A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last year me and my husband (child free by choice ) sold our property for a bigger house. We wanted more space and we’re very lucky that our house sold quickly and we were able to find a house we liked.Our friends around the same time were also trying to sell their house for a bigger one as they have 2 children with a 3rd on the way and we’re cramped in a 2 bed house. Their house took longer to sell and they took a cut on it to sell it and eventually found a suitable house.Once covid restrictions were lifted we invited them over to our new house- when we had spoken THEY had insisted they’d love to come round and see it.When they arrived I could sense a frosty atmosphere (even my husband who is oblivious to just things picked up on this). They didn’t say much about the house, they were somewhat negative about the area (fair enough they are entitled to their opinion).As time went on they never invited us round their house, they pretty much ignored our texts and calls to see how they were. She had the baby and didn’t let us know- we found out on Facebook. I contacted her as I had gifts for the baby and she never responded. I figured am she was busy.I then found out that she had been having people over to meet the baby but yet she never asked us. Even though we don’t want children of our own we have always been there for their children- babysat, took on days out etc…I genuinely had no idea why we were being snubbed until a mutual friend of ours let slip that our friends were bad mouthing us off to people - the reason - because we purchased a big 4 bed house and we don’t have children! Apparently we are “selfish” and like to “show off” and “don’t need a big house!” Their new house is much smaller than ours and apparently they don’t really like it but had little choice as to where they could afford to move. My husband and I are very fortunate to be able to afford the house we have we both work damn hard with our jobs and if we want to splash out on a big house then we can it’s no ones business. We never once posted any pictures of our new home - in fact we never post anything about holidays, cars, purchases etc… so no idea where the “showing off” comment came from. When they came over we didn’t boast about anything - we showed them round as THEY asked to see the house.I’m upset by what they have said. I’m not going to confront them. My husband thinks they are jealous as they can’t afford what we can do he thinks we should just cut ties with them. We have know them for almost 15 years so for several mutual friends of ours to confirm what they are saying is unbelievably hurtful. Do we just lose a 15 year friendship?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2022): In your situation I might suggest going out with the other people for lunch or dinner so you can give the presents. After that if they don't contact you or invite you to do anything I would drop them because they aren't true friends.
A possibility is that one of them is having some sort of mental issue that affects their 'friend judgement'-- I got really annoyed at an old friend who was ignoring me for a long time and I finally confronted him and he apologized and said he didn't want to lose me as a friend.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): That is so sad OP. I have four siblings and every one of them has a huge house and I live in a tiny condo. It does not stop me from visiting them, loving them and being happy for them, and for myself! It sure does speak volumes about the kind of people they are, and lets you really question why you would want to bother still having "friends" like that in your life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): People you're close to who become envious and frosty over petty things aren't true-friends.
They have to be stripped of the honor of being called a friend, and demoted to being "close acquaintances."
Friends are like family who don't share your DNA. They stick by you, and you should be able to trust them. Your trust is based on their consistency and dependability. You'll know they're in you corner, because they'll show-up immediately when they think you need them! They don't wait to be called! I'm blessed with family and friends like this. I try not to take them for granted!
Now lets be honest. Even you feel a little envy, and we all do, from time to time; but as friends, we swallow it, and we should celebrate the good-fortune of those we love and care about. God's blessings and gifts are unique, and specifically-tailored to the receiver; and what I have, and what you have, is not meant to be compared. I've got what I got, and you've got what you got. Thank God!
Now why would people who really care about you bad-mouth you to others? It means you've taken them to be friends, and maybe they merely tolerated you; because you were probably good for baby-sitting on short-notice. For some people, you're used as a status-symbol, to lift them on the social-ladder. You may throw nice parties, you're generous, and they like to hobnob with successful-people hoping it'll rub-off. Now you know where you truly stand. It breaks your heart, but now your heart can mend based on the truth. Perhaps the friendship wasn't as real as you previously believed. What you possess (or own) has an impact or influence on how they feel about you. That's not healthy. It's a red-flag. It's like you're good to have around, in case you might come-in handy! That's good and bad!
Not everyone who has kids are cutout to be parents. Not everybody wants children of their own, but love children all the same. There are infertile couples, who would rather not adopt; and just come to terms with being childless, and make the best of being together. Irritating pushy parents, grandparents, co-workers, and nosy busy-bodies make their lives miserable. Yet society dismisses and promotes this rotten behavior.
Self-righteous people with a brood of screaming-brats and noxious teenagers sometimes make themselves feel better by putting-down or criticizing people without kids. Pushing-out babies every other year, or two, doesn't make you mother or father of the year. Just breeders! If you're a lousy mother or father, it's better if you weren't parents at all!!! Nothing worse than terrible people, multiplying all over the place; teaching their kids their ungodly traditions and twisted ideologies. What a waste of DNA!
