A
female
age
36-40,
*itty chaos
writes:6 months ago my husband has emergency surgery. He had been suffering with ulcerative colitis and it had gotten so bad it was life threatening. He had a horrendous recovery and now has a ileostomy at 26 and a surgical hernia. He suffers badly with depression and anger issues but both are so much worse since the surgery. His anger is out of control. We have a 2 month old son who he has no tolerance for at all the second he starts crying he gets really angry and leaves the room. He also talks to me like crap. It's getting me down a lot. When we married we had been best friends for 10 years. He was well physically and mentally and he had just got a place at the uni of his dreams. Since getting UC two years ago he has changed so much. I love him but I don't know how much I can take. It's not fair for him to take all of his anger out on me and I don't want our child growing up in an environment where daddy shouts all the time. Our baby is so beautiful I just wish my husband could see the nice things he has in life but all he can focus on is being ill. I was working full time to support the family. I've had to give up on my dream to work a job I hate just to pay bills. He has started therapy recently I really hope it works. I really miss my husband and my best friend I'm a bit lost....
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): Give his therapy time. Depression has many symptoms, anger and a lack of control over emotions to be included. He has had some very serious surgeries, and that has a great impact on men especially. We tend to see illness as a threat to our strength and masculinity. He feels weak and uses anger to counter his weakness. He's frustrated, because healing is painful and slow. He'll never be the same. He despises your pity.
I give very direct advice. I know you love him. Your child comes first. You must give your husband an ultimatum.
He will have to get a handle on his anger; or you will not...repeat...will not raise your child in that hostile environment; nor will you endure it yourself. Love does not require people to stay in abusive or violent situations. I don't care how many surgeries he has had. His bad behavior will rub off on the child; and you will see it mirrored in the child's behavior, if you haven't already. This is the sort of thing that triggers night terrors in children.
If he gets an ultimatum from you; he will be motivated to make his therapy count; and not just go through the motions.
A
female
reader, Euphoria30  +, writes (21 May 2015):
Dear OP,I am so very sorry for you and your family. It sounds like an awful lot to go through.There's no easy and smart advice I could give you, because no matter what, you have hard times behind you and you are also facing difficult times ahead of you. So sorry that life can be this way.My number one advice would be to take care of yourself. If you also get sick and exhausted, it won't help anybody. Try to take breaks, a holiday, a weekend off from your husband. Take the baby with you, to your parents maybe, for a few days. Try to get sleep, good food, fresh air. Try to enjoy the little baby that has entered your life. My second advice would be to start to set boundaries. If you let your husband get away with his bad behaviour, you are communicating to him, implicitly, that it's okay what he's doing. You don't have to be rude or hurtful to tell him that this is too much. Try non-violent communication.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication I hope your husband gets proper treatment. A good friend of mine got sick with a chronic disease and it took about 6 months until the "old" personality came back a little. For his depression, I would recommend he is taking an SSRI and/or Valdoxan (agomelatine). The latter helps improving sleep quality and also to bring back positive emotions. And of course he needs to talk to a therapist. Maybe you could also see a couple therapist.
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