A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé and I have been engaged for almost three years now and we have planned our wedding for about a year now. Our wedding is coming up in July and last week she told me she wants to postpone it because she is scared and she clams to not be ready. I don't know how to convince her that she shouldn't be scared and that things will only continue to get better. I just don't what else to do and I feel that if we don't go through with our date we will grow apart. Please can someone help me?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 May 2014):
 I'm with everyone else here... after 3 years she knows.. she just does not want to say... she knows it's not a good fit.
I also am concerned that you say "everything can only CONTINUE to get better" does that mean it was bad and is now better but could be EVEN better?... not good... if you have to work hard to get better before the marriage it's a bad sign.
You know as well as we do that "we will drift apart" means you know that she knows it's not right and this will be the final nail in the relationship coffin.
Be happy she's given you enough time.. my cousin got her cold feet 3 weeks before the wedding (it was right to cancel) and she didn't marry for another 30 years till she met the right guy... it happens.
better a broken engagement than a divorce (which WILL happen if you force her to go through with what she knows she does not really want)
A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Hi,
I am of the opinion that being engaged for 3 years, and now wanting to postpone says she just doesn't see a future with you.
Yes, as a few aunts have said marriage is a big step, however the 3 years quite clearly speaks volumes about your partner. Some people just don't want to get married.
I would suggest, seeking a counselor and getting the issues out in the open. Did she come from a broken family, or a family with issues?
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (28 May 2014):
 Hi
It sounds like her talk of wanting to postpone the wedding due to being scared and not ready, is not the entire story. After 3 years of being engaged, and a year of planning, she should be ready now and, pre wedding nerves aside, be sure as one can be that its the right thing to do. She clearly is not in that situation.
You say you fear that postponement will make you drift apart but that in itself is quite telling to be honest. If you were both on the same page about marriage and your feelings for each other and felt secure in your planned future then A: she wouldn't want to postpone, and B: your relationship would probably survive the postponement.
You don't give us too much info about the relationship or your fiancé so i am going to put out ideas for you to ponder. Are you both marrying because its what you both want and feel is right? Or are you marrying because one or both of you feels that if you don't marry the relationship will drift away from you? In other words is this planned marriage a way of cementing of a great relationship, or a kind of fix or solution that will hopefully change your relationship for the better?
I suspect your finance agreed to marriage for the wrong reasons, and now its getting closer, she realizes the reality of the situation. She may have gone along with the idea in the hope things would change, or that being married would make her feel differently, or perhaps she felt that the time had come to get married after X amount of time together and now she realises that's not what she wants. The only way to find out is to talk to her and listen closely to what she says. She needs now to lay her cards on the table and you need to understand how she feels and why.
You say you want to convince her that things will continue to get better, which again suggests that you are, perhaps subconsciously at least, hoping being Wed will turn around a relationship which maybe isn't what you want it to be at present. Again I could be wrong but as we know very little about your actual relationship im going with the little info I have.
The statements you made about things continuing to get better and fearing drifting apart does suggest, to me at least, that this marriage is an effort to bring you closer together and solve some kind of problem or emotional distance between you. If that is the case then it is for the wrong reasons. Marriage should be two people who are committed to one another, and who love each other deeply, to make a rewarding commitment. Many couples marry, or have a child or move in together in the hope it will change things, solve problems or bring them emotionally closer. It doesn't.
Her gut feeling is that she doesn't want to go through with this and you need to respect that and give her the space she needs to make a decision as to whether to go ahead with the marriage or cancel and either stay together or end the relationship. I know its hard when one minute you think your are getting married and the next minute you are in turmoil and confusion, but this is too big a commitment to make for the wrong reasons.
Again with the lack of info about your finance its hard to give a specific response other than that. You don't tell us how old she is but, if she is similar age to yourself, in the three years you have been engaged she may well have matured, changed and become a different person in many ways to what she was when she agreed to marriage. She may realize now that what she thought she wanted three years back is different to what she wants now. If you have been together a long time, since your teens for instance, and been together most or all your adult lives she may see this impending commitment as a time for reflection, for wondering if she has missed out on other things, made the most of her youthful freedom or achieved discovering herself enough first?
Im sure you are torn right now...on one hand you want her to say that she is being silly, letting her nerves get the better of her and that she will be fine on the day and that it will all be alright, on the other hand you know this could be the beginning of the end. I don't think you can or should convince her of anything. Unless you know how and why she feels then trying to convince her the marriage will work, be fine and so on is not realistic nor fair to either of you.
I agree with the other responses about postponing the wedding. Its just too big a commitment to make if its not what she wants. I am with CMMP on this - she probably is happy to be with you now, but is also safe in the knowledge that she has an exit route should she ever need to use it. If she marries you she knows she is stuck in a commitment that's hard to get out of easily.
Councelling may be an option and may well help, even if it only gives you more piece of mind as to where you actually stand and why. Talk to her first - don't try to persuade or convince, just listen to what she says. Ask her to be honest and open. That will at least give you a platform to judge your next moves from.
Best of luck
mark
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 May 2014):
 I think if she is having doubts (and marriage IS a big step) postponing it the right thing to do (unless you want a divorce in 6-12 months.
And I agree with CMMP, after 3 year I'd think a person KNOWS if they WANT to be married to their partner or not, the fact that she has doubts about the wedding means that she has some doubt about the longevity of your relationships.
Have you two considered pre-marital counseling? Maybe her issues will come out through that.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 May 2014):
 You write: "I don't know how to convince her that she shouldn't be scared and that things will only continue to get better. I just don't what else to do..."
Feel better that there's not a darn thing you CAN do "to convince her...." She needs to "convince" herself that she wants to be married to you...
In the meanwhile: Go along with the postponement.... and - if you wish to do so - continue with your relationship, and see if her feelings change. Within yourself, reconcile that you and she just MAY "grow apart." And, if that happens... how much better that it happened under these circumstances, rather than in dissolving a real marriage..... You may wish to put an "end-date" in your (own) mental calendar, after which you will decide that you don't wish to wait any longer for her to come to the conclusion that you and she are "marriage" partners... and make the break.
Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 May 2014):
Knowing so little about you guys and your situation makes it difficult to give well informed advice, but my guess is that you just aren't right for each other. 3 years now she still can't follow through?
Have you ever considered that she may be perfectly happy with you for the time being, but not convinced that you're "the one"?
I had a girlfriend who I loved very much. She kept asking when I was going to propose to her (we were in our early/mid twenties). I just never felt like it was the right time and I wasn't sure I could be happy with her forever.
We broke up eventually and a few years later I met my wife. I had no doubt that I wanted to marry her and wasn't nervous at all.
You may need couple's counseling if you want to learn the truth and/or progress your relationship.
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