A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago, my best friend got divorced from her husband and the father of her two young kids. I fully supported her throughout the separation and divorce, and was happy to be there for her during her time of need. She was blindsided by her ex’s betrayal and it took a long time for her to recover. Fast forward three years later, and the first man she starts dating is 28 years old (for context, she’s 41). They’ve been seeing each other for a few months, and she wants to introduce him to her kids. I want her to be happy, but honestly I can’t get past the age difference. I seriously doubt a 28-year-old single guy would get serious about a middle-aged mother of two, and I don’t want her (or her kids) to get hurt again. I haven’t expressed my disapproval because I don’t want her to feel judged, but I don’t know how much longer I can pretend it doesn’t bug me. If it were her ex dating a much younger woman, we’d absolutely judge him! Isn’t this the same thing?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): glad you are looking out for your friend. Glad your friend got divorced from her husband. Your friend seems like a
strong, independent, and successful woman and mom of two young kids. Dating could be a good experience for her after her divorce. because her marriage ended, doesn’t mean she does not desire a partner, a fulfilling relationship, and love in her life. She had a good while to prepare herself to start to feel like dating.
She can have a relationship with any man of any age. she should be able to date and have fun with a younger man if she wants. And young men would be drawn to her because of a young man feels like there’s so much to learn from her, likes her confident and independent, likes her refined tastes, can have intellectual discussions, like her emotional support, he's open-minded, she enjoys the attention of younger men, makes her feel younger, and she knows what she wants.
She should be happy and not judged. If she wants to introduce him to her kids this is a sign of her relationship and shows he is not hurt her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2022): It's not your business
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2022): You would be surprised howmany young men get their first serious experience in the matters of heart in the arms of a much older woman. I can tell you from experience that she will get bored of him in a few months time when the novelty wears off meanwhile he will be by then deeply in love with her. He will be the one that will get hurt most. Like the others have done, I also advise you not to get involved in their affair unless she asks for you specifically.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2022): And how is this your problem?
I mean, it would be your problem if she drowned your in her drama. If she's just living her life, I reapeat, how is this your problem?
A close friend of mine decided to have a kid at 44 via sperm doner. Honestly, knowing her, I thought this was a pretty selfish idea. Sad thing is all of her friends I know thought the same thing. But these are just thoughts! We have no right to impose them on anyone, UNLESS they ask for our opinion. And even then, we must be careful how useful (or hurtful) our words can be. Just because we think something is selfish, or stupid or both, doesn't mean that it is. You never know how things may develop.
Your friend is an adult. If she choses a guy that can potentially hurt her, well, that's her business.
We are conditioned to accept (even if some of us may judge) men dating much younger women. We are also conditioned to be repulsed (however you may coat it, it's still repulsion) when a woman dates a much younger guy. In our culture women must be young and/or girlishly young-looking, without body hair, good skin, thin... you know the "recipe". Men? Oh, they can be old and wise, gray-haired...
I live in France and everyone I know is disgusted by the Macrons (he's 25 years younger than her and she used to be his high-school teacher). Even women comment on the impossibility of sexual attraction... you see what I'm getting at. When I first heard of them, I must say that I too had that automatic, "gut" reaction, before laughing it off. This has nothing to do with the "nature" and "the evolution". It's purely cultural. We live still in patriarchal societies, where women (especially those labeled by the society as "mature", "older"...) have their own place.
You friend has guts to live her life the way she wants to. If I were you, I'd use the energy you have for INTROspection. I'd take a good and hard look at myself, my life, wishes and regrets.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2022): When you disapprove of something someone is doing, but you have no right to judge, or they haven't sought your opinion (or approval); there's an easy remedy to that. You distance yourself; then you won't have to suffer through any activity, behavior, or actions that go against your morals, religion, rights, or beliefs.
You can judge all you like in your head. You don't have to deal with stuff that annoys or disgusts you for the sake of friendship. You have every right to draw the line where you stand on things; but that's when it's best to go mind your own business. Then things go whatever direction they may; and meanwhile, you can catch-up on other friendships that you have no qualms about.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 January 2022):
 You say you don't want her to feel judged, so why are you judging?
You don't know him. You have no idea of his intentions and capabilities as a partner.
You can venture a guess, and you might be right (you might be wrong).
It is not your place to tell her what to do with her life, who to date. It's not your life. You can't protect her from life.
I absolutely get what you are thinking, I too would think uh oh.
If she ASKS for advice, tell her how you feel. Suggest she waits a good 9-12 months before introducing the kids (because they do NOT need a revolving door on new men in their lives. Their little lives have already been turned upside down). And IF a guy is serious, he will wait that long to get to know the kids, if he is not, well she is the only one who gets her heart and feelings bruised).
It could very well be that the guy is a rebound for your friend. A morale booster. It could be that he IS a good fit. Who knows?
I too think it's a big age gap, but that doesn't mean it can't work.
This is HER mistake to make, OP. Remember that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (8 January 2022):
 Just because you were there for your friend when she needed you does not give you the right to judge what she chooses to do with the rest of her life. It is commendable that you are still looking out for her but you can't run her life for her. You can always ask questions to give her something to think about, like "Are you sure it's not too soon to introduce your boyfriend to your children?" and "Where do you see your relationship in 10 years' time?"
She is the one who needs to figure out whether he is right for her or not. Perhaps she is just having a bit of fun after what she went through, or perhaps she really has met the right man for her, regardless of his age. Relationships involving big age gaps can work if both parties are at a similar stage in their lives. What do you know about this man? Does he make her happy?
Your friend is lucky to have you looking out for her but be careful you do not step over the line which takes you from a caring friend to trying to control her life. Even if you truly feel she is making a mistake, you can only stand on the sidelines and be there for her when/if things go wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2022): You talk about supporting her when she broke up as if this is some big thing which she should be grateful for - it's what close friends do. It is entirely her choice who she breaks up with and who she dates, she is a middle aged woman not a child, either you are her friend or you are not, if you are then let her live her life and be there for her if it goes wrong. It could go wrong if the guy was the same age as her - as it did with her ex.
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