A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this girl for about a year and everything is good for the most part, except for when she gets angry or upset about something. We are both in our forties so it shouldn't be attributed to immaturity, but it sure seems that way. For the record, we don't live together but live our lives independently due to our busy work schedule involving occasional travel.Here's the deal: when she gets angry or upset with me, or if something doesn't go her way, she literally will not return phone calls or respond to texts. She will leave me hanging in the dark, and she could be sick or whatever and I wouldn't even know it! Whenever there is a tiff, it's always about something innocuous, like recently when I told her that I wouldn't be able to join her on a one day getaway for some event she wanted to attend. I was extremely tired from work and told her up front that I was burned out from and need a day to recover. She still asked me to go the day of but I didn't respond in time since I wasn't home. She has since not spoken to me or replied to any of my texts. She just puts me on ignore and makes me wonder! She also lambasted me when I told her I wasn't going to go, that this was special to her, I'm just like other men...etc.What kind of person resorts to this type of behavior? It seems highly immature and manipulative. She has done it before but always comes around. I feel like she's testing me a lot for some reason. My approach is to be upfront and always keep an open line of communication; she on the other hand hibernates a lot and seems to have more of a spontaneous streak about meeting up.I just feel like she's disrespecting me by ignoring my attempts to get in contact with her, and she knows that it gets to me. She obviously plays games, but what kind of person plays games like this at this stage in life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question.......I'm definitely not okay with her inflicting torment and pain on my soul, but the episodes never last that long except for this time around. I think that she's "over me" for whatever reason. She said that she's tired of always doing what I want to do, which is kind of funny because whenever I suggest something she always replies with a less than enthusiastic demeanor. So I'm done suggesting places to go out to eat or whatever. She is very high maintenance in a way, even though she claims she's not.
We get along great in the bedroom or when we're affectionate with each other; however, a couple of days apart from one and other and I feel like we're strangers sometimes. I think that our relationship has run its course and we need to move on. Going to miss that beautiful face and affection tho....big time! Oh well. C'est la vie.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): She keeps doing this because you keep the relationship going the way she wants. You reinforce her behavior by making it work for her. If it didnt work at all she wouldnt still be doing it. You cannot make someone else change, the only person you can change is yourself.
You don't have to keep responding to her manipulations in the same old tired way you always have. You can simply ignore her and thereby take away her power. Eventually she will either change herself if she wants to keep you badly enough, or she will leave you to find another poor sob she can be herself around without changing and who she can more easily control. Either will be to your benefit.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Well you could change your relationship status to be friends with benefits only. That way you can still have great sex with her but have no other ties or obligations to her thus her emotional manipulations have no leg to stand on. As FWB you would not be expected to call or talk or spend time together. It does sound like the better approach to be honest since the plus of this relationship is the good sex but that's about it and the rest is crap. So why not change the relationship to where there isnt anything else to it required besides the sex. Of course she probably wont agree to this arrangement since she is selfish she wants a boyfriend to cater to her and be tied down to her. But you don't have to go along anymore you can tell her you want to break up but are happy to be FWB then the ball is in her court to accept either the FWB situation or just have nothing to do with each other from now on.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 What kind of person does this? A person who has tantrums and holds her breath until she turns blue, call the wahmbulance.
If you are okay with being emotionally manipulated by the silent treatment, then the relationship may survive. If you want a relationship based on solid communication and mutual understanding, well, you have some work ahead of you. Is she willing to try to work on the communication? Yes? Great, off you go, have some open and deep and mutually understanding conversations.
No? Well, I guess you need to decide what level of this you'll tolerate.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 March 2013):
 Then why stay, if you cannot change it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Em...twice a year where she completely shuts me off, and 10X per year when she does the soft "no contact" deal, or sarcastic remarks to get me going. It's a "no contact light", like Bud light, or decaf, or a Starbucks Mocha latte with only two pumps of chocolate syrup instead of four. Not quite but still....
