| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I am hurting deeply. My husband of 6 years has a barber and beauty salon on the same compound of his mother's home. I work 12pm-9pm and my parents helps with our three children. My husband usually leaves his place of work at a reasonable time to go and get our kids from my parents. But from time to time, he may drop asleep in his barber shop and instead his mother wake him up and say go and get your kids and go home, she would encourage him to come and sleep by her. Her excuse is that he is tired. Or he is feeling sick. There have been times i leave work and call my parents only to hear my husband did not go and get our kids. So there were times i stopped out by his mom, only to see him sleeping on his mother's sofa. And there was one time when we were leaving his mother stated that only she and her brother is home, her youngest son went out and she pouted her mouth like she wanted to cry because it seems as though she wanted him to stay. He is there every single day and when he is leaving she asks him if he is coming early in the morning. Yesterday, i was did not go to work and i went by his sister with our kids. His nieces spent the day at my mother in law's home and when one of my sister in law's daughter came back to their home, she told us that my husband was sleeping on himself in the barber shop and his mother told him to come by her and sleep. When i left my sister in law's house, I went by his mother and he was sleeping on her sofa. I got really mad. I did not tell him i did not go to work that day mainly because he never contacted me to see how i was feeling after he knew I not feeling well that morning. So if it is that i really went to work, he should have known to go and get our kids. But ofc they were with me. I never disrespected his mother, but i got so angry when i heard she yet again encouraged him to stay by her when she knows he is married and he has to go and get our kids. I gave him a piece of my mind and started to tell him my mother would never encourage such foolishness. That is when his mother stepped in and said she saw he was feeling sick so she told him to come and sleep. I told her he is not sick. He just has gas!!! When he was younger he had rheumatic fever which affected his heart but when he did some tests last year the doctors stated that his heart is in good working condition. They did not see anything wrong. My husband chooses not to eat on time and gets gas build up in his chest, so from time to time, he is always pressing his chest. I told his mother i cannot see any on my sons sleeping in my home and knows he has his children to go and see about. I told my husband how i felt and he just did not care. I told him he has his children at home to go to, he said to me this is his home and he is not going with me. I said to him, i am tired of how you treat me and once i leave here and you decide to stay by your mummy, then i am gone for good. He opened his mother's door and said ok, no problem. I have been a good wife to my husband and very supportive of him. I always forgave him when he makes me feel insignificant in his eyes and my family hates how he treats me and acts like he does not care about me and our children. So i left him. And i am hurting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2020): Thanks for all the responses. This is my first time posting here. I know at least 3 barbers well who are pretty lousy men. One of those lousy barbers is a married man as well who i lookedup to as a big bro and out of no where he told me he love me. I was in shock.
Anyway, my husband was never this mama's boy, and for the past couple of months he started acting like one. His mother is not married. She was involved with a guy younger than my husband but the guy does not want her. His dad is married to someone else and i am pretty close to his step-mom who does not like his mother's mentality. His step mom treats my children better than my own mother inlaw does. My mother in law even mentioned to him that she saw me with some guy. She says my children are not his. About three years ago, she saw when he handed me some cash and she made statements like he is only thinking about me and my children. I was like what? She added that he does not even think about her. When he carries our son to the doctor, she says why don't i go.
As for my husband's health, yes if he has gas pain he would not be able to sleep. Last year when he visited the doctor for chest pain, he had acid reflux, his heart was fine. With regards to him falling asleep after he finishes working, it is not an everyday thing. But it is like i had all that build up of anger because of how he is moving like a mama's boy for the past few months and i had just got so mad at his mother because of the days that he may sit in his chair and fall asleep, every time she would tell him to come and sleep at her home. So it is like she has no regard to him being married and a father.
With regards to how he treats me and our children. All he does is work and barely make time for us. It is like he sacrifices spending time with us for an extra dollar. He came home that same night and apologized. He said he did not appreciate how i spoke in his mother's house and hd got angry. I asked him if he think it is right how his mother seems to not care he has children to come home to, he said his mother is just feeling lonely. But he has two younger brothers who lives with his mom. And one of them is getting married and his mom is feeling sad because he wants to move out. Anyway, I told him he is acting like a mama's boy all of a sudden and told him he reminds me of Norman (from "Bates motel"...if anyone knows that series ) and how he acts like he can't do without his mother. He got displeased. We both agreed for him to have at least 2 days set aside monthly, where he can spend time with our kids. And he stated that he will set aside a day for us to spend time together as well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2020): I must beg to differ with you, my dear! You haven't left your husband, he has left YOU! He is abandoning his family!
Your husband has decided he doesn't want to be a husband or a father anymore. Instead, he wants to relive a second-childhood; and his domineering/overbearing-mother is still dragging her grown-sons around by their umbilical cords.
