A
male
age
26-29,
*ohnny Rotten
writes:Hello,My gf and I have been together for more than 8 yrs. There have been ups and downs but never any really really serious arguments. As a person, she is far far better than me. Patient, kind, loving, forgiving, quiet, loyal - she is very much a 'biblical' type of woman. A great cook, I could go on about her qualities as a person for some time.However what has always frustrated me during our relationship is that she is not very 'glamourous'. She doesn't pay much attention to making herself attractive. She doesn't wear sexy clothes or fix her hair. The result is that I am attracted to other women. My gf is also quite a bore in bed - nothing interesting in ten years. Just dissatisfaction and frustration on my part. We have sex less than 20 times per year and when we do,its not good so frankly I hardly even bother. So now, I have several online relationships which can even lead into something more. I'm always going out by myself I guess looking for other girls and I do have interests. But then again I feel that there are other girls who know I have a gf and find it odd that I'm always out alone - they probably think I'm a pig.I guess my problem point is that I know deep down that the qualities my gf possesses are indeed rare. But is that worth a lifetime of sexual frustration? Do you see any hope in this?Regards,Johnny Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, tux + ♥, writes (13 March 2008):
 You need to ask yourself if her other qualities make up for her lack of in the bed qualities. You may be able to find someone out there with better bed qualities but find their other qualities lacking. Is it worth the risk for you? If it's not you may want to work with what you got and maybe see if you can communicate more to her about it. If it is, then you may have to let go and continue on.
Remember,
"Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight, gotta kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight." -Bruce Cockburn
Take that however you wish to take it.
~tux
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): q1605 is so right, from a female perspective - it really puts a damper on things if you don't feel desired. The way that you put it in your post implies you don't really hide how you feel about how she looks. That means she will easily be able to tell that you don't find her sexually attractive and the more she sees that, the more she will clam up and the less confident she will be to open up.
She is such a nice and sweet person that I bet she feels sex is a bit wrong, too. Perhaps it is to do with her upbringing - you haven't really indicated that here but I would be willing to bet on that. She probably needs a LOT of confidence to feel sexy. Have you been able to talk to her about it? I bet that would be a trial, but a worthy one.
I am not the shiest person and I do have a lethal sex drive - I need it daily usually - but despite this, but I still am quite shy about saying what I want in bed. If I'm shy about it, she is definitely shy about it.
Something I did which might be a fun idea is to find some kind of love/sex quiz which asks your sexual history, likes/dislikes etc. Answering it together might well be fun and enlightening - you are very likely to be shocked at what she has behind her Saintly personality! ;)
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (11 March 2008):
 I have spent no small amount of time in my life not being on the same page as my significant other. I have been very patient with them and had long heartfelt discussions ranging from spicing things up in bed to not liking their style in make up or how they like to fix themselves before they go out or just to hang around the house. I think that even the gentlest of souls when it is residing in a woman chaffs at being asked or hinted at to dress different act different be more passionate etc. Women either by design or driven by the subconscious have more natural contrariness than any four mules I've ever had the chance to be acquainted with. They may not dig their heels in and fight, but for me the minute I start the open lines of honest and forthright communication I have begun to lose ground. I am not about to advocate deception or manipulation because that is not how you should take this. But you know this woman better than any other person. If you want her to be some place or some way, you have to go there and reach back and help her to come closer to where you are at. Don't expect her to be exactly what you are hoping for but it's not a stretch to get her more like you want. If your sex lacks passion don't tell her the way you want it to be. Be the way you want it to be and let her feel your passion and make her want to feel it too and meet you out there in the middle. When you slide between the sheets think about how good that pussy is gonna be and I know its good because its pussy. And tell her about it. " Man your gonna get it tonight. Ya wanna know how I know? cuz I'm gonna give it to you..... get your pumpkin butt in her and come get some." Or what ever reflects your style. Focus all that you desire from her and just think about that hot body and just do her. Or if she is more sedate just slowly foreplay her into a frenzy. Slow long kisses. Turn her completely on and then don't no for it yet.
If you are decent at giving oral sex go down there and work her over.If giving oral is something that you haven't mastered ...master it. Rock her fucking world. If you do what ever it is that blows her skirt up she'll pay you back. If you blow her doors off the first time and she just is done over and doesn't respond in kind the first night don't worry. It's a zero sum game. You give more here she'll come along and pay back there. Make her so hot she can't stand up without fainting. You know what makes sex so good. You know why you like it so much. Show her why sex is so incredible. If you don't know what makes her tick find out. Soft slow....hard fast bend her around like a pretzel or gently hold her face and kiss her softly. Have enough passion for the both of you until she's on board and I have a feeling she will surprise the shit out of you. You are sort of implying that she doesn't like sex or there are things she would rather be doing. Now I really have yet to meet somebody that honestly does not like sex. There's a freak in there waiting for to be liberated. If you show her how hot she makes you just by her mere presence next to you in bed you can start showing her how much fun it is to be out with her. Don't as much as let her bend over and tie her shoe without letting her know how dangerous it is for her to do that in public because you can't be held responsible for your actions if she keeps bending over. Its ok you can hold it till you get home then all bets are off. She getting some of what you gave her last night. I know it sounds corny but look at the bottom line. Treat her like the hottest piece of ass you've ever seen and she might start acting like the hottest piece of ass you've ever seen. It's OK to objectify a woman you've known for 10 years. I don't know her but she sounds a lot like a woman. I've never net a woman who couldn't be brought to at rolling boil applying the right heat at the right place and the right time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): when you find someone who's awesome in bed, you will think of your gf and wish you'd never let her go. beautiful qualities in a person are worth so much more..sex without the person that u truly love is worthless.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
 My primary thought here is that, by about the age of 25 or so, people rarely change much. Some do change some behaviors for one reason or another, but I have also seen many revert back to however they were before. For what it's worth. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
 She may be a rare gem full of grace, glory and a great cook but I believe she is all wrong for you and sealing this relationship with a marital vow when you have already begun to recognize the areas where you are unsatisfied is a sure way to end up miserable and later divorced. You are incompatible and it's not going to change after the wedding. My guess is, she was probably raised to believe sex is dirty, wrong or un-bibilical. And you will be hard pressed to ever change her viewpoints, since you've already been with her 10 years and it hasn't changed so far. My advise is to let this rare woman go back to where she came from, and you should focus on finding a woman that enjoys doing the same things you do, including raunchy, wild sex. You're too young to settle.
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A
female
reader, Basschick + ♥, writes (10 March 2008):
She may be a rare gem full of grace, glory and a great cook but I believe she is all wrong for you and sealing this relationship with a marital vow when you have already begun to recognize the areas where you are unsatisfied is a sure way to end up miserable and later divorced. You are incompatible and it's not going to change after the wedding. My guess is, she was probably raised to believe sex is dirty, wrong or un-bibilical. And you will be hard pressed to ever change her viewpoints, since you've already been with her 10 years and it hasn't changed so far. My advise is to let this rare woman go back to where she came from, and you should focus on finding a woman that enjoys doing the same things you do, including raunchy, wild sex. You're too young to settle.
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (10 March 2008):
 Have you even told her any of this? Why don't you just suggest things to spice up the sex? maybe you should try harder, things aren't going to change if you don't tell her what your feeling.
But If your going to cheat without even fighting for your relationship, then that's fine but at least split with her first, don't you think she at least deserves that if she's such a wonderful person?
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