A
male
age
30-35,
*onfusedandhurt123
writes:I need some advice on a situation in my relationship that is becoming more perilous and toxic as each day passes to put it all into context I have to provide a bit of a background, which I will keep as small as possible.before and during my relationship with my partner, i have had a close friend of the opposite sex who is married. for 5 years, that friendship was completely platonic, but whilst i was single, some casual flirting started between me and my friend via texts, which became quite explicit. I am personally not proud of this as it constitutes as emotional cheating, but i cant change that. On one fateful night, I went on a night out with my friend to a gig, and we decided to get cheap hotel to crash in after an all nighter...we had taken some E during the gig which kept us going all night...In that hotel, nothing happened, except a lot of chatting. There was no sex, no touching apart from hugging, no kissing, no nothing, although there was definitely temptation, which i resisted. To this date no physical act has ever occured between me and my friend. Once that day passed, and the E wore off, i was deeply ashamed of encouraging that position where there had been temptation. I made it expressly clear to her that the texting needed to stop, which it did, and i managed to move on from it. During the time the texting had taken place, I decided (i dont know why) to screenshot the entire conversation for safe keeping. a few months after these events, I met my partner via a dating app and we started dating, and are now more then 3 years down the road of what has mostly been a loving and respectful relationship.Getting to the real issue - one day i had lent my partner my laptop, which she used for some casual browsing. I had rather carelessly left an open sync connection between my phone and my laptop, so everything had been uploaded to my laptop. Unfortunately she found all the screenshots and other random photos I had had on my phone at the time of the events I explained earlier, my partner decided to go through every screenshot and read the conversation i had with my friend, most of which were fairly explicit to say the least.everything that happened between me and my friend happened before i ever met my partner or knew she even existed. I did not know she had read these screenshots, but shot myself in the foot when she asked me about whether anything had gone on between my and friend, and i decided not to say the truth because it happened in the past before i met my partner. and i did not consider it important. she ended up telling me she knew everything, and was very hurt that i decided to not to tell the truth. lesson learnt, don't ever lie, regardless of whether if it was from the past.of course, this caused some doubt and trust issues which i cannot blame my partner for, and is the catalyst for the toxic feelings that are growing in this relationship.when she spilled the beans that she knew everything, we had a long argument where i did what i could to assure her that i had never cheated on her, which is true. I also committed to a promise where i would never engage with my friend over text, meet ups, in anyway basically. My partner has told me in no uncertain terms that if i ever message my friend again privately, she would consider it as a form of micro cheating and would end it with me.as far as my friend is concerned, she does not know that my partner knows about the conversations we had, about the hotel stay, and she sometimes meassages me to see how i am doing. I am now in a position where i feel guilty for even thinking about replying, because of what my partner told me, so i end up never replying, which in turn makes me feel even worse for ignoring my friendI feel like this is an impossible situation to be in, but if i ever try to bring this up, my partner gets very upset and we have that argument again and again. MY partner will say i am choosing my friend over her, that its up to me and i can do what i want but if i do reply then it is unacceptable and the relationship will endthe entire situation has been caused by me, i know i am the guilty party and i could have avoided this had i been honest. These are the lessons i have learnt and i must forgive myself for past mistakes.the entire situation has caused stress and hurt on my partner, but also a lot of stress and anxiety within myself. I feel awful.I am absolutely terrified of losing my partner, but equally I feel very conflicted about this promise I made. I see it as unsustainable and at some point I will slip upHow can I navigate this situation? is it too late?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2021): Tell your girlfriend that you have to end communications properly with your 'friend' because otherwise she will keep texting. Ask her to be there when you do so, so she can witness what is said.
I quite understand why your girlfriend is upset. It turns out the 'platonic friend' you have of the other sex, is someone who in fact you wish to have sex with and not only exchanged explicit sexts with, but also kept screenshots of them to refer back to!!
And THEN you lied about it!
So your girlfriend now realises that this friendship which she has trusted to be just that, a friendship, is indeed much more than that, if only in your head. It doesn't matter if you both never had sex, you've certainly had it with her in your head and over a device, with her interaction.