In a case like this, you can't win. She's a stronger influence; because she's poisoning his mind by undermining your marriage; and she has convinced him that she's protecting him, and taking better care of him than you are. She's encouraging him, but he makes the conscious-decisions. Direct your concerns to him, he's fully-responsible for his actions. She's a contributing-factor to the problem, but not the cause. It's what he wants!
The brutal-reality is, he doesn't want to be married anymore; or he wouldn't jeopardize losing you, or his kids.
At this point, he probably doesn't really care what you do! The more frustrated he makes you; the better he succeeds at forcing you to make the decision to file for divorce. In the eyes of your children; that makes you look like the reason your family fell-apart. "Daddy's sick, and mommy's being mean to him!" Younger-kids under 10 don't figure-in the details like his failure to pick them up at school, his consistent unreliability, or his mother's very negative-interference. They're willing to forgive his faults. They see it only in black and white. You've decided to get a divorce, but you should have fixed things! This is too complicated for them to see it otherwise. If you have teenagers, they'll understand what's happening. Prepare for them to act-out, regardless of age. They love both of you!
This is emotionally-disruptive and psychologically-traumatic, for both you and your kids!
Be as reassuring as humanly possible. You're a supermom; so I trust you've got that covered! Holding-down a job, raising a baby-man, and your kids! Stay strong! Maybe it's a middle-aged crisis gone amuck!
Gas has nothing to do with any of this. It's purely psychological, not as much physiological. All he needs to do is see a gastroenterologist to determine if he has upper or lower GI disease. They specialize in liver, gallbladder, pancreas, biliary tree, pancreas, and pancreatic disease. You can't just go by what your general-practitioner says. If it was as easy as sleeping on a couch, millions of people should demand refunds for the outrageous fees and the uncovered-costs for treatment! Left untreated, or improperly-diagnosed; the complications could lead to cancer or worse. He can't sleep it away!
This mess is the deepest pile of bull manure I've ever read on DC! Your husband is gradually abandoning his family; and his mother is giving him and his brother a safe-haven, and a flop-house. Now she gets to hover over her sons like a crazy old-hen; because she apparently has nothing better to do with her life. You mention nothing of your father-in-law; so either he is as much of a passive hen-pecked wuss as they are; or there is no father-in-law in the picture anyhow! If the man is living in that house; he should be charging rent! His full-grown sons propped-up against their mommy allday!
Does that woman have a husband? Apparently not, she's too busy getting involved in your marriage!!!
You should drop the kids off at grandma's when your husband is there. If you're divorcing your husband; you'll likely have full-custody of your children with no objection from their father! If he wouldn't even pickup his own children from school; it's unlikely he has any interest in visitation-rights. He's too busy regressing into his own second-childhood. His mother is obviously instrumental in causing discourse in your marriage. You can't really blame her, your husband chooses to be home with his mommy; and not with his wife and children. Regardless of any alleged medical-issues!
Being angry and going toe-to-toe with your mother-in-law is a waste of energy, and an exercise in futility. Clearly she doesn't like you, enjoys meddling, and gets a kick out of the fact she can yank her son away from his family; whenever she feels a hankering to! If her husband has left her; maybe she thinks she has found an alternative to dating. Return to mommying her grown-up sons. It's sick on so many levels! If they have a step-father, he apparently washes his hands of all this!
You'll have to deal with your resentment and anger; but the end-result is you'll have to come to terms with being a single-mother. It's the normal trend nowadays. Men have merely become sperm-donors, or live-away dads. They don't commit to the upbringing and parenting of their children; while living in the same household. They get tired of their wives (or baby-mamas), and would rather deal with baby-mama-drama; than take manly-responsibility for being a devoted-father. Society seems to condone it. I presume his dad has also left his mother; if she didn't put him in an early-grave! When mama's-boys get tired of the adult-world of responsibility; they run home to mama! She becomes a snarling-pitbull on a chain, and you can't reason with her. She's protecting her suckling-puppies!
Do the best you can for yourself and your children. Make sure you get half of his assets, half-ownership of the businesses, child-support, and you keep the house. He won't need it. He lives with his mommy. Being angry all the time will adversely-affect your health. Don't stew in your anger and frustration. Your kids need and depend on you. Put-on your poker-face! It is what it is! You and the kids will be okay! You can always find him at his mama's house!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2020):
 Some time ago we had a lady with 3 kids, and a barber husband ,writing to us. Her problem were :that the barber was basically living off her , because that little he earned he did not use it for the family bills, plus he was a cheater, with shady dealings with an ex, if I remember well.
If you , OP, and that lady are the same person, - well, the barber's naps are the least of your concerns ! Let him nap- and let him be gone, to fend for himself. It was about time. I understand that the way the break up happened must have been sort of shocking for you, and it's normal that you feel hurt - but, actually that may be for the best, and this might be just the push that you need to spread your wings and get rid of a bad relationship which weighs you down and has totally run its course.
