A
male
age
18-21,
*rBrightside90
writes:Hello guys,I've got a big issue here. I don't have a clue how to deal with it, my girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months now, we had a break once and she kind of cheated on me then, Anyway I got over that part, she really needed me in her life. But I dont know, I can't take it any more, She is very very anorexic, and I would love to help her, but I can't say a thing to make her more happy. She keeps saying how much of a support I am in her life, she even told me I'm probably the reason why she is still alive.I love that girl so much but I dont know, her behaviour makes me very sad. Sometimes were just fooling around, doing some sex stuf, and then suddenly she starts to cry. She has all sorts of weird ideas, for instance; I am a bad guy when I try to make her eat dinner or stuff. It just makes me very sad, and she refuses professional aid. She thinks professional aid is for failures, she is determined to deal with her eating disorder her way. Anyway I don't know what to do. I'm just very scared. Sometimes I just cry a lot when she is gone. I always try to stay strong just for her sake, but when she's not around it's tearing me apart.With love,Dejan
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female
reader, sofiamorgan  +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Dejan
Having seen two of my closest friends go through anorexia I know just how heartbreak and gut wrenching it is to see them go through it.
It is time for you to give her some tough love as that is what is going to get her through this. This anorexia is not your problem. I know you care and I know that you want to help but you msut remember that YOU are NOT responsible for her or for anything she is doing/not doing.
Your responsibility to HER is to be honest and be up front and to be yourself. Perhaps the best thing for you to do is to share any worries, concerns, observations that you either see or hear about with an adult. The best thing tht you can do (and I know it is so tough to hear this) is to avoid all tempetation to cousel your gf the best the you can do is to be there as a friend/bf.
I know (having experience this myself) that there is such a longing to do more but try not to and focus on being honest with an adult who can help her to address the situation. If you keep going on at her (not saying that you are now but in the future) then the liklihood is that you will end up feeling frustrated/ feel as if you are being pushed away.
I hope that this makes some sense to you, please message me if you would like to talk things through further.
All the best to you and your gf.
A
female
reader, sofiamorgan +, writes (2 March 2009):
Dejan
Having seen two of my closest friends go through anorexia I know just how heartbreak and gut wrenching it is to see them go through it.
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A
male
reader, MrBrightside90 + ♥, writes (2 March 2009):
MrBrightside90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all thank you all for all your advice, I really felt better when i read it all. So everyone, including me agrees that she should see a therapist. But i dont know how, her parents dont know either. They want to put her at an eating disorder clinic. I dont know if this is a very good idea, I read stuff about clinics like that, they are mainly focused on reaching a certain weight. I really think she needs to get good psychological help, but she refuses. If she wont get help for her own sake i just cant bare to see her die. Im just watching her struggle with something she cant beat, ever. Its sucking the life out of her, she s a very fun girl, but when shes not eating, she is always tired. Its just like a living dead.I just think ill have a good chat with her, make her realize getting professional help is not for failures, believe me this will be the hardest task i have yet to fulfill.and again, thanks !
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (2 March 2009):
 It is probably time for tough love. She needs professional help, and it is not a sign of failure to ask for it. In fact, it is a sign of great strength to acknowledge when a problem is larger than oneself. The failure is the one who DOESN'T ask for help.
If I were you, I would tell her that I love and care about her, but that I cannot be with her until she gets professional help. She is slowly killing herself, and you cannot bear to watch it.
Unfortunately, in life we come across situations that no matter how much we love someone, we cannot fix their problem for them. They have to get professional help, that's all there is to it. It is not a personal failure on your part, nor is it cruel of you to do this. You have to take care of your own self and your own health and well-being too. Her illness originates in her thought processes, and it is unlikely that she'll be able to 'fix' things on her own, as she will sabotage her own attempts at the cure. Professional help is called for here.
I would make sure that you tell your parents about this concern; they may have some wisdom and support to provide to you.
Lying, covering this up, is not an option, she is at risk of seriously damaging her health; don't help her do that.
Be brave and strong and do the right thing. You know what that is, okay?
All the best to you and her.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 + ♥, writes (2 March 2009):
 You need to make her see that professional help is the only way to solve her problem. When she says she wants to deal with it herself - this is part of the anorexia talking. Anorexia is very much about control - the illness normally comes from feeling out of control in life so they try and gain some control back by controling their eating.
She is battling with herself and this illness to try and take control - but she cannot do this. The first step is for her to realise she is ill, and that she needs help. This is what is normally described as "hitting rock bottom". Some anorexics get to this point by themselves, others never feel that way and it takes family and friends to intervene.
Have you spoke with her parents about this? This is too much for you to deal with on your own and her parents will be concerned too, therefore if you all work together you may be able to get somewhere.
You are not a bad guy for trying to get her to eat but at the same time that wont help her, it will only make her more determined not to eat. Eating has to be something she wants to do for herself.
You are very brave for staying so strong for her and you are already helping her just by being in her life. Keep thinking about how much you love her and how she will get better one day, and this should help you to keep going.
Make sure you speak to her parents/family and try and work with them to get her better, this is the only way you will be able to achieve anything.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, satindesire +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Dejan, unfortunately, the advice you're going to get here will be all the same. We cannot help you help your girlfriend. She needs to go see a therapist.
Anorexia kills hundreds of people a year. She WILL eventually die if she doesn't get professional help. Unfortunately, it's now your job to do some tough love and tell her that she HAS to go seek counseling. She CANNOT beat anorexia by herself, she simply does not have the resources and knowledge that a therapist will have.
I know you don't want your girlfriend to starve herself to death, but she will unless she gets help, NOW.
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A
female
reader, mee x +, writes (2 March 2009):
 Wow you are a strong guy, with a very difficult problem. So she will not get profesional help? Maybe you have to make her get help, her anorexia needs to be sorted before you can decide on anything else i must say. You could get a proffesional to come and see her whilst your with her, maybe at her home or yours, maybe then she will be able to talk and they can solve her problem. You need to tell her that you are upset by her problem, if you are not able to talk to her maybe after her disorder is sorted it may not be a good idea to be together, then again it may bring you closer.
good luck and i hope my advise has helped.
amy
x
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