A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Not sure where to start but I guess some background information is a good way to go.Typical start to any of these questions but..So there's this guy, and he's perfect. The problem doesn't lie with him, it lies with my friend. My friend, 3 years ago, kissed said guy when she was drunk. He started talking to me a few months ago and we've grown quite close lately. My friend in question knows how close I've become to this guy and I have also had a conversation with her about it to which she had no problems. Until this week, when she got so drunk that she could barely stand and she started crying in the bathroom in a nightclub about how it was so unfair that guys always like me and never her and how she was never good enough for anyone and basically made me feel like absolute crap, despite me having already spoke to her about the situation with said guy.The problem is, this guy really likes me too, it's mutual and I feel like she's totally sabotaging it. The same friend also gets upset when we're on nights out if she's not getting enough attention from guys.I just don't know how to deal with her. I care about her, but I also feel myself falling for this guy and I just don't know what to do in this situation and any insight would be greatly appreciated!Sorry for the long question.I look forward to your answers, Thanks!
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 I would hardly call this sabotage more than self-pity. Girl needs a self-esteem boost, and that's not necessarily your job. I would consider having a talk about you understand her feeling frustrated about the imbalance of male attention between the two of you, but feel put down by her comments; like, really at the end of the day what does she want, you to not be attractive to others? Ask her honestly about her "needs" in your friendship, my guess is they're going to be unreasonable or ridiculous; if you can't see eye to eye, consider dumping her, or at the very least, cutting her out of activities where she's forced to be put in the position of wingman/woman.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 June 2016):
 Where were girls like the two of you when I was careening through college those oh-so-many years ago??????
Meantime, listen to Cindycares and Honeypie's advise...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2016):
 I agree with Cindy here.
She isn't 10 any more, she can't call dibs on a guy she drunkenly kissed 3 years ago. Nothing came of it. Are you to avoid all men she might possibly have kissed while drunk? That makes no sense, and honestly... she is being a bad friend for putting this on you.
3 years ago! Seriously!
I get that she feels like she is being overlooked by this guy, that she might have hoped for more. However, he isn't interested in her. IF he was... something WOULD have happened over those 3 years, don't you think?
I also agree that I would have sympathy for her not anger, because she isn't being realistic at all. However, I would not let her determine whom you can get to know, date etc.
Girl Code doesn't apply here.
Personally, I think it's less to do with the guy are more to do with the fact that she is jealous. Not so much of the guy, but the fact that YOU seem to get the attention SHE wanted.
So you have to decide if this guy is worth getting to know or not. It may result (short term) in her not wanting to be friends for a while or her trying to manipulate you into stop seeing him. THAT is not what a GOOD friend does.
And this friend of yours... if it isn't this guy she makes drama over... it will be the next, or the one after that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI couldn't agree more with everything that you've just said and few of my other close friends are basically saying the same thing.
Now the problem is, how do I speak to her about this without this continuing to happen and without losing her as a friend?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2016):
 Maybe I am wrong, but I feel that girl's code does not apply here. This guy is not your friend's ex, and not even one she had an unrequited crush on since forever. He is just a guy that she happened to kiss once , 3 years ago, when she was drunk.
Your friend apparently gets drunk every now and then so probably this is not her only exploit in this sense. She cannot call dibs on every random guy she drunk- kisses or takes a shine to.
She was upset because she was DRUNK, a state which magnifies every kind of emotion, and because, admittedly, she loves male attention and she gets frustrated and envious when other women gets more of it than her.
She is more to be pitied than censured, yet if that's a problem, it's a problem that SHE needs to work on, not you.
Otherwise it's a bit as if a slim girl decided to gain 30 pounds in order to not make her overweight friend feel bad about herself. Not really useful to either girl.
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