A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About 3 weeks ago, my girlfriend caught me lying to her about a couple of stupid things. She's quite conservative and I lied about the things I did (which I don't think are a big deal) because I didn't want to upset her, although I do know that lying was wrong before anyone has a go at me. I've apologised to her since then and told her I understand that I shouldn't keep things from her. The problem is, she says she doesn't trust me now. She wanted a week away from me, after which she agreed to give us another chance, but now said she worries when I go out in case I'm lying to her about where I am and what I'm doing. Frankly, I don't know what else I can do. I've apologised but I feel like she keeps dragging up the past. She said she wants support and reassurance but I've already told her I won't do it again. If she doesn't trust me then what's the point?! I love her but am tired if feeling like the bad guy. Should I just cut my losses? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2015): If I were you, you seem to want to keep the relationship, do some soul searching and see why you lied and why you felt it was ok to deceive her on these things you suspected she may not approve of. Are those things that you are willing to give up if she won't accept them? If you had been honest about it she might not be struggling as much with it because lying about something breaks the trust and then you wonder what else your bf/gf may eventually lie to you about. Cheating and money are usually the deal breakers for most people. I would get down on your knees and swear to her that you will never lie to her again, ever, except if you are giving her a surprise party or something like that and then be that person, don't ever lie to her again. Once the trust is broken in a relationship it is very hard to get it back, you have to work at it if you want to.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 January 2015):
 Well, if nothing else, DID you LEARN anything from this? That lying isn't HELPING YOU or HER?
That being honest, may cause problems, but lies? They tear down trust in a heartbeat.
If your GF doesn't like you smoking hash/cannabis WHY did you think lying about it would make it better? Did you think -" What she doesn't know, can hurt me?" If so, you have a screwed up view of others. What IF she doesn't want to date a guy who smokes or let's say, do drugs (not cannabis, let's make it heroin) then LYING to her would be OK too?
A relationship isn't JUST about YOU getting and doing what YOU want.
If you CAN NOT be honest, EVEN when you do STUPID things, you will NOT be able to HAVE a decent relationship, because your PARTNERS WILL find out. Just like your GF did.
Like the going to a strip-club. Well, you went, but if you didn't DO anything seedy or "bad", she may NOT have had a problem with it, IF YOU HAD not lied. She might have been mad and disgusted, but she would have known that she can STILL trust you to be honest.... When you lie about ONE thing, HOW is she to know you don't lie ABOUT about everything? How CAN she trust you? It's like dominoes. One lie leads to another, then another to cover up the first two. And then what? THEN you truly ARE screwed!
I think you should end it. You two may not be compatible at all. YOU want to smoke hash/cannabis - she doesn't like that stuff. So not a good fit. You don't really think being out about town SO VERY drunk that you can't even REMEMBER going to a strip-club is a bad thing, SHE might. So again, not a good fit.
You are not 5 years old. You didn't get caught with your hand in the cookie jar and your mom thought it was cute that you tried to LIE your way out of it.
EVERYONE lies a little here and there, but YOU are starting to become a habitual liar. Someone who KEEPS lying to PROTECT yourself, but from what? Looking stupid? Being caught DOING stupid things? And you wonder WHY your GF got so upset? Because she doesn't know what comes out of your mouth is a lie or the truth.
LEARN to OWN your frelling actions. IF you DO something STUPID, OWN it. Even better, LEARN to THINK before you act or speak. WEIGH the consequences.
Learn from this. And sorry, buddy you ARE in the wrong in this story. End it with her, Let her go find a guy who can treat her as a FELLOW adult. If you NEED to lie constantly, at least learn to be honest with yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): OP, I advise breaking up with her since I don't think you have the same values.
In your opinion, it's ok to blatantly lie to your partner. But for her trust is fundamental.
If you don't break up over these particular lies, you will break up over something else. Honestly, let her go.
You will drive her insane with your incompatible values.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (4 January 2015):
its really simple. don't lie to her or anyone infact. if it's something you have to lie about, its just not worth it.i mean come on. if you are lying, either what you are doing is something you are guilty of or its truly cause you like what you do but she doesn't approve of it. If you like her enough to care about her feelings, you deserve someone who likes you back enough to accept the things you do. n if you are guilty, well there it is, don't do it.as for your gf, if you really like her, you're gonna have to deal with it for a while. girls have the habit of dramatizing everything by relating it to their past. don't get me wrong, guys do it too. its just more obvious and intense with girls.if she has trust issues, there's seriously something that bothers her.so you could do 2 things-either tell her that if you cant trust each other you shouldn't be togetheror if you are a guy who really means it when you say you like her, just apologizing isn't going to get you anywhere. and no, no matter what you think, its not enough. you cant really prove to someone all the time that you are telling the truth. that gets frustrating. so stop lying to her even if it comes to you by habit. if you do lie to her, immediately correct it. be honest, tell her you lied n that this is the truth. she'll see you are trying to make things right. also when you are doing something that she doesn't approve of or it upsets her, tell her you are planning to do it and you really want to n assure her that she doesn't need to be insecure.. just don't lie anymore.. its never worth the drama.every relationship needs working on. you have to get used to each other and your life styles and a little compromise here and there. you just have to decide which relationship is worth trying for.