NO wonder she has lost all trust in you. Imagine this the other way round and imagine she had a male friend whom she let you believe was just a friend, when all along she had kept sexual texts they sent to each other, to remind herself what was said, to get her going whilst she was having sex with you! Not so innocuous now, is it?
Choose. It's all you can do. And be glad that she still thinks she can trust you. Because if a boyfriend of mine was still friends with someone he secretly wanted to fuck, he, or the 'friendship', would be gone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): Oh, BTW, your girlfriend is setting you up yet again; by forcing you to keep an unreasonable promise, she knows you'll have no choice but to break. Then she'll use that as an excuse to reclaim your balls, to keep in her purse for safekeeping.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): Typo corrections:
"Now you're in the precarious position of having to choose."
"Due [to] an unnecessary lie, you're forced to honor your [possibly fake] promise to your girlfriend."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2021): Never make a promise you know you can't keep, just to pacify somebody. You've made yet another big mistake. You're not feeling conflicted, because of the false-promise; you're feeling defiant and resentful, because you don't like the feeling of being trapped. You've painted yourself into a corner! You've given yourself an excuse to eventually break the promise.
Did you not show your girlfriend the dates of those explicit communications? Even still, she will always distrust you; that you would even cross the line like that with a female-friend!
It will always haunt her thoughts, that you may still maintain those same feelings; and it will bug her every time you both interact or communicate with each-other. Such flirtations may be suppressed, but who's to say the sexual-tension doesn't remain?
Now you're in the precarious position of having having to choose. I guess you have to prove something to your girlfriend; because she can't trust you. She probably never has; and few will, when they know you already have a close female-bestie. There's always the nagging suspicion of "if you've ever done-it, will do-it, or you're still doing-it?"
Frankly, I'm not sure why anyone would save inappropriate sexting, with a so-called friend, leftover from years ago on their devices? Not if they wanted to put it all behind them; to pretend it never happened. Only for it later to be found either by mistake, or on purpose. It doesn't make any sense. It falls in the category of being highly-suspicious! You save only what you want to visit from time to time; for old-times sake. Which your girlfriend now suspects you use for masturbation material. She's a woman, not stupid, and she wouldn't be that far from right; because it doesn't make sense otherwise! Giving her some benefit of the doubt.
Yet, I think your girlfriend is pushing the envelope. She's being somewhat of an opportunist; because she may have always been secretly jealous, or uncomfortable with, your friendship with someone of the opposite-sex.
Not dismissing the fact, she also took it upon herself to download and read what she knew was private. She only needed a convenient excuse to snoop on your devices; because, truth be told, she was probably looking for evidence of misconduct anyway. Lo and behold! You've knuckleheadedly handed her an excuse to essentially eliminate whom she considers her competition. She probably never liked the idea of you having a female-friend; and was jealous all along. She cleverly set you up, to catch you in a lie. Like a dummy, you had to lie; when the situation didn't even call for it. Thus, now you don't want to ignore the friend; who has no idea of what's going-on.
Due an unnecessary lie, you're forced to honor your promise to your girlfriend. Which you, and I, and the fly on the wall all know you'll sneak around and break; so not to hurt your friend.
Explain to your girlfriend that you still owe your friend the courtesy of formerly cutting-ties of friendship. It's not her fault! I think it is an unreasonable demand on your girlfriend's part; and trust me, it will not be the last. You will never be allowed to befriend other females; and this incident will always be her go-to excuse to be suspicious, insecure, and possessive. Be that the case, she needs to get-a-grip!!! Being mean to someone who hasn't done anything to her clearly reflects badly on her character; and shows how petty and entitled she is. It's so immature; behaving like a jealous little spoiled high school girl. Which I'm only assuming she's not!
Personally, I'd politely snatch my balls back; and put them back in the sack where they belong. Explain to your unreasonable snotty little girlfriend; that you will pay your friend the courtesy of an explanation of why you will not be in-touch. If she wants to take a walk, which I doubt will happen (because she won't default to your lady-friend for reasons of pride); but you have to put reason and maturity back into this situation. If your friend is left in the dark, she's going to keep trying to contact you; until you have to explain anyway. Which means she will attempt to see you. Then what?
