A
male
age
36-40,
*ustin587
writes:I have recently encountered an embarrassing problem. Last night, I lost my virginity. I was ready, so I don't regret my decision at all. Thing is, I had a REALLY hard time maintaining an erection. Honestly, I don't know how we managed it since I was so soft. Anyways, I tried again this morning - same problem. However, this time, I wasn't able to finish - I just couldn't maintain an erection. Now, I was quite tired from the night before and didn't sleep at all. I thought my inability to maintain an erection was due to nervousness, but I wasn't nervous at all, but it was pretty cold in the house. Could the temperature have caused this morning's problems? I am only 20 years old, so I pretty well know I don't have erectile dysfunction. I normally don't have a difficult time keeping an erection, but that's during masturbation. I was wearing a condom, so I would imagine that made it a little more difficult.I guess I should put my question this way - is there something wrong with me, or was I just tired, nervous, and cold?
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condom, erection, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dustin587 +, writes (15 November 2007):
Dustin587 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I think one thing I should have said in the beginning was the person I slept with was a good female friend of mine, so there was no love there at all - it was completely physical. Although my friend and I get along great, I still don't have that "special connection." I know she's far more experienced than me (probably more than I'll ever be...), but that doesn't bother me too much as she already said "don't worry about how well you perform - let's just have fun." I have always been sorta asexual since I have been a loner most of my life, so finding pleasure with other people is something that's kinda new to me. I have never loved anyone outside of my family - it's just so hard for me to find a girl that's right for me. There's always a fatal flaw - she's married, smokes, older than me (in the case of the mentioned friend - 18 years older), or has children.
I suppose my problem is mostly, if not entirely, psychological. It's just so frustrating that I can move every part of my body so freely, yet there is one part that is completely out of my control.
By the way, I greatly appreciate all of the comments so far.
A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (14 November 2007):
 I wrote this in answer to another question but it applies equally here
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-keep-losing-my-erection-mix-sex-why.html
It's unlikely to be a physical problem, but if you're worried you can get a health check to rule anything out (in very rare cases mostly in older guys it can be a sign of other diseases).
Lots of guys, especially those new to fucking, can take a while to get used to it. It's a very different sensation from masturbating yourself. So, firstly, don't be worried that you're "broken". Lots of guys have gone through this. Keep at it, keep being intimate and loving with your girlfriend and things will click.
It's also worth bearing in mind that it needs more "sexual energy" to fuck than to masturbate. Say you were pleasing yourself every day or other day (which would be normal). In fact, you may only feel like making love to your girl every two or three days. Because it takes more energy. Don't masturbate or have any release until you see her next so that you're as horny as you can be. My guess is that you'll not have a problem.
Another point is that guys sex drive waxes and wanes. It's normal. We're not machines that can get hard on request. Just because you're not performing as you'd like this week doesn't mean you won't be in a week or two.
So take it easy and have patience. Keep us updated with how you get on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): I agree with others that said that it was probably nervousness. Also, the cold temperature didn't help. Cold temperatures are a killer of blood flow, and blood flow is what keeps it hard. If it is cold, the brain tells the blood to keep the brain and critical organs warm. Keeping blood flow to the penis is way down on the list of importance. Condoms are another issue. I have never gotten it off while wearing a condom, even when I was younger. I'm now over 60 and have no problem without a condom. That is really a problem now, with AIDS in existence. Herpes was the big thing when I was dating after my divorce 27 years ago. I was lucky, but AIDS would make me use a condom all the time now. You might want to try one of the condoms that have extra room at the tip, like Trojan Twisted Pleasure. I don't know how much they increase sensation, but it's worth a shot. Good luck the next time. Don't worry and keep your body warm.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (11 November 2007):
 Peoriaman, eloquently put. I completely agree. Don't get hung up on the performance of your penis... just remember WHY you're doing what you're doing (besides the fact that you're horny. * sigh* men. just kidding.)... you're making love because you love each other (in theory, at least.), being intimate is about much more having a massive erection and doin' it. It's about spending time together, exploring each others bodies and having fun.
The erections will come in time. In the meantime, enjoy the time you're spending in the bedroom!
xxIndia
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A
male
reader, Dustin587 +, writes (11 November 2007):
Dustin587 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I can honestly say that I have never been attracted to men, so I am definitely not gay. I'll try to hold off on masturbation and try to focus more on the real thing.
I kinda broke the uncomfortable situation by saying "Well, it looks like we have a non-combatant." Both of use just kinda laughed it off. If I hadn't done that, I would have probably went crazy, lol. I suppose I just need to start becoming more comfortable with my "other side."
It does seem the situation got a lot worse once I started thinking about it. I kept thinking "I can't believe this is happening - why is this happening to me." It just escalated from there. Luckily, my first time went sorta well, but it's the second time (the next morning) that really got me frustrated cuz I couldn't finish.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (11 November 2007):
Peoriaman is crazy (sorry man, no offense. Usually I love your advice!)
Because you're gay? Men can't lose their virginity? I assure you, just because you had difficulty the first time does not mean that you're gay (unless you've thought about it before and you find yourself attracted to guys. But if you haven't, you're probably not). I think you can chalk this up to nerves. You were probably trying really hard and concentrating on what you were doing...
You were probably distracted. I promise, once you get more comfortable with the act, your penis will get more comfortable as well. Make sure you relax and take your time.
If the problem persists for more than a couple of sessions, then maybe you have an issue, but it was your first time! Often first times don't go swimmingly. It's all good!
Don't worry, sweetness!
xxIndia
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (11 November 2007):
 You are nervous, and it does happen, for first times.
Your body simply may not be used to the new sensations of condoms and her body's touch. Esp if you are used to touching yourself...your body becomes accustom to your own hand and sensations. If you use alot of porn in your private time, it WILL make it more difficult for you to function in the real world with a real woman and real woman senses and sensations.
Here are some tips:
Stop masturbating
Stop watching porn or other such stimuli
Take the time necessary for your body to get used to being with a woman.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (11 November 2007):
 There could be many reasons for the problem. I really don't think you have anything to worry about. It is not uncommon for these things to happen in a new relationship.
Over time I have spoken with many who have had this happen.
It usually comes down to anxiety even though you don't think you feel nervous at the time.
If the problem persists then maybe you need to do something further.
But till that happens just relax and give it a chance. Doc
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2007): Had you been drinking?? Sometimes when guys drink or do certain drugs they can't get an erection.
If it is not that, were you attracted to this girl???
I think that maybe you were thinking about it too much or trying too hard and maybe that affected your erection. I mean that is a big deal to lose your virginity. You probably wanted everything to go perfect rather than just relax and go with the flow. That is possible I guess.
Another thing that I can think of is that perhaps you are so used to masurbating and getting off in that way that you have no feeling toward actual sex. If that is the case then I would stop masturbating for a while.
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