A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need your realtionship advice about this I feel like I am a bad boyfriend. This might be long sorry for itRecently my girlfriend and I started to try have sex. Ofcourse it is too painful for her so wer are just trying right now. I am not rushing things and I am ok if she changes her mind about it. I will still love her.Anyway after our try we were lying on the bed all naked and romantic. I new her previous experience with her exboyfriend. He tried to put it in without warnning her and she bled a little. It wasn't good experience for her. Whether she is virgin or not isn't the problem here.The reason that I am telling you this is to sort thing in my head. While we were lying there she suddenly started to talk about her previous experience in detail, but I mean really there was too much detail. I am ok with her past she had stuff with other guys. But after she told it in our bed and while we were naked all lovey dovey it really got me angry and jealuous. I didn't show it at that time. That night I called her and had a fight about it. She was really sorry sent tons of pages of message about how sorry she was.Its been 3 days after that we are all back to normal. Eventhough I say I am okay and forgave her to my girlfriend. I really am not. I am still mad as hell and my heart is broken I don't know.... I really want this relationship to work and I am doing all I can. I just need some advice. Why cant I get over with it
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her ex, her past, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2014): Jealousy has little to do with what you are feeling, it is more like HURT. it hurts you to hear the details of your girlfriend being with another guy. why do i say this because i go through the same thing with my wife, with the past sexual experience she was involved with. it hurts, and hurts bad. no man like's the thought of another guy touching the girl he loves. not of jealousy , but of hurt and feeling of being powerless that we can't change things. i understand your heart being broken, i have been there with my wife. it is possible to forgive her, that may not make the pain go away, but you can forgive her if you choose. is she the one you can't live without? the thing is does she feel remorse, guilty over the past, doe's she feel bad over the hurt you feel, doe's she love you. can you see the future with her? i have been suffering with this hurt with my wife's past for years. i have made a choice to forgive her, show her love. it does not make it go away and yes it still hurts. the thing is do you love, can you see not living your life without her?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have talked about the reason she told me her story in detail. It is a little hard for me to explain cause English isnt my native language. Basicaly she told she loved me and sometimes she feels confused and doesnt know things to talk and not to talk about. It feels like she never had this kind of relationship, love makes her feel and act inexperienced. Anyway that was basicaly her reason. At least she told me that way.I believe her and I love her too, this kind of love is new for me too but this is the second time she did something like this. I dont want to be the boyfriend that counts mistakes but I feel like if she continues like this acting without common sense I cant keep on trying to forgot.It is just too painful for me to keep reliving it again and againI will take all of your advices and stop overthinking about the story. I guess this is the first step....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 Your girl friend suffers from vaginismus. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-we-take-things-to-the-next.html
She also appears to have an appalling lack of common sense and tact.
You have just started to experience the unhappiness of retroactive jealousy.
She needs to see her gynecologist. You need to ask yourself if you will be able to continue to try to experience intimacy with a woman who lacks boundaries.
Maybe she was feeling stressed by being bad in bed and felt like she was a failure for not being able to have intercourse with you. Perhaps she is trying to make herself feel better by making you feel worse. Who knows?
Don't lie anymore. You are not okay with it, so don't pretend that you are.
What I would delve into with her is why she felt it appropriate to talk about previous sexual experiences in bed with you. Unless it was something you had asked about, it's a really bad idea. So you may want to explore why she felt compelled to share these details with you. On the other hand, now you know that she's had these other sexual experiences. If this is something that is causing you mental anguish, you might be experiencing what we call retroactive jealousy. There are many articles on the site that discuss retroactive jealousy. So you can do research on the site.
Your girlfriend does need to see her gynecologist. If you've been sexually active in the past, you should see your doctor as well, now that you are starting on a new sexual relationship with your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 November 2014):
 It's some primal thing. Even though in real life you know you don't own her past, but one particular part of your brain gets this primal rage as if your mate gets snatched by someone else. It's an instinct to possess and to ward off other competitors. It has been there since ancient times. Your ancestors probably killed each other for women. In modern times all we can do is control our feelings. She did not tell you this to upset you, and did not know how bad it would affect you. She told you basically to confide in you as a friend. Little did she know she triggered your anger. Now she knows and regretted it. You get over it by accepting what your ancestors gave you and keep reminding yourself the past is not your threat.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 Aaaah... no one wants to hear the details about the ex and the past sex life, no matter how far they got. It's just not something anyone wants to know. Your girlfriend went too far and told you these things, you should have just stopped her right in the middle of it when you knew where it was heading.
How to get over it? I think starting by realizing this is quite a normal reaction to having been told things you didn't really want to hear. It will pass in time, but sometimes, even though we know in our hearts we should forget about it and it's not important.. sometimes our feelings just need time to calm down. I say the best thing now is to accept that this is how you feel. Don't take it out on her, continue like normal, but accept that you're not quite back to your "normal" self right now. However it will pass, just give yourself some time. By time I mean that this could take a few months even, to forget about. Maybe it will take just a week, or maybe it will take 6 months. Depends on you as a person and how strongly you feel about this. But it will pass, just do yourself the favor of NOT recalling it constantly. Do not remind yourself of what she said, do not recall the mental images, and whenever you start thinking about it, start to think about something else instead.
It will pass.
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