A
male
age
30-35,
*hostChild
writes:Patience with my girlfriend is wearing thin.All she ever does nowadays is complain about everything, she rarely asks me how I am, and if I have a problem she usually just tells me it's nothing or she just doesn't listen at all as if my issues don't matter. Yet I sit here and listen to the constant streaming minutiae of her life. She's extremely emotional and cries all the time about everything. When she's not crying about how she can't find work, she's yelling at me for not being a better boyfriendI'm there for her 24/7, on the phone, in person, whatever it takes, but nothing is ever good enough for her.We are long distance, it's a good 800km drive between my place and hers. A good example of how nothing is ever good enough is that I drove all the way to her house the other day because it was her birthday. I was one hour later than I said I would be since my car sprung a flat tyre. She spent the entire day complaining about how I ruined half her day by getting there late. (she has never even driven/caught a bus/train/plain etc to visit me at my house before)She always dumps her problems on me, she always complains about being sick (she does catch a lot of colds), and she complains because she's having trouble finding work, and also that her friends don't hang out with her much.I've tried my best to help her with all of these issues. I've suggested jobs to her, but she's too fussy about where she works, I suggest that she invite her friends out but she just cries and says they're always too busy anyway and that no one would want to hang out with her. But she never even tries to invite them out. Then when one of them invites her to hang out, she usually says no and stays home and complains to me about something else.She complains about her appearance all the time. She got picked on a lot in primary school, but since then she's turned into a really beautiful girl, she's gorgeous, slim and has had a lot of guys interested in her over the years. I've tried to tell her this, I tell her she's beautiful everyday, but in her mind she still thinks she's hideous and ugly, and she cries about that a lot. I've been trying for two and a half years to make her realise that she isn't ugly, but she just won't listen.The worst thing is that she complains about our relationship to me all the time. She tells me how I don't make her feel special enough any more, and how she's always sad. I've told her that I do my best to make her feel special and I try to make her feel better, but she just says I'm obviously not doing a good enough job. And she compares me to other boyfriends that she knows of, "Luke already proposed to his girlfriend," "Brett had flowers sent to his girlfriend's house, you've never done that for me before."She tells me how she's sick of just being boyfriend and girlfriend and how our relationship is so stale, and she constantly threatens to break up with me. But then she comes back crying an hour later and apologizing, taking everything she said back because she's just so sad.I've recommended counseling or seeing someone who can help her, but that just makes her cry more because she doesn't want to "be another loser that has to see a shrink." Her family know about how emotional she is lately, I've tried to tell them that it's probably worse than they think, but they just chalk it up to her being overly dramatic, and they tell me to be there for her as I'm the best support she's got at the moment. Then they wipe their hands clean of the problem and leave it all up to me to fix.But I don't know if I want this stress any more. Every time I try to be positive, she shoots me down and says something negative. The few times I've raised my voice at her during an argument, she plays the victim and calls me a bastard/asshole/jerk as if I've been beating her or something. I just want her to calm down and stop being so negative and depressed all the time. I feel like I've done everything I can for her, and the rest is up to her to fix, but she won't do anything. She's just too comfortable being sad and waiting for other people to fix her life for her.Her attitude is just making me really disillusioned in our relationship, and I'm starting to think a break up would be better. She didn't cry before I came along, and now she cries all the time. I try to talk to her and be there for her, she just yells at me and tells me that "I don't understand her." I don't want to leave her in this state, but I'm starting to feel like it would be the best thing to do for both of us.I'm sorry this was much longer than I had intended, but I just need some advice please
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a break, depressed, flowers, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 good for you ghostchild. i think you have handled it well. this won't change things like magic overnight obviously but you have made a great start. i hope she gets the help she needs and applies herself to it. if she goes into therapy there is still the element of having to help herself, the therapist cannot do it all for her. i think as long as your girlfriend knows that you will not allow her to walk all over you anymore, it will help the both of you
best wishes
x
A
male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (13 October 2011):
GhostChild is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi all, thanks everyone for your replies
She was really bad lately, had a bad night last night because she had an argument with one of her friends, then she went off on a rant and took it out on me.
So today I sat her down and had a calm and peaceful talk with her. I told her that I love her and I hate to see her so upset all the time, but I told her that I can only help her so much. I told her that I feel her negativity is really bringing me down and hurting our relationship and that I think she should see someone who can help her.
At first she got really angry and it started to turn into a fight, but I told her that I can't stay with her unless changes are made. I told her that I would help her all I could but I can't be a sounding board for all of her problems, and that I have my own problems too and that I don't feel like she's there for me when I need.
She's been really upset all day and has actually acknowledged that it is a problem and she can't expect me to fix everything for her, but she's still pretty peeved. Basically she said she just needs a bit of space and time to sort her issues out.
She's going to spend the weekend at her parent's house, which is good since her mum normally knows how to get through to her.
I'm a bit nervous as to whether or not any changes will be made, but I feel better about getting everything out in the open, so the ball is in her court now I guess. If nothing changes then I guess I won't have much choice then to leave, but I'm hoping that she will make those changes.
