A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has always allowed me to have sex with other men and this has, up till now, made for a very fun and happy marriage of almost 20 years. I have been with my latest lover for a couple of years now and am very much in love with him (and with my husband too, but in a different way). But now I have a problem: My boyfriend has become very possessive over time and wants me to leave my husband for him. Although I love my boyfriend, I told him that this is one thing I could never do.This went over like a lead balloon with my boyfriend and he almost broke up with me until I promised to call him and ask permission before having sex with my husband. At first this was kinky and my husband didn't mind, but now my boyfriend refuses permission at times and this does not make my husband very happy.To solve this problem, my husband wants me to lie to my boyfriend about when we have sex, but I told him that I love my boyfriend and won't lie to him. My husband got angry with me but he knows I love him too. Since I can tell that the situation turns him on as well as making him angry, I'm thinking of offering him and my boyfriend a deal that might satisfy them both.Here is my compromise: I have sex with my husband anytime he wants but only give him hand jobs. I think my husband might be alright with this because he might find it kinky, and my boyfriend might be OK with it because he gets my body all to himself.Will this work long term? Any other suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question“no one said i was not having orgasms. I'm just not having sex. two totally different things”.I take your point, and I know that all orgasms carry some health benefits. But according to Dr. Oz, the following report was true for people having sex, but not for people who just masturbate. “In a study at Scotland's Royal Edinburgh Hospital, people in their 40s who reported having an average of 50 percent more sex than the typical person were judged by a panel of strangers to be about seven to 13 years younger than their actual age.”If this report is only true for people having sex with others rather than masturbating by themselves, it means that, for some reason, ALL orgasms do not carry equal weight in improving our health.But I admit, health is not the main reason we do it :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 May 2015):
 no one said i was not having orgasms. I'm just not having sex. two totally different things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear So_Very_Confused,At 55 you should be trying to get as much sex as possible! Not only is it the great fun, but it also keeps you healthy and young. Here are some facts from “The Oz Blog:” Sex can boost your immune system! It increases the levels of certain immunglobulins, which makes your body better able to fight against illnesses. Sex can improve cardiovascular health! And sex can make you live longer! When one has an orgasm, a hormone called dehydroepiandrosterone is released. This can increase immunity and also repairs tissue and keeps the skin healthy. Sex can decrease stress. Not only will having sex improve your mood, but many studies have shown that people who indulge in regular bedroom activities can handle stress better and are generally happier people. Sexual intercourse helps you sleep better. When you’re about to have an orgasm, the level of the hormone oxytocin increases by five times. This endorphin actually reduces aches and pains. Regular sex helps keep your heart young and your muscles flexible. And it burns calories.Let's all follow Dr. Oz's advice and get to work! :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 May 2015):
Well you asked me for my input... and here it is.
My ex husband left me. I did not throw him out. He wanted OUT of the marriage and this was his excuse.
The current marriage is a much better marriage.
the sex is the worst I have ever had (have had none since before thanksgiving) thankfully at 55 I'm ok with being married to my bestie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are right, Deirdre. I'm NOT going to ask my boyfriend to move in with us.
I might have made a bad mistake if I hadn't asked for advice here. Your and other answers made me think! Thank you.
But I still like the idea of another man living with us, I just don't know exactly who to people the proposed king sized bed with, yet:) I need someone single and not too controlling and possessive. Does it sound like I'm on the right track?
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reader, deirdre  +, writes (26 May 2015):
I know that last question was for the other reader but I have to say if you leave your husband for this man, you will not be happy. You clearly enjoy the swingers/cuckold lifestyle and how could you practise this with your boyfriend? I think you should start distancing yourself from your boyfriend, perhaps spend more time with your husband doing (non sexual) things you both enjoy.
You will never get this level of freedom with your boyfriend or indeed any other man that you meet. Think of your husbands feelings also and how he has taken your preferences and feelings into consideration. Im sure he gets jealous or feels inferior at some point, despite his enjoyment of this. Your husband is definitely the better man here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKnowing what you know now, So_Very_Confused, if you could go back in time, would you leave your husband that gave you sexual freedom to marry your boyfriend who doesn't?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 May 2015):
welcome to my world..... my screen name is based totally on the fact that I was married to my then husband and had met my NOW husband and I didn't know what to do and I was SO VERY confused...