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (4 January 2015):
 It really depends on what you lied to her about.
It may be that she needs some time to digest it and accept that you've lied. Give her some time and hopefully things will go back to normal.
If you really want to ease her mind, you may want to work a little harder. Such as, when you're out with friends, send her a picture of you and your friends, or a pic of what you're eating, doing, etc. Just one pic every so often. The key is to let her see proof before her mind starts to question. Give her a call on your way out to wherever or a call on your way home so she can 'accompany you on the ride'. Send her a short text when out and about to let her know where you are and you're thinking of her.
These require extra effort, but if you're keen on saving your relationship then give it a try. After a while, things should be back on track. If she still says she doesn't trust you, then you'd at least know you've tried.
Best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): What did you lie about?
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (4 January 2015):
OP I think you need to give her a bit more time and a lot more support to get over this. You say she keeps dragging up the past, but it's only been 3 weeks! To expect her to get over the fact you lied and for everything to be back to normal by now is not realistic. She's told you she needs reassurance, so now is the time for you to give her that. Be overly open about what you do and where you go for a while. Give up some of your freedoms willingly and show her that you are trying to prove that your actions match your words.
Finally, only do this if you are sure you are planning on changing. Lying about things that she doesn't like but you think are no big deal suggests that you are not a good match in terms of your core values. Doing these things anyway and hoping she won't find out us not a good or fair plan - either stop doing them and have an honest relationship with her, or find someone you are more compatible with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): OP here thanks for the advice. I didn't think the subject of the lies would matter so here you go. The first thing was about me smoking cannabis. I don't do it often but told her I didn't do it at all, and she found out from one of her girlfriends who saw me get thrown out of a bar for having a joint on me. The second was I told her about a night out I was on with my mates and said I'd got back at 12pm and went to bed, but I actually went to a strip club until 5am. I was drunk and don't know how we ended up in there and although we have never discussed strip clubs I didn't think she would be happy so I denied it but again she was told by someone else.
I didn't do anything bad to her or cheat or anything, and I know what I did was stupid but I just wish things could go back to normal as this has been the worst 3 weeks of my life. And to Mr Wise Owl, she's not insecure at all that's why I'm so shocked she's struggling to get over this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): I don't flip flop on my advice; so if anyone reads this and goes, oh that's not what he said the last time. My advice is relevant to the OP's question and depends on this OP's particular problem. However; my advice is meant for any reader in that situation now, or will be down the road. So now hear goes.
Lying is no way to build and maintain trust. If your mate is prone to overreacting and over-dramatizing your every mistake, they put you in the position to protect yourself.
Don't get this comment twisted. I'm going to clarify what I mean.
Some people place a great deal of pressure on their partners to consistently stroke their egos and pander to their insecurities. They wouldn't trust you unless they had you bound in chains, strapped down, and could view your every move on a hidden video camera. They'd have to have access to all your private records, and tax returns.
I do not by any means give credence to insecure fools who think trust is built on psychological-enslavement, mental-imprisonment, and the perpetual obligation of your partner to constantly prove their devotion. Only for you to hold your arrogant self-righteous nose up in the air and say that's not enough! Jackasses like that should be kicked to the curb! They need therapy! Lots of it! Regardless of gender or sexual-orientation!!!
If you know your partner doesn't trust you no matter what you do. Then you're wasting your time on someone with trust issues. Dump that person and move on.
If you're a habitual liar, and you're always spinning tales to get your ass out of trouble; she should dump YOU like a hot potato!!! Or drop-kick you like a football! Women are a lot more forgiving than we are.
You can't arbitrarily end relationships every-time someone lies to you. Human beings lie if they're trapped, or fear dire consequences. It becomes a reflex if you're used to being harshly punished for ever misstep. It's a habit or a hobby, if you're a tool!
Women don't corner the market on honesty. They lie about their age, their weight, their true hair color, and how many guys they slept with before they met you. Then they'll turn around and behave as if the entire fate of a relationship lies only in their hands; should their trust be betrayed. News flash! That goes two-ways!!! People who are too suspicious can't be trusted. They don't trust themselves and often have guilty-consciences. They have no faith in human-nature; because they fear they own weaknesses.
INSECURITY KILLS RELATIONSHIPS!!! There I go again, repeating myself!
She is going to make mistakes. She is also going to lie to you. You may catch her in lies time and time again. Ask her if she snoops through your phone or reads your messages?
She'll lie like a rug soaked in motor oil! If you ask her if she ever thought about cheating with one of your good-looking friends? She'll say no! That's a big fat lie!