Enjoy your lives, the fruits of your labor, and be thankful to God. You made your choices, and they've made theirs. God has blessed you, and that has nothing to do with them. He has also blessed them with children; but they've diminished the value of His blessings, because they envy yours. God will slow-down on gifting us when we don't appreciate them; or hate on others for being blessed.
So who's jealous of whom in this situation? Not you!
You don't have to cut them off completely. Just lay-low. Let them hear the crickets. Out of the blue, a call for help will come. Put differences aside and come to their rescue. It's at that time, you should confront them about their behavior. Don't say a word about it now. Pretend you're unaware. God has this way of making circumstances turn; so people have to face us, who have transgressed against us, or those who have let us down. Don't brag or rub their noses in your prosperity; but don't feel apologetic for it either.
You've now seen their darkside. You know how petty they are. Just socialize with all your other friends, and don't bring them up; don't play tit-for-tat, by letting them know you've entertained and they weren't invited. That's petty too! It's how low-minded and spiteful people behave.
They've pulled-away from you, but you haven't done anything wrong; so don't let any inclination to be spiteful tempt you. They'll miss you, and avoiding you will take its toll. You were sincere friends, but they didn't appreciate the blessing. Now they wonder why their blessing was smaller? The people they are bad-mouthing you to know where that's coming from and why! It reflects badly on them, not you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): It's interesting that you chose not to have kids.. same here.
I chose not to because I am not maternal, it keeps you too busy, can be fraught with problems, worries and hassles and mostly because it can be such a financial burden. The people who choose having kids have to accept that they have the pleasure but they also have the vast expense. One of the reasons you were better off which helped you to be able to get your bigger house was that choice. I've known a lot of families who chose to have a lot of kids and got jealous of childless people having a bigger and better home. In my experience they don't come around, if anything they get more jealous as they stew on it. They are not worth your time.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 March 2022):
 Let them stew a while.
The wife probably is dealing with pregnancy and post-baby hormones, which are just sucky for some people. And the Husband probably just following her lead.
I'd mail the gift for the baby (if possible) just with a card saying that they seem to be so busy with the new little one that you didn't want to overstep but still give the present for #3.
Why would I do that? Because of 15 years of friendship.
Jealousy and bitterness are not great companions. So I feel sorry for her to keep those around. She is old enough to know that she can't compare your life to hers. Or to the neighbor next door or down the road. Because no two people have the same lives.
You and your husband CHOOSING to not have kids, making a better living, and buying a bigger house has NOTHING to do with her. Really doesn't. You two probably have different careers, different budgets, etc.
"I’m upset by what they have said. I’m not going to confront them."
I would be too. It's sad and petty of them. A GOOD friend would be happy for you. Confronting them is pointless. Right now Jealousy and Bitterness are their new "friends". That is their choice.
" My husband thinks they are jealous as they can’t afford what we can do he thinks we should just cut ties with them."
Well, I think your husband is 100% correct.
If you want to cut ties, just stop contact it will end.
However, as I stated about the gift, I'd still mail it. Leave this friendship on a high note on YOUR end. A sorta walk away with your head held high and with manners and dignity.
Not all friendships last.
She might realize down the line what she is missing and that is on her.
Lastly, DO NOT engage in gossip about this couple with mutuals. At all. Because the mutuals are enjoying this drama it seems. Don't feed it. If they bring up hurtful things these people say, tell them that it saddens you but you are not interested in knowing about it. It helps no one.
As I also mentioned, this might stem not only from jealousy but postpartum and a hormonal surge that she can not control. I know I was a mess after #1 and #3. Not that I was jealous of others but I was a sad sack for quite a while.
So if you hope to perhaps work it out down the road, shut down gossip and leave them alone, go about your own life and ENJOY it. If they do not want to be part of your life and have you part of theirs, THEIR loss.
Chin up. Know that YOU did nothing wrong here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): To find out that people who are supposed to be your friends are behaving in this small minded petty manner must be horrible, but it is showing them in their true colours and they obviously are not 'friends'.
As for your question as to whether you should just have to let this friendship go, that sounds as if that has already been decided for you. People who behave like this were never really your true friends anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): You can't win. If you invite them over they will think you want to show off and rub their nose in it. If you don't they will say you are being stuck up and looking down your nose at them. Whatever you do you are wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2022): Your husband is right, it's sad but true. They are jealous. Let me tell you something, welcome to the real world. I worked very hard for years to be able to move from a tiny dingy house in a horrible area to a much bigger house in a much nicer area. I was then totally single. I worked very long hours seven days a week setting up and running my own business, never taking a day off let alone a proper holiday. I put every penny into saving for this lovely big house. Eventually I was able to get it, found something suitable and moved.