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy husband generally likes this kind of situation, Deirdre: He gets to watch me enjoy sex with another man, and he gets to have sex with me himself. This is right in his wheelhouse.And, yes, he is a cuckold. We are both quite fond of the life style, and I delight in being able to do whatever I want to with other men without walking on eggshells around him. An extreme example would be when we were having a threesome with his best friend. My husband was on top of me having sex and I made him stop and get off of me before he was finished because I could see his friend was ready to go again. I told my husband to go and sit in the corner and watch while I made love to his friend again. This got my husband very excited. (It got me pretty excited, too.)So, as you can see, the only one that might have any objections to the situation is my boyfriend. And I am kind of beginning to have second thoughts about having my boyfriend move in with us because of what So_Very_Confused wrote. Once my boyfriend moved in with us, he probably wouldn’t let me have other lovers. As it is now, he has no say in the matter.So_Very_Confused has made me so very confused.
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (26 May 2015):
I would ask your husband about it first. He might not be happy with the arrangement since your boyfriend is already struggling with the setup and it will surely cause more trouble when your boyfriend is living with you both full time. Is your husband a cuckold?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou’re right, Deirdre, a bit weird. But I do see that you were right and that I was trying to give the short end of the stick to my husband. Now that we’re past that bump in the road, I’m hoping to make my boyfriend, my husband and I all one big happy family.Six years ago my husband and I were on a business/pleasure trip to Italy. In Florence, I invited a handsome local to dine with us because, I meant to say, my husband was bored. What I actually said, in my poor Italian, was that my husband was boring. Needless to say, things got exciting quickly: one bed, the three of us, and me “sleeping” between the two of them. I never got so much attention in my entire life. Three days of bliss.My son will be moving out to go to college in August and I want to invite my boyfriend to live in his room as a “boarder.” That will be for show, but I’ll actually buy a king sized bed and my boyfriend will sleep with my husband and me. It will be Italy all over again with me snuggled between my two men. But this time it will be permanent, not just three days. Should I ask my boyfriend now, now that I have the advantage of him trying to make up to me for being mean and calling me names? Or should I just invite him over for a single night once my son leaves and I have my king size bed and let it develop from there?
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reader, deirdre +, writes (25 May 2015):
this is such a weird set up
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA dozen red roses came for me from my boyfriend with a card apologizing for last night. My husband says I shouldn’t have a relationship with someone who treats me like that, but he says it is, of course, up to me. My husband is just being a little over protective of me, though, and will be OK when he sees me happy again.My boyfriend didn’t really treat me so bad—he was hurt and called me a name; and he knew that my husband would come and pick me up at the restaurant—so he didn’t really abandon me there. I talked to my boyfriend on the phone just a few minutes ago, and he’s going to take me out to see “Ex Machina” tonight. I’ll make him buy me a large popcorn to teach him a lesson. :)I know that I asked for everyone’s advice, and I appreciate that you took the time to answer my posts. Most of you think I shouldn’t give equal weight to my boyfriend in the relationship, and maybe you are right, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and I just can’t bear the thought of being without either of them, my boyfriend or my husband—I love them both so much! OK, that was a little melodramatic :), but Its how I really feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): Don't be depressed. Let him go, now hubby is number one. Do you really want someone who'd call you a whore for putting your husband first? Not even your husband has the right to do that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontold boyfriend husband equal to him in my sex life...he called me a whore...left me in the restaurant he took me to...he was really angry...probably never see him again...wish i had it to do over again...depressed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontold boyfriend husband equal to him in my sex life...he called me a whore...left me in the restaurant he took me to...he was really angry...probably never see him again...wish i had it to do over again...depressed.
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (23 May 2015):
my suggestion is that you remind your boyfriend that he is simply the side piece and not the main. He came into this knowing the arrangement; you are married and your husband is the main man here. He should know his place, in this case you need to remind him. Also remind your husband how much you love him, most men are not as tolerant as he is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): Your husband may enjoy the little games you play; but I've been around the block, and seen a few open-end marriages.
I've known of couples who were in the swinger-scene over the years. Both gay and straight. Not one of them is really happy. It really makes no sense why they bothered being married in the first place. My experience is only anecdotal; but in each and every case that I've witnessed, the husband left their wives. They found younger women in every case. Mainly because the wives attached feelings to the men they slept with. Husbands pretended it was okay, but the male ego is very tricky. You can never read a man's poker-face, and he will trump you sooner or later.
I know how many of our OP's embellish their stories. I'm not the gullible type; and I do a lot of research and reading. I know when I see made-up stories, and when there's a little stretching of the truth. I'd say your story smells a little funny.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear So_Very_Confused,
Thank you so much for your reply. You make an excellent point--if I were to choose my boyfriend over my husband, I would never have a "second" again. Though I wasn't planning to leave either of them, your point helped clarify my thinking.
I'm going to tell my boyfriend that no matter what, my husband will always have full access to sex with me in our marriage.
Believe it or not, I think my boyfriend loves me enough that he will accept my rules once I set my foot down. He is really a wonderful guy that just wants me all to himself--but as you pointed out, that would not be good for me in the long run: no more fun romance on the side.