If you ask her if she ever trusted anyone in her life? She'll lie about that too!
Chances are, you're one dude in a series of bygone boyfriends in other failed-relationships; being blamed for the past behavior of others. Be that the case, she never had the capacity to trust anyone to begin with. That's why you have to really evaluate a person before you commit to them. If they tell you they have "trust-issues"...run screaming for the hills with your hands over your head! They're nutcases! Don't lump them all in one category.
Listen when they talk. Think above the waist, and you'll hear.
If a woman was previously abused in a past relationship; if she never got counseling for her post traumatic stress, avoid committing to her. Shes has unresolved psychological issues due to abuse, that requires professional treatment. You cannot fix her. You can date and support her. She can't just move seamlessly into the next relationship without counseling. You have to see sure evidence of recovery.
Don't make it a practice to lie as if you're being put on the spot by your mother when you were 10 years-old. You're a grown-man! Insist that she respects that! Do not allow her to emasculate you, or condescend to you by placing you under cross-examination over stupid and irrational things. You do have a right to privacy. She isn't accounting for every tiny little thing she does either. If you have a mature-mind, you know the difference between what is important to keeping the peace and reinforcing her trust; and that which is just random knit-picking for the sake of control and intimidation. Yes, women are very capable of it; and will use it just like we do!
If you know good and well that she already knows the truth, tell the truth. Then deal with it. Don't allow any woman to use psychological-blackmail to manipulate you, and force you to account for every move you make; or allow her to count every breath you take. A woman like that is psycho! A man like that is even worse!!!
Little white lies lead to a chain of very big ones. So you should always let her know, if she can't handle the truth don't go there. They'll demand the truth; and will behave the exact same way when you tell the truth, as if she caught you in a lie. So you may as well tell the truth.
Case in point; if you're dealing with a level-headed and mature person, they will discuss the issue and you'll solve the problem. It will never come up again. If you just tell your mate what they want to hear, and dismiss their concerns? It then becomes is an unresolved issue just begging to be revisited; only the next time infused with nagging and screeching. Only because you didn't take her seriously, and she has to deal with the same old bullshit. Everybody gets sick and tired of dealing with the same-old repetitive bullshit! Screeching and nagging is mightier than the fist!
Let me also advise you about "taking breaks;" instead of discussing your problems and working them out like adults.
It's a golden opportunity for her to cheat and pretend to be innocent. She has already made up her mind to dump you, she just wants you to suffer a little first.
She is just stepping back and placing you on center-stage and shining a spotlight on you to see what you'd do when she's not around. She's going to ask all her friends have they seen you, and nonchalantly check with your friends to see who you're hanging out with. Most of your bros will know what she's up to. Do not allow them to lie on your behalf!!! Then she will use that against you. Tell your buddies if she comes around asking about you, tell her to go screw herself. Going to your friends is totally inappropriate. Then she's putting your business in the street. They'll know there's trouble in paradise, and may make a play on her vulnerability. Bros sometimes are opportunists. They will also rat you out.
I'm going to look at this from all sides.
Don't belittle her concerns. If it upset her enough to not want to talk to you, it's big to her. If you're both compatible, and mutually respectful of the others feelings and rights; you will keep an open-line of communication open, so you can talk about it and resolve your problems. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything with it's for the um-teenth time for the same reason. If you promise never to do it again, DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!! DON'T BEG FOR TROUBLE! THAT'S STUPID!
You neglected to tell us what you lied about. It was probably about masturbating and/or porn. If it's something you couldn't mention in your post; then she must have been justified to be pissed-off about you lying about it. You're lying to us by omission. So if you can't confess to people who can't see you or do anything but comment about it; then you can't come clean with her. Therefore; she has no reason to trust you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 January 2015):
I agree with Celtic.
It really DEPENDS on what you lied about.
Though I don't think 1 weeks break is going to make a difference. Either you two can work through it or you can't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): Umm, first of all you ARE the bad guy. You should break up with her so she can find someone better than you who doesn't feel the need to lie to her. You don't come across as really caring about your relationship. Instead of taking responsibility and working to fix the situation you'd rather dump her.... when it's YOUR fault you're in this situation. She just found out like 3 weeks ago??Dude, 3 weeks and you expect her to be over it by now? You seem to think just because you said "sorry" that means it's over and done and she should instantly trust you again. Wrong. You did this so now it's up to you to A) fix it and help her trust you again, patiently.... or B) let her go so she can find a man who actually cares about her and a relationship.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 January 2015):
It doesn't sound like you're compatible to me. It's probably better to not drag it out. In the long run compatibility is crucial!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (3 January 2015):
 To be honest, it depends on what you lied about.
What you don't think is a big deal, others might think is a huge thing. The fact that you did lie to her, and that fact that you KNEW she wouldn't approve about whatever it is you are fibbing about, suggests that in the long term, you have different outlooks on life and are probably not best suited.
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