The undercurrent of her fickle tendencies and ability to go into blow-you-off mode always loom right underneath the surface. I feel it.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 March 2013):
Once or twice a year!!!! The way you put it across, it sounded like your GF was like this all the time!!!
Think you have painted a bad picture of her tbh...
Once ot twice a year!...that's funny.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Em....lol! yep....great observation, since it was a stalemate indeed. This usually happens once or twice a year, but she always comes back around because of our strong passionate and physical connection. At least we have that going for us which kind of works out since we're both independent and strong willed by nature.
thanks
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 March 2013):
From everything you have said about her, it's clear to see that you are not compatible. Life is too short to waste time arguing and getting upset by someone you have so many disagreeing factors with.
Relationships are only worth holding on to where there is respect, trust, love and kindness for eachother. So many people fear being alone or having to go through the process of meeting someone else that they stay in bad relationships for years and years. If you are not the sort of person who doesn't like conflict, why are you with her?
You know you will never change her don't you...so if there is something worth staying for, then it's your call.
I had to smile a little as I imagine you are like two children in a playground with their backs turned to eachother and scowling...neither prepared to back down or walk away...you could compromise, but neither of you will...so it's stalemate.
Isn't it annoying when something you hoped would work out, doesn't....you're problem has only one solution...and you know what that is :-(
Em
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): You should break up with her. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is selfish, manipulative/controlling and passive aggressive. People like her may have a great fear of direct confrontation and conflict. They dont' know how to resolve disagreements and conflicts in a healthy and non-hostile way. Therefore they try to avoid conflict at all cost even though they are still mad at you. Since she's angry but doesn't want or know how to deal with it openly in a healthy non-hostile way, stonewalling and giving the silent treatment and pouting and guilt tripping is the only way she knows to deal with it in hopes of bringing about a resolution except such people are also often selfish so to them a "resolution" means one outcome only which is getting what they want.You should call her out on her behavior, and then stop responding to it. If she wants to stonewall you, don't go groveling to her trying to get her to stop ignoring you. Contact her once and tell her that if she refuses to engage in a healthy way to resolve conflicts, then this relationship is over. She may be in her 40s but age has nothign to do with it. My mother in law is in her 60s and is like this too - passive aggressive, giving the silent treatments all the time...she controls the entire extended family this way to get what she wants, everything revolves around her wishes. My husband and I only realized this about 5 years ago (we been married 18 years) and we have stopped playing into it. which means she is often angry at us these days and often giving us the silent treatment and accuses us of being selfish and uncaring, but we dont' care, we are sick and tired of always having to give in to her wishes and never having our wishes respected. Such relationships are completely one-sided, as is your relationship with your girlfriend and that's what makes it unhealthy. My father in law has been married to her for 45 years and he is still totally controlled by her, but that's his choice, he is a doormat by nature so he doesn't mind. But if you're not a doormat you would not do well in such a relationship. You mention dysfunctional marriages. All it takes for a relationship to be dysfunctional is for one of the people in it to be dysfunctional on their own regardless of who they are with. that is her. She's dysfunctional, she wants a relationship that is completely one-sided (geared toward her), so you're in a dysfunctional relationship. Like I said, if you were also dysfunctional like being a doormat (such as my father in law is) then it might work. But since you're emotionally healthy and not a doormat, this relationship will not work.Her behavior is learned and reinforced by her past and present experiences. Somewhere along the way she LEARNED that being passive aggressive and manipulative gets her what she wants. So it became a habit or her preferred way of dealing with others. At some point you probably also were guilty of reinforcing it by caving into her and rewarding her for being like this. Well you can't make her change, but you can call her out on it and then leave it up to her if she wants to change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for all your answers. We did talk the other day in the public venue, but she ended up walking out on me as I stood my ground. She doesn't like to be confronted and talk things over, but instead blames it all on me by calling me selfish for not going along with her plans the other day; I gave her ample notice that I wouldn't attend her function, but she apparently didn't like my answer.I now have to suffer while she "proves" that she has the ability to "write you off" if she feels like you are double crossing her. Very immature.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 March 2013):
 She sounds utterly passive-aggressive and honestly a little self centered.