To answer your question, my boyfriend is divorced and only has me--no other girlfriends.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): "I told you I am NOT leaving my husband, and not having sex with him will make him leave me, so I am NOT doing that."
This, Op, this. No matter how irreplaceable you're convinced you're, if it becomes one-sided,i.e. only him catering to your needs and you NOT catering to his, he'll eventually leave.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 May 2015):
As a former swinger and supporter of the poly lifestyle, I understand your feelings.
I think however that your boyfriend is being unrealistic. HE is your SECOND not your FIRST and your FIRST has final say not your second.
Tell boyfriend to get with the program and accept that YOU make the choices about YOUR body not HIM.
if he can't cope with THE RULES as you and your PRIMARY partner set out, then he can find a new person to be his second. Does he have a first or are you his first?
I find it very difficult to have a person without a first as a second. In fact, my second is now my ONLY... my former husband wanted out and he left. My then boyfriend did not have a first. He is now my husband and we do not share.... if you end up leaving your current husband for your boyfriend you will never have a second again...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): Unless your husband absolutely loves HJ's, I seriously doubt your solution is going to work long-term.
While he apparently is happy that you are happy, he rightfully feels threatened over the power that your bf is trying to exert.
I think you need to say to your bf something like: "I told you I am not leaving my husband, and not having sex with him will make him leave me, so I am not doing that."
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 May 2015):
 I find it ridiculous that your "lover" has more SAY over your sex-life then your husband.
And I find it even MORE ridiculous that you "let" him have this power.
A lover is replaceable, IS your husband?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwlE,I understand that you think I'm mistreating my husband, but he actually likes my being in love with another man. He's a romantic and is very happy that I am in love with my boyfriend and that my boyfriend is so in love with me that he wants me all to himself. I told my husband once that in some ways I love him more than my boyfriend, and in other ways I love my boyfriend more than him. To my surprise, he was very turned on by this and wanted to know in what ways I loved my boyfriend more than him. As I told him he became very excited and we had great sex.My husband once told me that he does not mind being second fiddle because it means that I'm having a really great time. He said all he cares about is that I keep him in the orchestra.My husband loves me too much to ever replace me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): NOPE! It will not work.You gotta choose. Who is more important to you?Husband-stay, bf-leave.I'd advise you to stay as bf's manipulation games are a bit too wacky for me (even though the whole situation is wacky,but ah well.Life is sometimes crazier than movies/fiction.)Why do I recommend the husband? He has been kind to you, you have an understanding + you love him. Even if you love the other one too, he on the other hand, has been manipulative, controlling and way too demanding (for somebody who knew what he was getting himself into...)He wants to (and already does!!!!) exert control over aspects of your life? Why do you let him?Love hurts (in many,many cases). But I'd recommend getting a new bf. It's also easier than looking for a new husband...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): You've answered your own crazy outrageous question. If you won't leave your husband, what do you care what your "boyfriend" doesn't like. Replace him.
Your husband is sooooo going to replace you someday!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2015): Wow, quite a predicament.I won't judge.To each his own.But you must realize like most other people having an affair -- whether it is in the open or secret -- that eventually feelings do get in the way.I can tell you that as a mistress to a married man for 2 years, I am starting to resent him for keeping me on the side also claiming to love me. It hurts. It hurts a lot to have a married person, who already has a spouse, stringing along another person and playing with their feelings and future all because of their own selfishness and visions of grandeur.Must feel good for the old ego huh? To have the affection and attention of two men?I get that.BUT you are seeing now that push is coming to shove.Two years is a long time for a guy to hang in without a full on commitment. He obviously thinks he deserves that. I don't blame him. Your man on the side -- NOT boyfriend -- is starting to resent you. He is going to build walls and he has already started to do that, to keep you out. He does not want to get hurt. He has invested 2 years of his life with you. He loves you. He has given you 100 per cent while you have given him half that or even less. So his emotional investment is way higher as you have an emotional investment in your husband as well.Ask yourself how you would feel if your other man had a girlfriend too who he was banging while banging you? Would you like it? BE HONEST NOW. Doubt it. So think about how he feels.Want to solve this?MAKE A CHOICE.Don't string this man along.You are hurting him.Your husband is okay with it. The other guy may have started out that way by being okay with it but now that he has real feelings, it is harder for him.If you love him -- and not just yourself -- you will let him go.Let him find a woman who will devote herself to HIM and ONLY HIM.He deserves that, doesn't he?If you want to keep having these daliances in the future, one piece of advice? Keep them all short and sweet. Don't hang onto anyone for too long. Things do get too messy and complicated if it's just sex you are after.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 May 2015):
 I got nothin'...
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