If , instead, you are another person, and he another barber... I don't know, I guess we should take it like barbers make lousy husbands !! because this too, true, at least you don't dwell on money and you don't well on cheating, still it does not seem a relationship which is giving you much joy. Nor, apparently, was giving him joy either, since he jumped at the chance of being left as fast as lighting. Now, this may be mostly his pride talking and a bit of posturing and acting macho ( You are not the boss of me ! and I sleep where I want to sleep ! ) , and I guess that if you wanted to make peace and have him back, you'd just have to eat a lttle humble pie and ask him nicely.... but you have to ask yourself : Do I really ,really want to ? Why would I want him back, is there any good reason ' ( Hint : " I am afraid of being alone " Or " I am not used to being single " ) is NOT a good reason ). You say that he " acts " as if he does not care about you and your children, well, not to be mean, but, have you thought that probably that's precisely because he truly does not give a fart ? Words can deceive you easily , and people can say the opposite of what they feel.... but actions, most of the times, tell the true story . If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck etc.etc.....A man who is so reluctant to spend the night under the same roof with his children, well, I guess then thee children are very low on the list of his priorities ...so might as well growing them on your own , without exposing them to the sight of their mother being mistreated, ignored and neglected .
Said that, I feel there's mnore to the story, and, FWIW, whether you reconcile or not, in your shoes I would send him, or drag him, to a doctor. This is all very strange- why does he fall asleep in the shop ? A barber ? Are you kidding me, there are construction workers who end their workday at the building site- and then go out to dance. There are milkers, - and those wake up at 4 a.m. - who , of course they have to go to bed early, still can finish the day nice and awake ! This is the first case of barber or hairdresser falling asleep on the job that I have ever heard. So I wonder : is your husband narcoleptic ? Is he using , or abusing, alcohol or drugs ? - Otherwise there is no reason why he should fall asleep in his shop even if he cut a s..load of hair every day, I mean no reason other than a health reason, getting tired, and falling asleep so easily, may be a symptom of several serious conditions, which would need to be looked into.
Another thing, what gas pains have got to do with falling asleep ? Nothing; in fact, gas pains °hurt°, so try falling asleep and napping when you have gas pains. That too, is something that should be looked into by his doctor. It's not true that you get gas pains just because you eat too fast or too late or too early - that's got nothing to do with °recurring° gas pains in your chest. Now, once, if you really pig out, eat too much and get indigestion, it could possibly happen. But if it is a symptom that shows up regularly and repeatedly, it's the spy for something not working properly. Best case, and most common, scenario, : gallstones. Otherwise, biliary tree diseases, IBD, ulcerative colitis,... etc. etc.
In short : say , and think " good riddance " ! if this is the standard he offers as a husband and a father - but send him to a doctor first, I'd bet a pretty penny that he is far from being in good shape healthwise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2020): The short answer is that you left your husband because he has bad gas that was curable only by sleeping on his mommas couch!
Now you feel he chose gas and mamma over you and you are both angry and sad at the same time!
If you look back over this situation you will see that this is a tip-of-the-iceberg phenomena.
Clearly his mum has been worried about his health for some time.
And she is willing to believe that his catnaps on the couch are necessary and preferable to falling asleep in the barbers shop.
As his wife you should have known exactly what his medical condition was.
Is it possible that your husband and his mother concealed some medical condition from you because it is most abnormal for a fully grown man to need to sleep during the working day.
Are there no customers in the shop and is he slipping himself anything to make him sleep?
Or does he have medication that causes him to get drowsy and if so why was he trying to work a full day knowing he could hazardously collapse?
I can understand why you are upset.
But logically if you've left him you still have all the chores of running a household and picking up and looking after the kids, preparing the food and so on.
So for husband this is a win/win situation.
He gets a husband holiday and you get to be upset.
Meanwhile Mammas always there.
The thing that needs sorting is what you intend to do next.
If this really is the last straw you will head off to see a solicitor and to fix up cheaper accomodation.
If this is a tit-for-that game of power you will go back to his mum's and tell him to get his sorry ass off her couch and to attend to chores at home as he is the father of your kids.
If he has a concealed illness you can expect more of the same so perhaps his mum's house is the place for him to be.
If not, then you need to figure out why this guy is always tired.
What does he do at nights?
If all else fails you could try to take a busmans holiday yourself thereby reversing roles.
How about you landing on his mother with all the kids and asking your hubby or her ' what's for dinner darling?' and sticking around telling him the kids are missing him and your all hungry until he and his mamma order pizza!
I can't really imagine your in-laws but you would have to consider if this strategy would start a tug of love with the kids dad or the grandmother.
Think carefully before you make your next move because it could be a case of out of the fire and into the frying pan!
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa  +, writes (6 January 2020):
 You made the right choice. He doesn't want to be a husband or a father. He wants to stay a mummy's boy. Never chase a guy who doesn't want to be chased.
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