Thankyou all again for responding!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): Something is wrong with her that is much deepers. If she isn't depressed, then she has some sort of other problem that goes far beyond your help.
She needs to see a professional therapist. You are not a therapist! It sounds like you do a great job trying to help, but your help will not be enough because something else is going on. This isn't something you can fix.
Also being this way is making her toxic. She focuses on her issues but cannot focus on you! If you have a problem, she's not there. That is not a healthy relationship.
She needs to find help for herself, work on herself, rely on herself to get better. You can surely support her effort, but she has to do it for her and only she can do it. A professional will help her find the way, but it is up to her.
Unfortunately, you're going to have to be straight with her. Tell her you love her, but her negativity is an obsticle to your relationship. Say that you are there for her, but can't be her therapist. Offer to help her find help, but tell her that if she wants your relationship to progress she must start working on her negative attitude.
It will be hard, she might get angry, but if she won't do it then you can't help her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 October 2011):
 If you are not feeling loved and nurtured (and clearly you are not)
deep sigh the pain of ripping the band-aid off will be brief and then life goes on...
yeah I think she's sucking you dry and is not giving back what she's taking...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2011): If you really are treating her in the angelic and patient way that you describe, then she clearly needs to get professional help.However, I have to say that I was in a similar "sounding" situation with my ex, who would probably have described me in this way but who was also a very serious binge drinker with no sense of boundaries and who treated me like utter crap.Yes, I had problems but he really did pull me down by treating me like dirt - part of the problem was, however, that to the outside world he was an absolute charmer and people literally did not believe me when I tried to tell them the truth. The more that it went on, the more we became co-dependent. It was me who ended it and, miraculously, almost all of my 'problems' - especially the one about getting a lot of colds like your girlfriend - disappeared.During the time that we were together, yes, he did some great things that, on the surface, were lovely - taking me to Paris, buying me clothes now and again. But this was far from being the whole story and the amount of support that I gave to him far outweighed what I was receiving.Maybe you are genuinely trying to help her, but ask yourself in any case why you were so drawn to someone who was quite clearly vulnerable - were you hoping to rescue her in order to feel more manly and, when she hasn't responded to your particular ways, you are angry with her?Whatever, the situation will not improve by your staying together without some form of help. She needs professional help,and you have to decide if you can support her whilst she gets it - but to be fair I would not be critical of her and put her down - it seems like you are indeed losing patience and starting to almost rule her out as a "basket case"...one significant thing is that her parents and family seem totally irresponsible in regard to helping her - they are all too ready to label her as 'dramatic', which is one way of saying "we can't be bothered to help you" and this indicates that this has been going on for a long time, maybe since the childhood in which she was bullied.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 October 2011):
 Holy crap! Angel is right. You cannot fix her. You cannot save her, and you are not responsible for her happiness or unhappiness.
Maybe you're so used to this treatment, but I've gotta tell you...if a guy drove 800km to see me on my birthday, I'd feel *really* special that he made the trip, that if he had a flat tire that made him an hour late, I'd just be grateful that he made it the rest of the way!
She is responsible for her actions. She needs to get help for her depression, and there's no excuse for comparing you to other people's boyfriends and treating you like she does.
Seriously? Leave her now. It's not working out for either of you, and she's sucking the life out of you. I guarantee that if you find another woman (hopefully locally this time!), you'll be amazed at how much better you're treated!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (11 October 2011):
ew - high maintenance! she needs to get counselling to get to the root of her problems and to fix them. SHE has to do the fixing though, not sit around waiting for you or anyone else to make everything all right, coz you can't. and she needs to realise this! she obviously has issues - poor self esteem - thinking she is ugly, thinking she is unpopular with friends (which is actually now happening because they must be getting sick of her too, as are her family) the more people she pushes away with her attitude, the more she is gonna need you and will become more clingy, so if you are hoping things are gonna improve - you're wrong.
like i said, she needs to at least TRY to get help. if she refuses to do that - you're screwed. she also would benefit from getting a job. you say she is very picky about the jobs she wants and this is again probably due to her lack of self confidence, she finds excuses to avoid getting out there in case she is not liked by people.
and while the 'Bretts and the Lukes of this world' are great at providing romantic gestures and flowers, they might well have caved if faced with the same pressure that you have been under - i suggest you remind her of this next time she starts running you down.
this girl is gonna drag you down and make you as despressed as she is. you need to be tough. stop being that doormat who she knows she can shout at, answer back. if she calls you a bastard jerk for doing so then so what? she KNOWS why you retaliate, but she will never admit that you are in the right.
i suggest you read up on borderline personality disorder, narcissism and even premenstrual tension disorders so that you are educated about what you could be dealing with here. being nice is not the way to go, it will just allow her to tread you further into the ground and will ultimately not help her either.
she is acting like a bitch but it is not as simple as that, her mind must be a really painful and sometimes scary place for her. i don't really believe that she never cried before you came along, i think this is what she wants you to believe, to shift the 'blame' onto you.
in summary though, she needs to help herself
x
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