A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend and i are in college together. lately we've been having problems related to her family. her parents both come from large families, and each of them was one of at least four siblings, so she has tons of cousins, many with their own families and children, and even her grandparents and their siblings are part of this. basically, she has a HUGE family.the problem is coming up when we make plans to go on a date, or hang out, or do anything non-classwork-related together. (we are in some classes together so we do make study time together and such) her family is one of these families where they're ALWAYS doing something. there's always a family gathering, a wedding, a graduation, a bachelor party, a birthday party, a weekend getaway at a cabin, a baby shower, an outing requiring a babysitter... you name it, there's always some event going on. my girlfriend is basically expected to attend each and every event involving her entire extended family.to make matters worse, her family doesn't even give her advance notice. we will plan to go on a date, and at the last minute she'll get a call saying that there's a big family gathering at the lake cabin and she's going to be picked up in an hour and to be ready, or something similar. I personally think it's disrespectful. in the end she's been starting to stand me up more and more lately.she's talked to her family about this but the results were pretty bad. she said that while she loves her family, she needs some time for herself, and with her hectic college schedule and studying time she really just needs time off sometimes to do whatever she wants. immediately she was lectured for being "selfish." she got the "family comes first, boyfriends come and go but family is always there" lecture, and the whole "why would you want to tell your family to f**k off and instead see some boyfriend who is only waiting for a better girl before he dumps you?" thing. (i have NEVER EVER given her family any reason to see me this way, I am extremely faithful, and i've even given people in her family small gifts or cards when appropriate). as you can see her statement is being blown far out of proportion. this whole thing turned into her getting calls from all over the family belittling her and putting her down for being selfish and "wanting to see me rather than them". it ended in her crying pretty hard. the whole situation is putting so much undue stress on her, because on top of all that she feels horribly guilty for standing me up at all. she feels trapped and that she's going to have to let someone down and in either case she'll have to feel guilty. i am so worried for her because i am seeing it start to affect her self-esteem.her family is adamantly against counseling also, because they see it as her and my fault and refuse to in any way entertain the idea that maybe they're doing something wrong too. basically my girlfriend's only choice seems to be to dump her family or to dump me. even if she agrees to go to some but not all the events, when she goes to the ones she does go to she gets lectured about not going to the ones she didn't, so she never has a good time. i can understand why she wouldn't want to dump her family completely, and I'd never ask nor expect her to. but I don't know what to do for her and she is at a point where she wants to just withdraw from everyone. she's afraid to talk to people about it too because the friends she has told have joined right in with "but i know your family and they're so nice and i agree why would you want to not see them!". i am literally the only one who believes her (and has actually seen some of this behavior myself) and i don't know what to do or tell her to do to help her...
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female
reader, outoftime19  +, writes (31 August 2012):
You need to break up with her. This relationship is a waste of your time and if she is not mature enough to stand up to her family and more importantly, make time for you, she is not able to be in a relationship. Its a crap situation for her, but its her problem and she's making it yours.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (31 August 2012):
 Her family sound controlling. Everyone is entitled to a social life of their own. She needs to be strong and just attend those events she feels are most important. It is her family who are being selfish.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 August 2012):
 If your girlfriend has made plans, and one hour before those plans are to be put in place her extended family phone and say "we'll pick you up for blah blah" she needs to say, sorry, I'd love to but I've made plans to .....
Her family are correct in that they will always be there, while other people may not, but that doesn't mean she has to drop everything when they click their fingers. Other gatherings, such as weddings and christenings, birthdays and similar big celebrations your girlfriend should be getting plenty of prior warning, and yes, she needs to attend as many of these 'milestone' celebrations as she can.
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