is pathetic - just tell him straight he backs you up or you will defer your daughter to him all the time - and mean it. Make her his problem. You need to find ways to gain more control in your life - take a firm stand. Be less of a doormat and bit by bit the right decision and the right move for you will present itself. Don't let things drag out too long. Keep a diary if you can - it can help you monitor things and check on how long things are drifting. Do not let blind loyalty and 'duty' stop you from enjoying the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 You may think the grass is always greener over the other side. .You are just running away from your problems.It is not easy to start a new relationship unless you want to look for a younger man.
You should not blame him for your daughter's problem . Other than just saying that,how do you expect him to deal with your daughter. They are adults and you cannot do more than just saying that.
Divorce is a long, lonely and dark road. You may want instant gratifications but in the long run ,you may prefer the old life.Your life can be even worse after divorce.
You cannot expect happiness on a platter from your man. You need to create your own happiness. If you are not satisfied with life, you need to change your outlook and perspective.
If you change for the better, he will also change.
Happiness is being contented with what we have .If you are not contented , you will never be happy even if you find another good man.
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A
male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (11 January 2008):
 I believe you have alot of suppressed anger towards your husband. This anger has accumulated and as a result, though you love him, you don't feel "in-love"anymore.
What is needed here is clear communication- talk to your husband openly.
Let him know you feel the marriage is in jeapordy if things can't be properly sorted out. That...as things stand, youre not happy in the relationship, and that things have to change.
Tell your daughter you don't appreciate her disrespect. This is a time for honesty, but should you call an end to your marriage? I don't think its time yet.There is alot of water under the bridge here, but with some love, and patience things can be sorted out. You probably feel that you are at the end of your rope... but you owe it to your marriage to give it one more shot.
Love, and relationships are not easy, as you know. I believe you
need to be firm with your daughter-
With your husband, try to determine what exactly in your relationship is not working, and discuss this with him.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Have you tried counseling in the face of all of this? I might suggest personal counseling as well. Why on earth is it up to him when they are both your children and they are at this age? If YOU allow your daughter to talk to you that way to you when she is living under your own roof, don't you mean? If your adult children are treating you badly, then YOU have boundary issues that you haven't addressed. Why are you facing a new change at this age when you haven't sorted all of this out? Only you can allow all of these things, and it sounds like You not standing up for yourself and enforcing any boundaries at all. You have issues that you are not owning, in which case, you'll wind up having all the same issues in your next relationships. I'd get help and guidance before you throw this all away. After all, your children will ALWAYS be your children, whether or not you choose to remain married. I think you are going to have to accept some blame and responsibility here. Sorry if this sounded very harsh, but I am assuming that you are writing with the hope of getting truly honest responses and some insight from them, not just to hear something that is sugar-coated. If he is a lovely man, perhaps your marriage is worth fighting for? If you have been just mates, counseling AND marriage retreats could help. Marriages do hit slumps, sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it". You can't put all of the blame on him, unless there is some other information that you have left out. Perhaps there is a reason why you haven't been sexually involved with each other all this time, like either of you having other partners? In any event, I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for in your life. Best of luck with everything and take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): a marriage without passion, love and romance is worhtless. what is the point of a marriage where you are just roommates. a marriage should be with the person that you have fallen in love with, and can't live without.
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A
female
reader, LULU'S Advice +, writes (11 January 2008):
 I think this happens to a lot of married couples nowadays.If you've tried everything to revive it then perhaps it's best to part while you are on friendly terms.It sounds as though he has settled and your now restless.You've done the wife/mother/cook/cleaner thing for long enough and now you need a life of your own.It is a scary thing to be out in the world on your own but it can also be exciting.Just don't lose sight of who you are and what you want.Do some serious thinking and planning before you embark on this next stage of your life. Good luck xx
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