A
male
age
36-40,
*23me123
writes:After seeing each other for a week, I asked my girlfriend to tell me everything about her past, as did I. Turns out we were both molested as children, and felt out of place growing up. Then she told me about her sexual partners. Her first was 37, she was 17 at the time. There were others, but, for some reason, I seem to be fixated on her first. They 'dated' for 5 months(he never took her out, they were just lovers). He then dumped her for her 19 year old friend. A few months later, she tells me that she continued seeing him for a further 3 years, as a 'hump buddy'. She hasn't been with him in 2 years, and hadn't slept with anyone for a year before we met. She says her reason for falling for him, and continuing to see him, was that she was lonely. I'm angry, at him, for what he did to her, and confused at how she could carry on with him for so long, knowing full well that she was being used. Every time I think about it , my heart aches. When I think I'm over it, she will let something slip, and the pain will start again. She tells me that it was nothing, and that its in the past, that I should just forget about it, but I cant seem to let it go. She is a year older than me, and my first(hopefully last:-)) girfriend, I lost my virginity to her, I care deeply for her and we plan to get married soon.I guess I'm asking for help on letting it go. She is totally devoted to me, though has suggested that I'm risking losing her if I dont drop it. I'm going to be out of the country fo 6months, so I dont want this to eat me up!
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female
reader, laurie-loo  +, writes (28 May 2007):
 i think your girlfrend is lucky to have such a loving caring boyfriend like you.i think its lovely you care that much about her and feel for what happend to her in the past, but on the other hand like it is and always will be the past. your girlfreind got hurt by someone and she probably just wants to let this go. think of it this way, you are with her now and it seems to me your just the right person for her. concentrate on your relationship instead of the one which she had with someone else and things should be fine. you can give her all the love she was deprived of before and treat her like a princess :) Trust me, She will be so happy to have someone like you. but wants to let her past go. xxx
A
female
reader, Maureen  +, writes (26 May 2007):
Hi! Oh! You don't have to bother about the past because you couldn't do anything about it. You don't have a timemachine and go back and erase the happenings. =) All you've got to do is that you continue on with what you have with your girlfriend and be happy. Cherish every moments and have fun. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (26 May 2007):
 Her past is her business, and you need to let it go. You're making her relive bad memories instead of moving on, and she doesn't deserve that. Just concentrate on the here and now, and a bright future together.
DV1
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A
female
reader, candy00s +, writes (26 May 2007):
 This is in your girlfriends past, and she cant undo what has already happened.
Your probably fixating on this because she was your first, and you would have liked to have been hers.
Stop thinking about this try and let it go - or risk losing her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): The problem here isn't that your girlfriend has a past, but rather you don't have one. You point the blame at her ex, but it takes two to have a relationship - even just a sexual one. Sadly partners, often women, like to play the victim when they have these kind of sexual encounters but then go on to meet a man such as yourself. They do it because they don't want to feel dirty or ashamed for what they now see as a mistake. But the fact remains, if she wasn't happy having sex with him during their relationship, then she wouldn't have done it. Give her some credit, she has a brain, she can decide who she wants to have a relationship with and she chose to be a "hump buddy". That kind of relationship was one that she chose to have at that stage of her life.I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but for you to deal with this is to understand that she had sex with someone in those circumstances and that she was not "used" at all, not even if that is the words she uses to describe that relationship to you now. Sex was sex for her, and her past was down to what she wanted.That is what you need to let go. That a women who you love and care for, and see as a wife, had that kind of a relationship. She was inexperienced, hadn't found love, but has it now with you. You will loose her, if you don't let it go, but you know that. Most importantly, this is not your girlfriends issue to deal with - it is yours alone. If it continues to trouble you, if those thoughts, images and emotions are getting too much then you need to speak to a counsellor about it. Do not talk to your girlfriend because each time, it will erode how she thinks you see her. There are certainly men who would not let her past affect how they see her now and it is that kind of man who she wants to be with.
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A
female
reader, 04jrees +, writes (25 May 2007):
 ok hun. it seems like your a very caring person and you obviously love this woman very much. You say you want to 'drop it' implying that you want to forget it and be ok with it. You cant just ignore it because the fact is..its never going to go away.You need to get closure in some way. tell your girlfriend how you feel about it all. make sure she is 100% okay and at ease with it. let her know that its never gong to be like that ever again and that she is safe with you. no matter how much time goes by, she is still going to have emotional demons with closeness and other things. just think what a great you have lead her into in her life. she is so lucky to have a guy like you and i bet she knows it so just remind her how ,uch of a good guy you are and always make sure she knows she's safe and you will feel better too. hope this helped. XxXxX
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