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female
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anonymous
writes: I have an age old question for anyone out there that can give good advice. A friend who I have known to be unhappy for a while now finally opened up about her violent and abusive marriage. This man forces her into sex, takes her money, constantly belittles her, has been chronically unfaithful for the last 10 years, tells her she is fat and ugly and accuses her of sleeping with other men because her vagina is 'like a bucket', and physically abuses her on a regular basis.I, of course, told her I think she should leave, but she threw up a whole load of excuses as to why she couldn't do that - money, the kids etc. I feel really frustrated, as I sat her down and worked out an escape plan in detail with her this morning, only to be told this afternoon that everything is now 'fine'. I hate to think of the kids being in this environment with this terrible man. I am worried that if I pressure her she will only shut me out. My husband says I should 'not get involved', but that is very difficult when a friend turns up on the doorstep in tears, holding a baby that is crying to be fed because his father has spent all the food money on cocaine. Does anyone know of an official line of intervention I could take? The police perhaps? She is mostly frightnened to kick him out because he will kick the door in (apparently this happens most Saturday nights anyway). I would have her stay with me but there genuinely is no room, and I also don't want this man anywhere near my own kids. Any advice is very welcome.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (13 June 2006):
 I am a clinical psychologist in the UK, and I have worked with many families affected by domestic violence issues. You cannot make this woman leave her husband, as she must do that in her own time. Many women in these situations suffer learned helplessness - they are told they are rubbish people, so they internalise those remarks - it is what their abusers want. If you think the children are at risk of abuse then you should contact social services who can investigate the situation. If he physically hurts the woman then you should urge her to go to a doctor, and the police 'in the heat of the moment'. Even if she withdraws her allegations against him later (as some women do) there will still be an official record of domestic violence on file.
Social services will take a referral anonymously so that you don't have to get involved, and it sometimes takes professional involvement for women to have the courage to act. I appreciate how frustrating it must be for you as a friend to this woman. However, you should also take care not to be her emotional crutch when things go bad at home. By doing so, you are unintentionally aggravating the situation because this woman will know that when things go bad at home then she can come to you for food etc. This means that she is not addressing the real problem of her relationship and remains a passive victim. One approach maybe to take her to a women's aid advice centre one day so that she can talk to a counsellor. Sometimes it takes someone independent to the situation to get the message home, and diagnose that 'everything is not ok at home'. You can also get advice yourself by contacting the womens aid helpline. It is nice that you are helping this woman, but don't get emotionally drained yourself - you can put the right sort of help options in place for this woman, but ultimately it is her decision to leave her partner.
A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (13 June 2006):
 Hey there,
Firstly, you are a wondeful friend and a beautiful person. If there were more people like you out there, the world would be such a more gorgeous place, because so many people just turn a blind-eye on things like this either not knowing what to do to help or just not wanting to help at all.
I think that your husband is wrong in telling you not to get involved. How can you not now since you already know everything that is going on? You are a true friend to this woman because she obviously confides in you about her marriage problems and because you are trying to help her the best you can in hatching an 'escape plan'. That, to me, shows you have intelligence as well as guts!
Perhaps think about it if the tables were turned. How would you want her to help you if you were in this situation?
As a friend, usually, you think of your actions in relation to what you could lose if you did/said the wrong thing, as friendships can be very fragile. But in this case, friendship is at the bottom of the list, in my opinion. You almost now have an obligation to help her and her kids get out and find a better life. You have to help her because if anything happens to her kids or to her and she ends up in hospital, you will never forgive yourself for NOT doing something.
Since you have already tried to get her to leave and she won't/can't, then it is up to you to go to the next level. I don't know where in the world you're from, but here in New Zealand we have a special toll-free line we can call 24/7 to get advice about things like this. Do you have something similar?
I think the police are your only option. But the only thing is that if the police go around there because of 'a complaint' or whatever, is she likely to deny everything? Will she protect him for the sake of keeping her 'family' together? I have a terrible feeling that if you don't call the police and tell them everything and plead with them to help her - you WILL BE helping her & her kids - then this could end very very very badly.
I really don't know if my advice is sound or 'right' but I'm just going with my instincts here.
Will you please let me know what happens?
Stay strong xxx
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