A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a man for 2 months. He has a lot going on in his life, extremely stressful job and an autistic son that lives 6 hrs away. We've not seen each other much in the last 3 weeks because of this, but we have kept in constant contact. Normally, when he has to go on quick trips I will keep his dog for him. Last night I went out with one of my girlfriends and while I was in the restroom, she took my phone and sent him a text that said that I saw his dog more than I do him. It was a little more than that, but that's the gist of it. I didn't know she'd done it until this morning, when I was checking my messages. Now not only is he mad at me but he won't speak to me. He said that with everything going on in his life he didn't need that too.Please can someone tell me what to do? I've apologized more than once and explained what happened but he still won't speak to me. I've called and texted and he won't return either. My heart hurts that he would think I would intentionally be mean or hurtful to him.
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): That sucks OP, I wouldn't advise waiting around to see but who knows, he may calm down and snap out of it.
It's only been 2 months though so it's most likely done.
The bigger issue now is what to do about the friend. On the one hand that's a major fuck up, a very deliberately stupid act on the other it's only been a 2 month dating thing so it's not as if you lost the love of your life, if she's been a good loyal, trustworthy friend for a long time then I don't think this is a friendship ruining mistake but she's going to have to prove a lot to you and make amends.
If you ask me OP a man of his age not being able to accept yours and her apology over a very silly, drunken (?) mistake makes it seem like he was just looking for an excuse or maybe is a bit too unforgiving for long term potential.
Good luck OP, I hope things work out and you don't lose a good friend over this too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy friend came crying to my house, she sent an apology to my boyfriend. The only response I've received is him telling me that he was heading to Dallas because his son was sick, that was yesterday, he said he was on his way. Unfortunately, I know this to not be true. I have to drive by his house when I go grocery shopping and he was home this morning. I hate that he felt the need to lie to me.
I guess I have my answer that I need from him. The damage that she did, is irreversible.
Thank you all for your thoughts.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 November 2012):
 I think you should have distanced yourself from your friend's actions by saying very little. Express surprise and disapproval, naturally, but leave it at that. If he was still peeved, you could have given him some time and space to work it out and come back.Repeatedly apologizing and explaining has probably done more harm than good. Instead of distancing you from the text, it reinforces your connection to it and keeps the memory fresh in his mind. It also weakens your standing in his eyes by making you appear desperate. Obviously what's done is done, but all is not lost. You could apply this approach from now on. Don't make any more attempts to contact him. You've said all you can say and when he does get back to you don't bring it up again. And as for your so called friend, make it very clear to her that when you want her to intervene in your relationships, you'll let her know. Then leave it at that. Do NOT explain anything or give her a chance to. Don't engage in any discussions about it. The less you say, the more powerful the effect what you do say will have. And put a bit of distance between you for a while.I do not recommend you have her approach your boyfriend. Her poor judgment is what caused this in the first place. She is hardly the person to entrust with fixing it. She's already meddled once and you don't want to encourage her to do it again. Besides, he's heard it all from you and he won't appreciate you sicking your friend on him. How old is she anyway? 12?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 November 2012):
 I don't think he honestly believes it was your friend that sent the text. It DOES sound more like something a high school student would no not a grown woman. DID you confront your friend? Does she know what domino effect SHE started in YOUR relationship? What kind of friend does that?
I'm guessing that she texted something YOU told her, maybe because YOU see his dog more then him lately. However it's besides the point, I would confront her. IF she is half way decent person and friend SHE will call and apologize. Bot sure it will do much good though.
And mean while I would stop texting and calling him. You have already apologized, there is nothing else you can do to "fix" it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): Let me ask you this OP, you didn't happen to say those kinds of thing to your friend that did you? I mean was the sentiment of the message what you were pretty much thinking?
I'm just wondering to be honest, it's a strange thing for her to just come up with all on her own. Did she think she was doing you a favour while drunk?
Because if so then I think your best option is to get her to either phone him or go to him in person, explain what she did, apologise and take full responsibility to him.
It's like this OP, if that were my friend they'd get one chance. They go fix this with him to the point where he fully understands I had nothing to do with it or they fuck off for good.
If she broke your phone she'd pay for it, if she lost something belonging to you she'd replace it, well this is her mess it's up to her to fix it.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (11 November 2012):
 Sadly, I think you've done all you can do. If he isn't big enough to accept your apology, than I think you need to ask yourself would he accept an apology if you had committed a bigger travesty?
Sadly your girlfriend betrayed your trust. It might be worthwhile if she called him and stated that she sent the message, but at this point, he knows that you aren't happy with your level of being with one another. Instead of going to him about it in a constructive way, you told your girlfriend about it. Now he feels that your relationship's problems are being talked about with your friends instead of with him. He also probably feels you aren't understanding of his his time commitments.
You've done all that you can do to restore your relationship and the ball is now in his court. Let him deal with it and if your bond was meant to be, he'll at least open the door for reconciliation.
Wish I had a better plan for you, but that's the reality of the situation.
Best Wishes,
Eddie
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2012): He may just need time to calm down. There is nothing more you can do, the ball is in his court so to speak. What your friend did is not at all acceptiable, she acted badly and to do that I would be questioning my friendship with her, she may have ment is as a joke but it is not something you do when you are in a new relationship. How dare she, I would really say something to her.
Now all you can do is sit and wait, maybe send him 1 last text and tell him you are so sorry that it happened, and you would never do that to him, and tell him that you are there for him anytime, but you will back away and give him some space, (because that is what he needs) but at the end of the message tell him you know he is going through alot and you will not be one to put extra pressure on him, but you are here whenever he is ready.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (10 November 2012):
 Your friend acted in a very unfriendly way, so first thing you need to do is let her know how her unhelpful comments have affected you.
Two months is not a long time to be dating somebody, the fact you have apologised and he is refusing to accept your apology suggests he is willing to let the relationship go.
Its also time to realise you cant trust anybody, assuming your friend is the same age group as yourself, she must have known her message was a very negative comment to make, maybe ask yourself why she did that, and don't leave your phone accessible to so called friends.
I'd give it a week and if you have had no contact from him recognise the fact there is nothing there for you and move on.
...............................
|