Now let's get this into perspective. Although they were nice the people I knew then were not hard workers. Many of them were housewives who would not work one hour a week let alone properly or long hours. They would spend all of their money before they got it, getting into debt, going on holidays etc.
I had no idea of what sort of people I would find in this new area a long way away. Then a few days later after moving here there was a knock on the door and two strangers who knew nothing about me whatsoever other than that I had bought this house and lived here as a woman alone, stood there and asked me why I had bought a big house for one person and told me it was all wrong, and I should sell it and move into a tiny house!
Weeks later I was hiring a cleaner. I met various women who said they wanted the job. Half of them gave me a lecture about this house being much too big for one person and how can I afford it! They expected me to explain to them how I had got the money. One asked me if I had rich parents! Or if I had won the lottery! Or if I had had a rich husband! The worst one was - did you used to be a prostitute !!!!!
Judging me by their own standards. Never occurred to them I had qualifications and skills and a brain because they had no skills or qualifications and worked as cleaners. Nor did it occur to them that if I am smart enough to be able to earn the money to pay for this house - all on my own - I don't need advice from a cleaner. I did not hire any of them.
I then met a local person who told me that I had been very lucky to be able to buy this house (luck? working very long hours for years and saving is not luck). He told me I should put an advertisement in the local paper saying that anyone in the area who wants a meal or a bed for the night can come here, whenever they want, all for free! Something which would tie me to the house 24 7, cost a great deal of money to implement, mean working 24 7 cooking, cleaning and tidying, and be very dangerous. Nobody in their right mind would do this if the people coming were paying. And why would people who have their own home want to do that anyway?
Weeks later I had letters pushed through my letter box from one of the families who live in a much smaller place along the road - they signed them - could barely read and write.
Full of hatred and nastiness, calling me names.
Insisting I paint the house, change the garden and a great long list of things to do on their command. All things that did not need or want to be done. But they were trying to bully me. When I went outside if they were out there they would shout at me and call me names. Thankfully they moved away. Into a tiny caravan.
By the way every one of this family were either on drugs, unemployed and not even seeking work, sitting around playing video games all day, drinking and smoking.
A month or so later I spoke to a local social club/group that had get togethers for various hobbies... chess, mah jong, speakers etc. Some were held in a large hall and others were held in peoples' homes. The lady who was running it got it into her head that as I had a large house they could have all of the meetings here and from now on
I would spend all day showing people in, showing them out,
taking their coats, making them cups of tea, cleaning up after them, and being a dogs body so that they could save spending money on the hall rentals. Which was paid for by the yearly subscriptions to the club/group anyway.
My house has four bedrooms, four lounges and three bathrooms.
There are a lot of lazy people in the world who want things but are not prepared to pay for them, or do what it takes so that they are able to.
Yes people are jealous. They don't like to be reminded that they should have tried harder, that they should have got a better job or saved more. So they blame you. Rather than admit they should have done more. It's all your fault that they were lazy about it, you must have been the lucky one.
You have to accept that friends who are jealous of you are not really friends. Yes it hurts. But that's life. Try to look at it like this... you've got the place you want now, well done and enjoy, but people who are jealous are not for you, you out grew them, you are better than them, leave them behind. It's taken this move to show them up for how they really are. It saves you wasting more time on them.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (23 March 2022):
Interestingly, I’m going through a very similar thing right now. Two of my long time friends have barely spoken to me and my partner since we moved from a two bedroom flat to a new four bedroom house, and we’ve heard they’ve been making comments about it being unnecessary for us to have bought something so big when there is only two of us. The difference with us is they have both refused any invites to come round (not to see the house specifically, just for dinner like we used to do often), despite the fact we’ve been to see their new houses when invited and have been very supportive of everything they have achieved.
I’m afraid I don’t have much in the way of advice, I can only offer support that you are not alone. Some people can be very petty and jealous, and it’s hurtful when you realise people you really cared about can’t find a way to overcome those feelings and be happy for you. There also seems to be an idea creeping into society at the minute (at least where I’m from) that if a person is doing well for themselves, they are somehow mistreating and even laughing at those who are in a less fortunate position. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much that can be done about those sorts of attitudes. You’re more than entitled to live your own life and spend your own money as you see fit, and if anyone else has a problem with that it’s on them.
Regarding your friends, the approach I’m taking with mine is to step back a little and see if they come around. I’m hoping they’ll cool down and decide the friendship with us is worth more than whatever issues they have with where we now live, but if they don’t then I’m prepared to lose them from my life. After all, if they can’t be happy for you and celebrate your successes with you, they aren’t true friends and it will be no great loss.
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