Never place yourself in the position of choosing being two women. When one is a platonic-friend, and the other is supposed to be your committed romantic-partner. If the relationship is true, your committed romantic-partner takes priority; but she also has to be able to trust you. The friend should know her place, and honor your relationship. Trust was tossed out the window, because you lied! Hurting one person with unjustified silence; and destroying the trust (which only allegedly exists) of another. There is no guarantee your girlfriend ever trusted you; but after catching you in a lie, she can't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 December 2021):
 Why not just come clean 100%?
Doesn't matter that it happened BEFORE you and your GF started sating you LIED to her face! Man, that means you are NOT trustworthy when it comes to this "female friend".
Should your GF have gone through your laptop? No.
Should you have saved these private conversations? Probably not. My guess is, you wanted to save them for "spank bank fodder" or to "reminisce" on the sexy conversation. Either way, perhaps not the smartest. The fact that you also LIE to us and say:
"I decided (i dont know why) to screenshot the entire conversation for safe keeping."
Bullshit, you know why. Own it.
"I also committed to a promise where i would never engage with my friend over text, meet ups, in anyway basically. My partner has told me in no uncertain terms that if i ever message my friend again privately, she would consider it as a form of micro cheating and would end it with me."
So YOU made your GF a promise to NEVER engage with this friend EVER again, not talk, not text, not meet up. And you LIED to her face too.
Because YOU haven't TOLD said friend that you can no longer talk to her or your relationship is over. You are hedging your bets. You want to keep your "female friend" and your GF .
BUT YOU CAN'T. You DO have to choose. One of the other. And since you PROMISED your GF that you would comply with her demands... You NEED to keep your word. You can TELL your GF, look I will text my friend that we no longer can talk and cut contact with you, I wish you all the best and goodbye. Let your GF see it. Get a new phone number so the "friend" can't contact you anymore. For good measure.
Take this lesson, OP
NEVER EVER make a promise you aren't 100% sure you can keep. You KNEW when you made the promise to your GF that you inevitably would have contact with your friend. You KNEW. And you still made the promise. IN bad faith. It was a lie. It was to placate your GF.
As for the term "micro-cheating " - that is absolute bullshit. The definitions make absolutely no sense, it's just these new buzz-woke terminology.
But I think your GF has a point. If you don't WANT to drop the "female friend" 100%, your GF has every right to drop you. Because after she read all those horny messages (which DEFINITELY constitute emotionally cheating - your female friend on her husband WITH you) She knows that you can NOT be trusted around said "female friend".) Your GF has good reason to not trust you on this. Plus you LIED. Bold-faced lied to her.
How do you navigate the situation?
You tell your GF the truth and nothing but the truth.
You delete those text conversations, you suggest to your GF that you contact your female friend IN FRONT of your GF via text and tell her you are going to cut contact with her and focus on your relationship. And then you stick to it.
OR you end it with your GF and keep your friendship. Then you can try to find a woman who will be OK with you having a female friend you at some point had an emotional affair with.
Don't LIE about things that don't matter!! It only leads to more lies and more problems.
The fact that you lied, now means your GF doesn't trust you AT all. So you need to have a conversation on how to rebuild that trust. If that is even possible.
If you don't think you CAN stop all contact with "female friend" then you need to be HONEST and tell your GF that, then SHE can decide if she wants to invest more time with you or not. YOU have to be honest with yourself AND your GF. You owe her that, at least.
You made this mess, YOU need to clean it up.
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A
male
reader, DarrellGood +, writes (4 December 2021):
 This is a difficult one because you have put yourself in this position but you rightly say there is no point crying over spilt milk now, the past is the past, and you have to focus on the future.
I don't think it's necessarily too late but it will take a lot of time and effort to repair this one. Basically, I think you have to make your choice and stick to it. If you really cant keep this promise then it is time to walk away and end this relationship because to compound the past with breaking this promise then will not end well and it ultimately isnt fair if you do that so if that really is the case then make the break a swift and clean one.
However, if you can keep the promise then simply do so, spend the time focusing on repairing the damage done, be aware it will take time and crack on. It really is that simple I think, maybe keeping the promise will seem hard fr now but imagine the happiness you can have with your partner if you put all your focus there? Surely that is more than enough and if that is the case do you really need this friend more than your partner? I don't know. I cant answer those questions for you, only you can for yourself, good luck.
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