A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:SORRY FOR JUMPING IN ON YOUR TOPIC BUT i need advice as hitting my head on brick walls and getting no further i have a 24 year old married daughter who has just spoken up after 13 years of child abuse from her step father she never ever said no to him and was willing she stated this she was 12 and it went on until she was 16 he used emotional black mail on her saying if she told he would loose me his wife and all his family he has never had any children and he has helped me raise my daughter from 2 years old i felt physically sick when he admitted it i couldnt believe what i was hearing on that i walked out of the marrital home and found a flat and now filing for devorce after 20 years of marriage i also found out his mother knew 10 weeks before i did and she said she dont condone what he has done but he is her only son and she forgives him WHO IS SHE TO FORGIVE HIM !!!!!!i hate him and i want my daughter to prosecute but she wont can i prosecute him as he has admitted it on my mobile by text after i asked him what age and where it took place i am desprate i need to know what i can do if my daughter dont prosecute i fear for any other woman that lets him into her home and life with children PLEASE HELP
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (11 December 2009):
 I think your daughter might turn against you if you go to the authorities against her wishes. Of course the news of child abuse must be devastating for you, and I urge you to seek counselling as you must be in a state of anger and hatred towards this man. I think your daughter needs specialist counselling too for abuse survivors. However, as an adult you cannot force her to undertake therapy. If you feel very strongly that you must tell someone, I suggest contacting child protective services by letter outlining what you know. It is entirely possible this man is known to them as he maybe a repeat sex offender (even if he was never charged). The police would also interview him and he may confess, but without your daughters testimony it is unlikely he would be charged if he pleads not guilty. I am so sorry for what has happened - it is a truly terrible thing. I can only suggest you wait in the wings to offer support for your daughter when/ if she becomes ready for help/ therapy. It is often when an adult-survivor has a major life change - an impending marriage, child-birth or things of that nature that they take stock of what happened before and begin to contemplate seeking help. It is at that stage that you might wish to raise the issue of prosecution because a specialist therapist maybe able to put this in perspective for her.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (11 December 2009):
Your daughter is going through what therapists call Stockholm Syndrome. This is when the victim now feels sorry for her perpetrator and refuses to cooperate with law enforcement. She feels that maybe because she "willingly" participated in the sex as time went on, that she is somehow to blame for what happened. Before calling the police or a lawyer, you need to start with an abuse hotline. They are normally free of charge. They will put you in touch with a counsellor who will do an intervention with you and your daughter to help explain to her that none of this, whether or not she was "willing", is any of her fault. She was at an age of diminished responsibility and he was in a position of trust and authority. The "best" abusers are those like him, able to successfully manipulate their victims into not testifying. After the counseling, the therapist will then help you draw up an action plan which will involve law enforcement and a lawyer. I'm sorry for what happened, but remember who the primary victim is here. You are devastated but handle yourself so that you dont add to your daughter's guilt by losing control of yourself. You have to pull yourself together and organize separate therapy for yourself. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 December 2009):
 I totally understand your anger and your feeling. He should pay for what he did.
The thing is, your daughter is now a grown woman wit ha life on her own. I think if you talk to a lawyer and a therapist ( yes I think the latter can help you explain to your daughter WHY she should prosecute him). What IF he comes into contact with other young girls? Do the same to them?
From what I know most rape and abuse victims don't step forward because they have such a deep sense of fear and shame. They feel it is their own fault. I truly hope you daughter is getting some help for this, you can "only" hide so much under the surface before things explode.
Also his mother, is his mother of course she can forgive him. I don't think she has a right to say it out loud though, not to you, not to your daughter.
Congratulations on the Divorce. You did the right thing there.
And I'm not sorry to say that I hope you soon to be ex will just drop dead.
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (11 December 2009):
 I really think you need to go see a lawyer. I'm a lawyer in Australia and your system works somewhat differently than ours. I do think that it may be difficult to do anything about this without her input.
Is she ok now? Has the abuse left any effects on her? Mental health issues? If so, she might be able to sue him for damages through a civil lawsuit, as well as bring criminal proceedings against him.
I think your daughter really is the only one who can bring proceedings against him, civil or criminal. You must however understand that she might not want to do this due to the passage of time and the fact that it might bring up things that she has successfully put behind her.
What has happened is wrong but if she has found the strength to move on I think you need to respect her decision. Digging up old problems and causing new wounds will not help her in the long run.
You can however report him to Police and if they think they have enough evidence they might investigate and charge him. But if your daughter is the only victim (known to you of course) and she won't testify against him, the Police might not have much to work with.
You just have to remember that although to you, you wish to get back at him, and rightly so, your daughter may be better off with leaving all that in the past.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2009): i work for probation, so i can advise u that evidence will be required to charge him. Speak to your daughter about going to the police she needs to understand that taking it further can reduce his chances of doing it again. I've seen and heard many cases like this when the daughter doesn't reveal the abuse till 10-15yrs later reassure her that it makes no difference and that it is very likely that he will do it again if he gets away with it this time. If she still declines record a coversation with her or just go to the policeand get it known to them at least - it will stay on record.
Im sorry you & ur daughter had to experience this but be strong through to proceedings don't let anything stop u from taking it further. The mentalality of these sick people is beyond me but get justice for u and ur family.
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