A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, I am utterly shocked at the moment and need someone to help me clarify what happened. I have been in a friends with benefits relationship with another woman (both girls) for a few months now. Things have been amazing!! Sex was intensely phenomenal and we both always wanted it all the time. There were never any problems - until last night. I went over there to spend the night and we both drank. She had a big head start on me, so therefore, she was way more intoxicated than I was. Come the end of the night, when it came time to have sex, we started, and about 30 minutes in, she started saying things that had me a bit concerned for her well-being. She first started talking about seeing birds in the house in the middle of sex. I was like, what?? But just shrugged it off. But then she kept saying other really odd things, and it finally came to a head when she started talking about Christmas presents. That's when I decided it may be best to just let her sleep, as I thought she clearly didn't know what was going on and I'm not that kind of person. Also, she has confessed to me on multiple occassions that she has been taken advantage of while in a state like that. And so I did NOT want to be lumped in that category. When I stopped, we both laughed at the situation at first, but then instantly she switched and got pissed!she started saying that I rejected her and how she feels like an idiot because she clearly wanted sex and I didn't and I rejected her. I tried to explain that wasn't the case at all, as I always want her. I just had been worried about her well-being. I was just trying to do the right thing. She stayed mad and stormed out of the room, not letting me touch her. She finally came back in and hammered away at me again, saying that I was never going to get to touch her in that way again and that I had ruined it. And that the loss was inconsequential to her because all I am is just a fuck anyway, so there was no real loss. All these things hurt me because her and I are also friends! We never treated each other just like a piece of meat. I tried to reason with her, but to no prevail. I got up and left this morning and we haven't spoken since. Wtf happened?? I'm truly at a loss. I thought I did the right thing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): Well last update. Sorry for all the updates. We talked today and what she said reallllly caught me off guard. Not sure how I feel about it at the moment. She said she didn't understand how or why I stopped having sex with her that night just because she was messed up, and that she assumed because I did that, that she thought I had feelings for her more than friends with benefits. That I should have known she was consenting and continued on. And since I didn't, and I showed respect for her, she interpreted that to mean I wanted more from her. So she backed off.The thing is, that's absolutely untrue. She could have been a one night stand, and I would have done the same thing. It's not fun to have sex with someone who isn't present. Nor is it okay in my book. I do have some morals and that crossed mine. She has been drunk before, but not like that. She's never been to the point of hallucinating. That was a line I didn't think needed to be crossed. Anyway, I explained to her that was NOT my intention with her and she misunderstood the situation. All seems to be okay at the moment, although I'm a bit put off now. That was a lot of drama for such an insignificant situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2016): UPDATE #2: Thank you all for your wonderful responses. They have been awesome. You know, a part of me had thought it was very possible she had developed some feelings over the course of the time we have been hooking up. Her emotional reaction to perceived rejection made me wonder, as it did seem a bit over the top. I wouldn't respond to her like that. However, then we spoke more yesterday and she said she didn't think continuing what we were doing was a good idea because her ex gf had been on her mind a lot lately and she didn't know if this (us hooking up) was what she needed at the moment. I respectfully said okay and that I understood and then offered a listening ear. A couple thoughts resonated in my head. First being that the reason we started hooking up in the first place was because we were both fresh out of long-term relationships and enjoyed the freedom from commitment and because we weren't over our ex's. So how is this all of a sudden any different? I thought our ex's was the reason WHY we were doing what we were doing. Second thought was perhaps she's using that as a cover to shield the fact that maybe I really did hurt her. She's not the type to admit that she has feelings. In fact, if she did, I doubt she would ever admit it. I think she's way too prideful. Anyway, I miss the relationship we had. I want things to go back to the way they were. But of course, that's not my decision.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 January 2016):
 Give her a little space and time.
Then ask her to met up and have a talk (sober). I do agree that she might have deeper feelings for you then she let on. And that maybe you two need to DTR.
(Define the Relationship) to sort out what's really up.
Most times though, sex between friends is not a good idea, because inevitable someone gets hurt, someone develop feelings or feels unhappy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2016): UPDATE: she sent me a text message yesterday evening saying "I'm sorry that I acted an ass about it. I understand why you did what you did and it's because you are a good person. And I do thank you for not being a jerk. I was just being selfish and I'm sorry for getting hateful. I didn't mean to make you feel bad." However, after this, we haven't spoken. I replied and said thanks for the apology and that was that. Nothing else has been said between us. I don't know if we are to leave it at that and part ways or what I should do next.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 January 2016):
 I AGREE WITH HONEYPIE! You did the right thing absolutely!
You haven't spoken with her since that night??
I'm thinking she was either graying out or full blackout drunk, which can be a scary thing for you and her.
You need to talk to her, and you need to assume that she either doesn't remember parts of what happened, or she doesn't remember any of it but has a vague inclination that something off happened. If she drinks like this as a habit, there may be bigger things to worry about.
Just talk to her while sober, and TELL her what she said during sex. Don't say "Do you remember what you did??" because she most likely won't, even if she remembers patches of it.
The way she went off on you tells you volumes. She's in love with you. Her feelings for you are NOT FWB-level feelings. Drinking brings out inner feelings and a loss of inhibitions, and no matter how "cool" she plays it while sober, her over-the-top defense mechanism to her drunken interpretation of you rejecting HER shows that she is really into you, was embarrassed that you reacted to her drunkenness, and that's about it.
You need to tell her that you weren't rejecting her, but that you were scared and concerned for her, and given that she's told you how she feels about being "taken advantage of", you were trying to be kind to her. You must understand that reasoning with a blackout drunk person is futile, and your argument with her and the stuff she said means nothing...and she wasn't taking in what YOU said either.
Talk to her - sober. See her in person if she's a friend to you, but don't be surprised to hear that her feelings for you are beyond a FWB thing.
This is salvageable. SHe's probably feeling embarrassed and ashamed, and if she's not drunk, you and she can fix this misunderstanding easily.
Dealing with her desire to bring your relationship BEYOND FWB and a possible alcohol problem will be considerably more complicated.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 January 2016):
She was drunk. She was angry over something else, YOU just happened to be there and being the verbal punching bag. Trying to have a sane or even reasonable conversation with someone THAT drunk is not going to happen.
I think you ABSOLUTELY did the right thing in backing off if you thought she was on her way to more than 3 sheets to the wind drunk - (one sheet" meaning slightly inebriated, and "four sheets" meaning unconscious.)
Having sex with someone who is on/off "out of their mind" or off in some kind of la-la land is just NOT right. Someone that drunk can't consent. SO your actions were right.
I'd back off. And I'd stop having sex with her. IF she apologize or reach out to you so you can explain (while she is SOBER) why you pulled back, then maybe you can retain a friendship, if not... let her go.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 January 2016):
 You did the right thing. She's so intoxicated that she saw birds in the room. Alcohol could also lower a person's emotional state. She got anxiety and quickly found something that "caused" it, so she blamed it on you. That night you could not do anything right and I think she has to cut down on the drinking. I am sure you are a good friend. If she can't come around, then consider she's not a great loss either. When she said she was taken advantage of, was that with guys or with girls also? I tend to think that women are less of a threat to each other so maybe she wasn't trying to imply you can't have sex with her when she was drunk.
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