I would actually TALK to her about this face to face, not over text or phone but in person.
It's kind of like dating a possessed yo-yo when all is good it's good, but when they get mad you never know what you get.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@AuntyEm, & person12345
Thank so much for imparting your take on this dilemma. A lot of what you mentioned in your response is spot on and I sort of came to the same conclusion. She definitely likes things to go her way--don't we all?--which can be attributed to this sense of entitlement that she has as the result of "working so hard" and "being under a lot of stress". She is a pleasure seeker as far our relationship is concerned. In other words, I'm beholden to her for sex, passionate kissing, company, etc. when it suits her schedule.
AuntyEm......I give her the same treatment all the time, not to mention putting her in her place when she deploys her cold shoulder strategy. This must be the reason why she keeps on coming back. She claims to be level headed and not of the jealous persuasion, but when she found out that I was talking to a mutual female friend a while back she called me up and excoriated me for trying to get to her friends. It was totally uncalled for because it was just casual conversation.
We definitely have a great thing going from an intimate and physical angle. As soon as we spend time apart though we tend to botch up our lines of communication. It's really weird.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 March 2013):
There are a lot of people around who resort to this type of behaviour. Some just want to avoid and argument and want to wait for the dust to settle, others use it as a kind of punishment.
Some people are just used to getting their own way and it so easy to turn off the phone and ignore e-mails and such, but you are right, it is a bit immature and very annoying.
If she is the type of person that needs a bit of space when problems arise then maybe the two of you should discuss that (at a time you are not in conflict). If she identifies the need, then you can pretty much leave her 'in her cave' and wait for her to surface.
(this kind of behaviour is mentioned in the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus...but the behaviour is attributed to men (who are natural problem solvers)...is it so unusual for a woman to also be like this?...nope)
If she says she is just doing it to wind you up, then you might have to re-evaluate the whole relationship because it could be that you are non compatible.
All relationships have their ups and downs and sometimes you have to call someone's bluff. If you think she is doing the 'cold shoulder' treatment, maybe turn the tables and ignore her right back.
If you go running everytime she goes AWOL,it gives her enourmous power over you...try ignoring her...see how long before she comes running to you.
Best of luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@empty-1
Your answer doesn't make a lot of sense if you factor in the number of dysfunctional marriages and the high divorce rate. I think being single is the sane and right thing to do for most people. statistics don't lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013):
I agree totally with person 12345 , I too had a friend who is very much like her friend and your partner .. And I too had to discontinue the friendship after 22 years of all the poo ( i was a very forgiven person ) however after having young children I realised that if I didn't jump, hop or skip to whatever drum my friend was playing . She would do the silent treatment . I got sick of her antics as I'm pretty sure( if aunt already you will ). Can you see yourself being married to someone who doesn't communicate and who puts all the blame on you and does the silent treatment ..
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male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
In her forties and still single. Wonder why? Not anymore.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (12 March 2013):
 Ah the passive aggressive partner. I had a friend like your girlfriend awhile ago, she eventually managed to alienate every single one of her friends because we all got tired of her silent treatment at even the smallest slight.
I think your best bet is to go to a couples counselor and take a crash course in how to deal with conflict. Essentially to teach her that the correct way to deal with conflict in a relationship is to TALK about it, otherwise what will get accomplished?
Passive aggressive behavior IS manipulative because what she is doing is attempting take 100% control of the situation and scare you into groveling. I think you should give her a chance to reform, but honestly that kind of behavior would drive me completely up the wall, so if she doesn't change after some counseling and time and you don't want to put up with it anymore, don't.
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